#1
I haven't posted on this for awhile, but i'm back. I wrote this pretty much on the spot but i want you crit as much/as hard as you want. no hard feelings. crit for crit too

V1
My head on his shoulder
His scent is familiar
Something about him
reminds me of you

V2
In the back of my mind
i still have thoughts of us
sometimes i wish that
i could feel your touch

C1
And i know it's not fair
To hold him close
When i still love you
I thought i moved on
But now i know it's not true

V3
I don't know why
but i picked up that phone
gave you a ring
hoping you were home

V4
Went straight to your message
so i hung up the phone
you're probably on a date
You've probably moved on

C2
And i know it's not fair
but i hold him close
when i know i love you
i can't move on
but how do i know
if we're really over?

V5
i ran into you one day
i wondered if just maybe
i had another chance
you said it's too late, i'm gone

V6
Your eyes told another story
your heart sang another song
but it was only me
just me who could hear it

C3
And it's not fair
that i hold him close
when i know i love you
i know i could have you
but you just refuse
to see whats going on

thanks for reading!
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Mar 10, 2007,
#3
nice song, it has good feeling and flow and it really speaks for itself, like i said nice song
#4
Quote by Cyclones41
I haven't posted on this for awhile, but i'm back. I wrote this pretty much on the spot but i want you crit as much/as hard as you want. no hard feelings. crit for crit too

V1
My head on his shoulder
His scent kind of familiar
Something about him
reminds me of you

It's a good start, but I think the second line needs less syllables in it because it seems to halt the flow of it.

V2
In the back of my mind
i still have thoughts of us
sometimes i wish that
it was your touch

Again, I think the last line halts the flow; it could use one more syllable. I like the sentiment of it though.

C1
And i know it's not fair
To hold him close
When i still love you
I thought i moved on
But now i know it's not true

No complaint's about this, it's nice and simple and I like the sentiment.

V3
I don't know why
but i picked up that phone
gave you a ring
hoping you were home

This has good flow to it.

V4
Went straight to your message
so i hung up the phone
you're probably on a date
You've probably moved on

I especially like the last two lines of this, it's quite catchy. I think it's the repetition of "You've probably" that makes it so good.

C2
And i know it's not fair
but i hold him close
when i know i love you
i can't move on
but how do i know
if we're really over?

As with C1, no comlaints, and again, I like the sentiment.

V5
i ran into you one day
i wondered if just maybe
i had another chance
you said it's too late, i'm gone

I'm not so keen on this, the syllables seem all over the place, although it depends how you read it, I've just read it thorugh again and it seems alright.

V6
Your eyes told another story
your heart sang another song
but it was only me
just me who could hear it

Nice. The repetition in the first two lines of this stanza really work well for me.

C3
And it's not fair
that i hold him close
when i know i love you
i know i could have you
but you just refuse
to see whats going on

My only complaint with this part is the last line, it just seems a bit simple to me, but hey, that's just my opinion.

thanks for reading!


Overall, it's a good piece, and I like the sentiment it holds. I especially like the use of repetition, you've used it to good effect. Well done!
#7
Yeah this is really good although I think V3 and V4 were a bit weak. Nice job.

Angel