#1
Pure Soul, Impure

I remember lying,
Down on the fields afar,
Waiting for the moment,
Waiting for the moment
I remember falling,
Into your eyes, a shooting star,
If only for that moment,
If only for that moment

And when I dream this restless dream,
That reality falls away,
What do I need to do to bring,
My darkness back to day?

And I’d do anything to have her back,
To have her here, sleeping in my arms,
I’ll kill anyone to have her back,
Just give me the word,
and I’ll say that I’m yours
If only you would just bring her back

I remember hating,
Myself and Holy Lord,
Every waking moment,
Every waking moment
I remember going,
‘gainst my morals and my word,
Wasting every moment,
Wasting every moment

And when I kill their restful dreams,
My sanity fades away,
But if this will bring her to me,
With their blood I shall pay

And I’d do anything to have her back,
To have her here, sleeping in my arms,
I’ll kill everyone to have her back,
Just give me the word,
And I’ll say that I’m yours,
If only you would just bring her back to me

And if I can’t be one with peace,
Then why should the living stay blissful?
Do they know suffering?
Do they know the abyss,
Do they stare down Black Hole
With eyes clouded with mist,
Do they know suffering?
Do they know the abyss,
Do they walk along tightropes,
Slick with blood from my wrist?


By this hand they will pay,
By this hand they will pay,
By this hand they will pay
For their crimes against me,

And he shall be last
Holy coward,
You shall be last

Only then can I reclaim my own


STORY:

This is the sixth instalment of The Anubis Complex (check sig for the first 5). This is part three of Sindri’s Dream Weave (which I have decided to name the trilogy of The Desolate, Insurrection, and now Pure Soul, Impure). Previously, Sindri refused to help God kill Anubis. However, God has decided to deal with Sindri. He offers Sindri his wife, Luthia, back, in return for his destruction of Anubis. Anubis is responsible for the murder of Luthia, and Sindri starts to remember times when he was with his love, especially when they had first met and fallen in love. Sindri lays down himself for God, to do anything God wills in order to have her back. However, he starts to remember what he did after she died (check The Horror for that part of the story), and that part of Sindri starts coming through his new found fanaticism. This isn’t good. He condemns all those he sees as living in peace and ignorant bliss, swearing to kill them all for their ignorance, and finish with Anubis. Sindri’s alter-self then walks away on his unholiest of missions.

As ever, crit 4 crit.
And I’ll try to keep these more regular, but I’m working on a few more side projects now and uni is eating up a bit of time every now and again.
Thanks for reading.
#2
Whoa, that's an awesome piece....

And I loved that I didnt have to read the story or the rest of the saga in order to get some semblance of the idea behind the piece.
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"I AM metal"
#4
the song starts really good, but than I watched it falling slowly into a cliché pattern, the subject just kinda switches after the first verse.

I can say this- I really like how you gradually went angrier, I really liked that, only you chose some really Overused phrases to show that.
after reading the story I got what it supposed to be, I myself can't really connect with that kind of fiction...

that's it I guess, thanks for your kind words.
...And The Nominees Are
#5
Thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I don't know who you do it, but you keep writing awesome pieces. I thought that this was piece was great. The wording was beautiful and I really liked the theme. It was very emotional. I felt like I could feel the narrator's pain. Great job and keep it up. By the way, how many more Anubis Complex pieces are you going to write?
#6
I have music for another seven... the story is pretty much complete for now, I need to move onto other things musically, it's just writing lyrics for them, lol I have a few other side projects in the pipeline, one very NIN-esque which I'm planning to fully write and record in the space of a week... I thought I'd challenge myself

But yeah, cheers for the kind words, I appreciate your interest in The Anubis Complex When I get this done and recorded, I might send you a CD
#7
Quote by Deliriumbassist
Pure Soul, Impure

I remember lying,
Down on the fields afar,
Waiting for the moment,
Waiting for the moment
I remember falling,
Into your eyes, a shooting star,
If only for that moment,
If only for that moment
This was kind of weird. Ive got mixed emotions here, of course at this point i have no idea what this is about so I will continue.

And when I dream this restless dream,
That reality falls away,
What do I need to do to bring,
My darkness back to day?

Still in the dark here, Im guessing as to what its about. Gramatically this song is excellent so far, I just havent figured it out yet!

And I’d do anything to have her back, ahh sheding some light on it now
To have her here, sleeping in my arms,
I’ll kill anyone to have her back, this is ironic.. eye for an eye, a life for a life except the reverse of that... a death for a life? Quite a complex part in one sentence for me... Nice job.
Just give me the word,
and I’ll say that I’m yours
If only you would just bring her back

at this point the song is getting good. The tones are changing, and I like how you mention murder to have her back.

I remember hating,
Myself and Holy Lord,
Every waking moment,
Every waking moment
I remember going,
‘gainst my morals and my word,
Wasting every moment,
Wasting every moment

The repitition is good here. But to me it seemed you almost overdid the whole syllable buisness here though. It was on the brink of being bland with no excitement. It was easy to predict.

And when I kill their restful dreams,
My sanity fades away,
But if this will bring her to me,
With their blood I shall pay

Nice visuals here. You switched it up here, and the syllable problem fades away.

And I’d do anything to have her back,
To have her here, sleeping in my arms,
I’ll kill everyone to have her back, i like the transition from anyone to everyone. This was funny, I love how you went from a mellow tone to a more barbaric tone.
Just give me the word,
And I’ll say that I’m yours,
If only you would just bring her back to me

And if I can’t be one with peace,
Then why should the living stay blissful?
Do they know suffering?
Do they know the abyss,
Do they stare down Black Hole
With eyes clouded with mist,
Do they know suffering?
Do they know the abyss,
Do they walk along tightropes,
Slick with blood from my wrist?


By this hand they will pay,
By this hand they will pay,
By this hand they will pay
For their crimes against me, I would get rid of one of the 3 here, saying as your next stanza is a triplet, I would make this one also.

And he shall be last
Holy coward,
You shall be last

Only then can I reclaim my own

The rest was spectacular. I quite liked the repitition of the first words, no major flaws.



STORY:

This is the sixth instalment of The Anubis Complex (check sig for the first 5). This is part three of Sindri’s Dream Weave (which I have decided to name the trilogy of The Desolate, Insurrection, and now Pure Soul, Impure). Previously, Sindri refused to help God kill Anubis. However, God has decided to deal with Sindri. He offers Sindri his wife, Luthia, back, in return for his destruction of Anubis. Anubis is responsible for the murder of Luthia, and Sindri starts to remember times when he was with his love, especially when they had first met and fallen in love. Sindri lays down himself for God, to do anything God wills in order to have her back. However, he starts to remember what he did after she died (check The Horror for that part of the story), and that part of Sindri starts coming through his new found fanaticism. This isn’t good. He condemns all those he sees as living in peace and ignorant bliss, swearing to kill them all for their ignorance, and finish with Anubis. Sindri’s alter-self then walks away on his unholiest of missions. Maybe I should have read this first... Good idea here, it filled in the gaps. I liked the song quite much, each stanza flows quite well within itself, there were some akward changes for me but they all worked themselves out.

As ever, crit 4 crit.
And I’ll try to keep these more regular, but I’m working on a few more side projects now and uni is eating up a bit of time every now and again.
Thanks for reading.


Well there were no major gramatical errors, and all rythm and flow problems just seemed to work themselves out. Excellent peice, I dont think it got too cliche as some others stated. I think it worked out fine. Keep it up, If i get the time I will read the others.
#8
cheers mate

to clear something up, the stanza:

By this hand they will pay,
By this hand they will pay,
By this hand they will pay
For their crimes against me

comes after a lull in the music, and gradually builds up into the vocals in that stanza becoming progressively harsher, and then into a headbanging sort of riff into a solo.... the last stanza is really quiet, over acoustics (at the moment, until I decide to change it, I always do) quite a bit after.... should have really mentioned the musical directions in that bit.
#10
I will get it done tomorrow at some point, I gotta go to bed

cheers for the crit. Check out the others if you're interested in the story. Don't bother critting them, they've already been critted a loooooooong time ago, lol... unless you feel you want to crit them, of course