#1
crit4crit

QUILL ARCHITECT

Sanctuary
Built on dead trees
Quill architect
With bricks of ink
The temple's floors
House spectres
Living in rooms
With knobless doors

When this world is heavier than lead
Then the queen will lay in the pauper's bed

Elixir lore
Fills every pore
The ailis web
Entraps the morgue
Night's fantasy
Is truer than
The fiction of
Reality

When this world is heavier than lead
Then the queen will lay in the pauper's bed
Last edited by themarsvolta at Mar 9, 2007,
#2
towards the end, did you mean 'Is truer than the fiction of reality?'

Just wondering, for it might need some editing to allow for some proper impact throughout the piece.

Not as insightful as some of your pieces from the past, but the again I don;t really think that was your intention here. There are some pretty cool ideas here, but I just don;t think they were carried out in the most impactful way.

For a rough draft, it is a good start, but it has potiential to be something much more special.
#5
hey dude, saw you post in another thread and wondered if you wrote a new piece...

this is good, I quite like it, not my favourite of your works, but I reckon this could have a great impact if done right... I really could see this as a reprise in an album, if you intend to write music for this. However, if you're keeping this as prose, it flows well... love the imagery

"When this world is heavier than lead
Then the queen will lay in the pauper's bed"

Those are kickass lines. Keep up the good work

crit my new one?

Pure Soul, Impure
#6
The title's good, that and bricks of ink are defintely my fav lines. the second stanza (not counting the couplet) was defintely mystifying. I like how you avoided cliche and kept it short... 8/10 overall.
#7
I like it. I like the double meanings you give that kind of bind together the ideas of writen creation and physical construction (at least that's how I interpreted it). What kind of music would you be putting this too?
"There is no greater love than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friend." - Jesus