#1
Of Indeterminate Depth

The drive to the cemetery was an awkward one. I went alone. It would be my first time seeing my sister in a long time. I know what you're thinking; she works there. No, believe it or not, Jane died at age twenty. They said it was suicide.

The other day, my roses gave up and died all at once, and I didn't feel anything. I haven't felt anything negative in a while actually, outside of the occasional disappointment and fleeting frustration. After realizing that this deficiency began after my sister's death, I decided to visit her for the first time in six months, since the day before she died.

I reached the Hartford cemetery and I was amazed. The graves were aligned perfectly into rows and columns. Each grave belongs to a three foot by three foot plot of land. It's probable that if I flew over it, I'd see an army of graves, each grave with its own three by three plot. It would seem that they had overproduced graves: unmarked graves as far as the eye can see, all symmetrical, all definite, all nine square feet.

It's funny; someone had tried to plant flowers on a grave, but the flowers unrooted and laid on the ground, sprawled out, alive but hoping not to be.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Mar 9, 2007,
#2
Of Indeterminate Depth

This was mostly fantastic. It really shows the depth you write with now, as well as the amount of reading you've been doing. Syntactic structures were really elevated, it had great flow...yadda yadda yadda. My little tigger is growing up.

The drive to the cemetery was an awkward one. I went alone. I wasn't aware you had a gift for dark humor. Very nice.I t would be my first time visiting my sister in a long time. I know what you're thinking; she works there. More dark humor. God, I envy you. No, believe it or not, Jane died at age twenty. They said it was suicide. This bit was wonderful. One of the best bits of writing I've seen on here in ages.

The other day, my roses gave up and died all at once, and I didn't feel anything. Maybe if you added 'about it', or 'one way or another' to the end of this sentence it would improve the rhythm and keep it truer to your tone. 'I didn't feel anything' sounds sort of...gay. I haven't felt any negative feelings A better synonym for feelings? Emotions, sentiments, something like that? in a while actually, outside of the occasional disappointment and fleeting frustration. After realizing that this deficiency More dark humor. God I love this. And you. began after my sister's death, I decided to visit her for the first time in six months.

I reached the Hartford Hartford, eh? cemetery and I was amazed. The graves were aligned perfectly into rows and columns. This is a little odd. Why would it be amazing if he's seen it before? If that's what you're going for, then that's fine. But I just wanted to make sure it wasn't an accident. Each grave belongs to a three foot by three foot plot of land. It's probable that if I flew over it, I'd For some reason I'd prefer this to be 'I would.' see an army of graves, each grave with its own three by three plot, and fences like urine Uh, what? to make family plots distinct. It would seem that they had overproduced graves: unmarked graves as far as the eye can see, all symmetrical, all definite, all nine square feet.

It's funny; someone had tried to plant flowers on a grave, but the flowers unrooted and laid on the ground, sprawled out, alive but hoping not to be. Well that's just fine.

Basically, this was a pleasure to read, I love your tone. I want more. Hurry and write it. Thank you. Good night and good luck.
#3
I thought that you did pretty well with this tiggs, the overall tone was kept consistantly somber, and I felt that the ending left room for thinking to be needed.

Your style seems to be a lot looser now. I can tell that you have allowed your self to break free of a lot of the binding that seemed to hold you down in some of your earlier pieces. Keep this up and you will continue to find new pathways for you imagination to lead you down.
#4
I've re-read the hartford piece and the mute confessional one, in fact I just finished skimming through all your pieces, I found some huge connections to this piece, and little ones here and there. From what I've read, this and the other pieces I think link to it, I think it's really beautiful, but maybe I'm reading to much into it. I'll edit this later.
#5
Wow... I really like the ending.

The bnegining i didn't like how you were "I know you're thinkign she works there." I felt that was kind of stupid and convey almost a comedy to the piece that I don't think belongs.

also i foundit kind of strange that the cemetary was in rows, if that's what i really looked like then okay, but i have never seen a cemetary all in perfect rows or anything.
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#6
The ending is spot on, but the rest of it is a little tiring. Nothing bad, just nothing amazing. The writing is solid and all, but it's basically just exposition. I think this would benefit from more. You could really build this up, it's a wonderful starting point, but as it is it's a little unsatisfying except for the ending.

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#7
stratkat, read this objectively. this only connects to edgar's nocturne as of now, it's part of a short story i'm writing at the moment.

edit: oh, and thanks all. the ending is simply a parallel to an idea expressed in one of the paragraphs, so... yeah.

edit2: then again stratkat, i don't write in a way so that things may be recycled unconsciously. im interested in your insights. i've found unintentional connections to other pieces in my work before, too.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Mar 8, 2007,
#8
Wow. That last bit had such beautiful imagery. The whole thing just seemed to writhe in its own vivid bleakness. I ****ing loved it and can't wait to see more!
#10
punch, you've improved so much man. This was beautiful, and I beg you not to bog yourself down in another short story unless you're 100% committed to it, 'cos your writing is excellent and if things like that stop you producing, then you're better off without them..

Great stuff once more Teg
#11
Quote by punchupatatigge
Of Indeterminate Depth

Sorry, I don't love this as much as everyone else...

The drive to the cemetery was an awkward one. I went alone. It would be my first time seeing my sister in a long time. I know what you're thinking; she works there. That line is AWFUL. I mean, the bluntness of it is awkward sounding, not to mention NO ONE would think that... maybe you're going for a sarcastic approach, but it does not work at all. If you want to keep the idea, just remove the "I know what you're thinking part." then you can say "Believe it or not" in the next sentence.No, believe it or not, Jane died at age twenty. They said it was suicide. Are you implying it WASNT suicide? If so, you should expand on that, or else it's just an unnecessary line...

The other day, my roses gave up and died all at once, and I didn't feel anything. I haven't felt anything negative in a while actually, outside of the occasional disappointment and fleeting frustration. After realizing that this deficiency began after my sister's death, I decided to visit her for the first time in six months, since the day before she died. You visited her the day before she died, eh? Spooky. Why haven't you gone to visit her since? You didn't go to her funeral? This is really... I don't know. It seems like that typical phlegmatic man, and I'm not into it.

I reached the Hartford cemetery and I was amazed. The graves were aligned perfectly into rows and columns. Each grave belongs to a three foot by three foot plot of land. It's probable that if I flew over it, I'd see an army of graves, each grave with its own three by three plot, and fences like urine to make family plots distinct. It would seem that they had overproduced graves: unmarked graves as far as the eye can see, all symmetrical, all definite, all nine square feet. Fences like urine? That's one of the worst similes I've ever heard, and I know you can do much, much better. Unmarked graves? That's awkward... By the way: They're three square feet, not nine. You squared the number, but if it's 3x3 then it's just three square feet, not nine.

It's funny; someone had tried to plant flowers on a grave, but the flowers unrooted and laid on the ground, sprawled out, alive but hoping not to be.I would remove "It's funny", personally. I find that I try to do the same thing, in attempts to connect with the reader or something, but I don't think that it's effective enough. If you choose to keep it, change the semicolon to a colin or something... Also, 'unrooted' should probably be 'uprooted'. I don't think unrooted is a word...


It's decent, but I think that you're capable of much more. I feel like there isn't enough thought put into this to connect all the ideas, and I'm left wanting something more substantial... This just seemed like such typical stuff to me. My advice is not to turn this into a short story. The last thing we need is another short story written about the effects of death...
Last edited by Retribution at Mar 9, 2007,
#12
well, although i disagree with almost all of it, i do respect your opinion.

i was considering changing the fences like urine line, although i like it, i can understand how it wouldn't convey anything to others.

edit: nvm.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Mar 9, 2007,
#13
Quote by punchupatatigge
well, although i disagree with almost all of it, i do respect your opinion.

i was considering changing the fences like urine line, although i like it, i can understand how it wouldn't convey anything to others.


I know what you were going for... like marking your territory, right?

I just think it's a really poor simile and that it's almost humorous in a piece that does not benefit from that style of humor.
#16
Quote by punchupatatigge
Of Indeterminate Depth

The drive to the cemetery was an awkward one. I went alone. It would be my first time seeing my sister in a long time. This is okay. Just that. I know what you're thinking; she works there. No, believe it or not, Jane died at age twenty. That seems like a weak attempt at morbid humor, and I feel that it just came off as cheesy. Would anyone with half a brain honestly think that your sister worked there? They said it was suicide. I like how you said that "they said" it was suicide, it gives off the feeling that you haven't really cared that much about your sister's death until now.

The other day, my roses gave up and died all at once, and I didn't feel anything. I like this line. I haven't felt anything negative in a while actually, outside of the occasional disappointment and fleeting frustration. After realizing that this deficiency began after my sister's death, I decided to visit her for the first time in six months, since the day before she died. Giving off, once again, a feeling that you didn't really care about your sister's death. It's kind of odd that, like Retribution said, the last time you visited her was the day before she died. Even if you didn't care about her death you would have at least gone to the funeral, because you're family. So I don't know, it just seems odd.

I reached the Hartford cemetery and I was amazed. The graves were aligned perfectly into rows and columns. Each grave belongs to a three foot by three foot plot of land. It's probable that if I flew over it, I'd see an army of graves, each grave with its own three by three plot. It would seem that they had overproduced graves: unmarked graves as far as the eye can see, all symmetrical, all definite, all nine square feet. My only complaint is that it would be three square feet, not nine.

It's funny; someone had tried to plant flowers on a grave, but the flowers unrooted and laid on the ground, sprawled out, alive but hoping not to be. I don't like "unrooted" it seems like a childish made-up word.

Overall I thought this was okay, but that you could do better.
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Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#17
Thanks for the crit Alk.

Also, to you people who don't know the area formula, it is length times width. because area is a second dimension function, the unit is called square feet. three by three creates nine square feet.

3 x 3 = 9
square feet is simply the unit.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Mar 11, 2007,