#1
parliaments taste like sea water.
look to my left and see two girls,
swimming in a pool of self benevolence.
brevity of the dive, caught in my chest.
i cough out a cloud of abstruse dogmas.
yet, i’m but a wave to this sea.
my muses of altruism blend into an always blue.
and with dampened lungs
i find my tongue wrapped in weeds of pretense.
the walls around me are dry as our intentions,
but i still find myself caught without a breath.
#2
i thought it was beautifully written. the flow was good, the choice of words was good. i can't really find much that i didn't like here. maybe one thing that i did not get: the first line, i understand that the parliaments tasting like sea water is a metaphor, but i didn't really get the meaning. but i kinda liked this.
#3
This is a pretty solid piece, I re-read it half a dozen times, each time piecing it all together.

i cough out a cloud of abstruse dogmas.
yet, i’m but a wave to this sea.


Is my favourite part.
But overall this is a great piece, I get a sense of what you referred to with "parliaments" but still not as powerful as anything else.

Theres nothing else to be said in my eyes, its just a damn good piece, and you know it is.

I'd appreciate a comment on the piece in my sig if you can.

Thanks
steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
shouldn't it read as are our intention, or did you not mean that?

I liked this.

I felt it took a different sort of tone at the 5th line, maybe a different type of style almost. Regardless I like this.

I hate doing this but the last few things i've posted haven't gotten many crits so... if you have the time....

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=541291
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
the title is kind of ridiculous, but other than that, for a short piece. it has excellent flow, and has enough to cling on to to warrent a satisfying whole. Nice job.