#1
This is my first attempt at writing a song so please DO NOT go easy on me, i need as much help as possible...

Here goes...


My Final Scene

All these little white pills, they aren’t working,
Neither is this oxygen mask,
And these people around me are talking,
In a language I don’t understand
but the only person I could ever talk to is lying,
Six-foot underground,

Instrumental Chorus

As I watch you lying there,
My heart filled full of fear,
Of life without you,
Are these the consequences I was told of?
I should have listened
Should’ve listened

Chorus
And we’ll go,
Where angels do not dare to tread,
And we’ll find ourselves,
In amongst the living dead,
And if you fall,
I will be here waiting to catch you

And as my final scene plays out,
My head is full of the thought of leaving,
You… and all the people I have ever cared for
So never have a doubt,
I’ll always be up there waiting for you,
My dear, I will never forget you,

Chorus
And we’ll go,
Where angels do not dare to tread,
And we’ll find ourselves,
In amongst the living dead,
And if you fall,
I will be here waiting to catch you

And we’ll go,
Where angels do not dare to tread,
And we’ll find ourselves,
In amongst the living dead,
And if you fall,
I will be here waiting to catch you

I will be here waiting to catch you.

I’ll be waiting,

If you fall.

______________________________________


Thanks
#2
hmm, quiet good imo but...
-"I’ll always be up there waiting for you,
My dear, I will never forget you,"
you use the same word here two times, i wouldn't do that if i were you cuz it sounds weird when you hear it and it just doesn't sound right.

-"but the only person I could ever talk to is lying,
Six-foot underground," I don't really get that so maybe i'm just plain dumb, or that doesn't make any sense (and that is NOT good for a song, same for vagueness)
so if it doesn't make sense, i would change that.
EDIT: i get it now, i just thought you meant :" but the only person I could ever talk to is lying" so that lying is the name stupid me


if you need help or just to learn i would recommend the lessons here: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/lessons/songwriting__lyrics/
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/columns/the_guide_to/

hope that helped
Last edited by fender&gibson at Mar 8, 2007,
#3
i see what you mean with the "dear" thing

thanks for the advice

and yea those lessons really helped too,
thanks
#4
no no, you get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the 'dear', i meant repeating the 'you'.
but i don't see what you thought i wanted to say, so.. explane
Last edited by fender&gibson at Mar 8, 2007,
#5
ahh d/w i misread my own song.

I was thinking it says dear twice.... my mistake.

but i realise what you mean now anyway, thanks