#1
This is the first time I've written in a long while. I'll be glad to read yours and crit it, as a thank you for your time!

The Curable Equation for a Miserable Heart

Manipulation of words,
deception of friendship,
why aren’t I with you,
he’s always with you.
Laugh at me gently,
your smile subdues me.
Hope is not fading;
I’m just weary of waiting.
The desire for you remains,
I’ll be better, I’ll be true.
I promise, I swear I care, I do.
But you break me so easy.

It’s the addition of my misery,
the subtraction of your others.
The answer is real simple,
you and I, together always.
Let’s multiply our love;
we’ve been divided for so long.
This is the curable equation for a miserable heart.
How will you solve for me tonight?

I see where you are,
I see where you’ve been.
I heard you were happy,
so make me happy.
A Lack of words,
a cluster in time,
put away my fantasy,
and make it play true.
You were curiously engraved,
deep in my heart,
so gracefully placed.
Are you best buried elsewhere?

It’s the addition of my misery,
the subtraction of your others.
The answer is real simple,
you and I, together always.
Let’s multiply our love;
we’ve been divided for so long.
This is the curable equation for a miserable heart.
How will you solve for me tonight?

Remember those memories,
rerunning through my heart.
Let’s make new memories,
let’s fix my divided heart.

- Chris Williams
#2
I'll probably crit this later, I was just curious about your title. It *sounds* really cool, but does it even make any sense? The Curable Equation for a Miserable Heart: So the equation is curable? Should it be some better sounding version of "The Equation to Cure a Miserable Heart"? The only way I could see it making much sense is if your song is about there being a method of curing your miserable heart you're using, but it's flawed, and you need to "cure" the method in order to cure yourself, but that seems a bit of a stretch, based on a quick overview of your lyrics. Thoughts?
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#3
You're absolutely right Revalk , I think the title is a little flawed in that sense! Very nice call. I'll get back to you soon, I need to think about this a little bit.

Thanks
#4
Manipulation of words,
deception of friendship,
why aren’t I with you,
he’s always with you.
Laugh at me gently,
your smile subdues me.
Hope is not fading;
I’m just weary of waiting.
The desire for you remains,
I’ll be better, I’ll be true.
I promise, I swear I care, I do.
But you break me so easy.

Okay I assume its a song. I'm not really a fan of the way this is written, you jump around and cover far too much far too quickly. L4 needs "when" to begin it. I also cant see how she can laugh at you and smile at the same time? I also find the diction slightly uninventive. Sorry to be so blunt. I just dont get a sense of meaning behind this, I mean this could be about anyone, for anyone. If you really want to write a song about "her" then make it personal, screw the reader to an extent, she should be the only focus.

It’s the addition of my misery,
the subtraction of your others.
The answer is real simple,
you and I, together always.
Let’s multiply our love;
we’ve been divided for so long.
This is the curable equation for a miserable heart.
How will you solve for me tonight?

L2 - Other what? I really didn't likethe colloquial feel of L3; "Is real simple" it sounded very un poetic, or very worthy tbh. And the last line is a bit awkward, worded how it is; "Solve for me" I do however like the mathmatical theme, it des work, although it is used very blatently. A much better stanza imo.

I see where you are,
I see where you’ve been.
I heard you were happy,
so make me happy.
A Lack of words,
a cluster in time,
put away my fantasy,
and make it play true.
You were curiously engraved,
deep in my heart,
so gracefully placed.
Are you best buried elsewhere?

L4 needs "too" at the end. Although this stanza is better organised than the first, it still seems very disjointed. "A Lack of words, a cluster in time" doesn't really work together imo...if theres a lack of, how is their enough to make a cluster? Scattered would be far more viable. The last 4 I like, even if the last line is slight wayward.

It’s the addition of my misery,
the subtraction of your others.
The answer is real simple,
you and I, together always.
Let’s multiply our love;
we’ve been divided for so long.
This is the curable equation for a miserable heart.
How will you solve for me tonight?

Remember those memories,
rerunning through my heart.
Let’s make new memories,
let’s fix my divided heart.

yeah not a bad ending, although if they are re-running, its a present act, how would you remember them, if you said, "now rerunning..." then it might work. ot you could say "that ran through my heart..." Its up to you.
As I said to begin with, this feels awfully impersonal, and while that makes it easily accessable, its perhaps not the most satisfying piece for the subject. idk, maybe it was your intention.


Theres a piece in my sig, if you have the time. Thanks
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Very nice Steve, thanks, seriously. That was a really interesting post, and I'm excited to edit this and I hope in the future you would recheck it. Would you happen to have any links to tutorials on how to write a little more efficiently? I'm interested in learning but don't know where to begin.

I'd be glad to look over the piece in your signature later tonight.

Chris
#6
Well theres the lyrics tips thread (at the top ofthis forum) which is always worth the read. Reading others work always helps you see how others construct pieces. Sure I'll keep an eye out and check back when I can.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.