#1
Here's my number two, since my return. Enjoy everyone, and thanks for all your replies on the last one.

There is a lot of meaning in this, and any critical analysis is well appreciated as are suggestions.

Crit 4 crit, just leave a link.

A Little Wind-Up Bird.

"I think that I was cloned." Yuki said in a low whisper.
Clock gears turn to the mechanical hymn of battery operated
respirators that thump and whistle.
Accordion pistons that push
oxygen into her lungs, squeezing...
in and out,
in and out,
in and out.

There was a halo of light around the hospital door
from the pale windows that adorned her electronic walls.
The room smelt like iodine and latex.
Her skin felt like tree bark.
It was the lack of moisture getting to her body,
I wasn't worried,
the outcome
it’s the same.
The accordions kept playing though,
so I knew...
That as long as there was music,
she had to keep dancing.

Time passed, it was round two
the clock versus the city,
and I left the building
to make lists of pessimists.
I walked past old woman in
Salted filigree floral dresses,
brown stockings and black shoes.
I told myself,
"You'll never be that old,
you'll never be disconnected with society like them."
I smiled past each one as if I were
selling them myself as an optimist.

Eventually I made it home,
and kicked off my shoes.
"I think I have Parkinson’s..." I heard myself
thinking out loud, my hand wouldn't stop shaking.
I wanted to hold it still, but it wouldn't.
I got upset and I broke a dark yellow lamp.
It was my favorite.
I tried to cry into my pillow but I just
laid in bed and I fell asleep listening to
various news reports about scandals in
Congress and celebrity deaths, I ignored
the world's concerns and drifted away.
When I woke up Yuki had died.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 10, 2007,
#2
"I think that I was cloned." Yuki said in a low whisper.
Clock gears turn to the mechinical hymn of battery operated
resperators that thump and whistle.
Acordian pistons that push
oxygen into her lungs, squeezing...
in and out,
in and out,
in and out.
Honestly, this starts off sorta weak. Not the first line (which is pretty much the hook), but the stanza itself. You've created your mystery, but it picks up more in the other stanzas.

There was a halo of light around the hospital door
from the pale windows that adorned her electronic walls.
The room smelt like iodine and latex.
Her skin felt like tree bark.
It was the lack of mostoire getting to her body,
I wasn't worried,
the outcome...
it 's always the same.
The acordians kept playing though,
so I knew...
That as long as there was music,
she had to keep dancing.
This is great. I don't really know what to improve on.

Time passed, it was round two
the clock versus the city,
and I left the building
to make lists of pessimists.
I walked past old woman in
Salted filigree floral dresses,
brown stockings and black shoes.
I told myself,
"You'll never be that old,
you'll never be disconnected with society like them."
I smiled past each one as if I were
Selling them myself as an optimist.
The first four lines are my favorite, and this stanza is the best in the piece, imo. The piece takes a drastic turn into something else here, which threatens to stear the entire piece somewhere else but doesn't. Almost like a break.


Eventually I made it home,
and kicked off my shoes.
"I think I have parkinson's..." I heard myself
thinking out loud, my hand wouldn't stop shaking.
I wanted to hold it still, but it wouldn't.
I got upset and I broke a dark yellow lamp.
It was my favorite.
I tried to cry into my pillow but I just
laid in bed and I fell asleep listening to
various news reports about scandals in
Congress and celebrity deaths, I ignored
the world's concerns and drifted away.
When I woke up Yuki had died.
Perfecto. Really, this speaks for itself.

I wish I had more to say, but I suck at full crits. It looks like our little Matt is developing a heart But me? I'm still bitter.
Poor advice.
#3
hey! it looks like you've actually started taking some advice and started changing your style a little more. maybe, it comes with age but it feels if to me you aren't trying to hide behind words anymore and just use them as further instruments that help you deliver your message. you still are shooting out some clumsy imagery and it is kind of confusing but this in actual mechanics of the writing, probably one of your better pieces. why the actual message and way you describe it seems to be very asian in my opinion. I dunno, i just got like an anime gloss from reading it, which kind of annoyed me. still good job. and hopefully you'll keep on trying to push your boundaries, because that's when you'll always have the most interesting work.

crit me back =[
#4
Randy's crit was pretty accurate. It started out slow and clumsy, and I feel like you've written the first stanza a billion times. After that it picked up speed pretty quickly. I was surprised to see you scale back on the spastic imagery, but you did it very well. I like this one a lot
-Landon
#5
Quote by Something_Vague

A Little Wind-Up Bird.

"I think that I was cloned." Yuki said in a low whisper.
Clock gears turn to the mechinical hymn of battery operated
mechanical*
resperators that thump and whistle.
respirators
Acordian pistons that push
accordion
oxygen into her lungs, squeezing...
in and out,
in and out,
in and out.
i love this refrain.

There was a halo of light around the hospital door
from the pale windows that adorned her electronic walls.
The room smelt like iodine and latex.
Her skin felt like tree bark.
the line relating latex and tree bark is broken without an 'and', in my opinion.
It was the lack of mostoire getting to her body,
moisture.
I wasn't worried,
the outcome...
it 's always the same.
the three dots indicates a pause to me, so i would just have "is always the same
The acordians kept playing though,
accordions
so I knew...
That as long as there was music,
most definitely need to replace the "it's always" with "is", because the two execute differently for a similar purpose.
she had to keep dancing.

Time passed, it was round two
punctuation here (at the end of line)?
the clock versus the city,
and I left the building
to make lists of pessimists.
I walked past old woman in
Salted filigree floral dresses,
brown stockings and black shoes.
I told myself,
"You'll never be that old,
you'll never be disconnected with society like them."
I smiled past each one as if I were
Selling them myself as an optimist.

Eventually I made it home,
and kicked off my shoes.
"I think I have parkinson's..." I heard myself
Parkinson's, it's capitalized.
thinking out loud, my hand wouldn't stop shaking.
I wanted to hold it still, but it wouldn't.
it couldn't? kind of awkward.
I got upset and I broke a dark yellow lamp.
don't need the second I, I dont think.
It was my favorite.
I tried to cry into my pillow but I just
laid in bed and I fell asleep listening to
various news reports about scandals in
the choices for line breaks in these three lines bothered me. I think they break flow.
Congress and celebrity deaths, I ignored
the world's concerns and drifted away.
When I woke up Yuki had died.
without a line break here or an "and" here, you don't build up that tension that is needed to make this last line very effective.


very minor critique here, sorry about that. i liked this very much, though i enjoyed your last more. still, this is a very good piece. good job.
#6
thank you all very much.

Jared: The anime feel is because Yuki is a completely japanese name, I took the name from the novel Dance, Dance, Dance which is an existentialistic novel written in Japan, I really love the name though. Thanks though, I'm really trying to expand my horizons, and not just my vocabulary.

Tig: thanks for fixing the grammar, I wrote this ots and I don't pay much attention to spelling or grammatical errors when I write, I'll be sure to fix all those things.

Thanks everyone and I'll be getting to yours tomorrow after school, it was a really, really long day.
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