#1
I was walking past 7 buffalos
having a picnic in Central Park:
Two parents, four children, one friend of the kids.
They asked me where I was going with my
apple and my dirty hair.
I was still trying to understand the odds of seeing
talking buffalos.
They said, "Boy, the big money is Folk."
So I got a banjo dipped in gold laquer.

I was Spin's Man of the Year last year.
My album tanked below ocean pressure.
I walked out on three wives, four Golden Globes,
robbed an art gallery and already named
my second effort:

Horsemeat.
Poor advice.
#2
For some strange reason I highly enjoy this piece. I only disliked this line "My album tanked below ocean pressure." it just overall killed the flow of the piece.
#3
haha, i feel like the only reason this is brilliant is because it's not like anything else i've ever read. unless, of course, we're talking about different pieces from you. honestly, none of your stuff is crittable, A+ for being crazy. i'm going to bed.
#6
Tomorrow...

A full crit from regulars, I hope.


The mind is not willing anymore........
Poor advice.
#7
I was walking past 7 buffalos
i think you should use the word "seven" since you use the words for the numbers two lines down.
having a picnic in Central Park:
Two parents, four children, one friend of the kids.
They asked me where I was going with my
apple and my dirty hair.
i like this line... fairly simple but it really helps the imagery
I was still trying to understand the odds of seeing
talking buffalos.
well put
They said, "Boy, the big money is Folk."
So I got a banjo dipped in gold laquer.

I was Spin's Man of the Year last year.
My album tanked below ocean pressure.
I walked out on three wives, four Golden Globes,
not sure if i'm reading this line properly... but are you saying you also walked out on four Golden Globes? ... because if that's the case then maybe the next line should start with an "I" again since the "walked out" part doesn't apply anymore at that point.
robbed an art gallery and already named
my second effort:

Horsemeat.

one of my favorites that i've seen of yours i think... i really enjoyed it.... sorry that was the best i could do with the crit.
#8
I was walking past 7 buffalos
having a picnic in Central Park:
Two parents, four children, one friend of the kids.
I hate small children, let's not speak of FIVE
They asked me where I was going with my
apple and my dirty hair.
Mind your fucking business
I was still trying to understand the odds of seeing
talking buffalos.
yeah, I really like this line
They said, "Boy, the big money is Folk."
So I got a banjo dipped in gold laquer.
this is the line that turns the piece to some what humorist.

I was Spin's Man of the Year last year.
My album tanked below ocean pressure.
I walked out on three wives, four Golden Globes,
robbed an art gallery and already named
my second effort:

Horsemeat.


I didn't want to crit the second stanza because I couldn't crit without inserting my own vision of it, I thought it was perfect. good job.

Sorry for being borderline unhelping..

In your spare time, if you wanna-

Click here.
...And The Nominees Are
Last edited by jagstang270 at Mar 9, 2007,
#9
Hey Randy....well, I feel like you had a pretty interesting idea at the first with the Buffalo's and all, but the way you went about it after that was a little sluggish. I felt the 'banjo' idea was a little clumsy, which lead to the rest of it being very 'eh', and amounted to something a lot less meaningful than a lot of pieces do for me.

With some work, this might have potiential, but as of now it should just be considered 'under construction'.
#11
An odd way of beating a dead horse.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said by streetcarp or bassbeat.
Wade in the water, child.
#13
Quote by AWA
There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said by streetcarp or bassbeat.

+1