#1
This is just something I wrote a night or two ago, and it's my attempt at being a little more, impulsive so to speak, in my songwriting techniques, thought I don't think it's great, so please crit for crit.

And I did steal one lyric from Ghandi, but apart from that it's what came out of my head.

Under the cover,
You know it's the same,
Whisper a lover,
Dropping a name,
Part of a picture,
Part of the game,
Saying I love you,
To settle the rain,
Reason to believe,
The clouds are getting higher,
Reason to believe,
That you start the fire,
And when you realise,
It's me your looking for,
The fire is burning,
You head for the door,

You've got to see to,
Believe,
You've got to feel to,
Relieve,

Now I'll tell you something,
You didn't know,
I didn't find you,
You knew where to go,
The sounds are there,
Buried deep in your mind,
An eye for an eye,
And we'd all be blind,
Now if you listen closely,
Deep in your head,
Your thoughts are calling you,
To get out of bed,
And because to love,
Means we don't have to give,
A reason to love,
And a reason to live.


As before, crit for crit, just post the link to your lyric.

Version 2 - I changed the lyrics in response to comments and my own personal thoughts, I think its slightly better now, but still lacks a chorus sounding part.

Under the cover,
You know it's the same,
Whisper a lover,
Dropping a name,
Part of a picture,
Part of the game,
Saying I love you,
To settle the rain,
Reason to believe,
The clouds are getting higher,
Reason to believe,
That you start the fire,
And when you realise,
It's me your looking for,
The fire is burning,
You head for the door,

You told me somethin’,
I’d never forget,
You got me stuck,
You got my mind set,
The sounds are there,
Buried deep in your mind,
An eye for an eye,
And we'd all be blind,
Now if you listen closely,
Deep in your head,
Your thoughts are calling you,
To get out of bed,
And because to love,
Means we don't have to give,
A reason to love,
And a reason to live.
Last edited by Godbe at Mar 9, 2007,
#2
"Reason to believe,
The clouds are getting higher,
Reason to believe,
That you start the fire,
And when you realise,
It's me your looking for,
The fire is burning,
You head for the door,"

I didn't liek the whole part. something abuot it just felt realling.... i dunno it was kidn of liek i've read it before.


I wasn't a fan of the last stanza... I did like the last four lines though... it was a pretty decent piece in my opinion.


if oyu have time please

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=541291
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
Quote by Godbe
This is just something I wrote a night or two ago, and it's my attempt at being a little more, impulsive so to speak, in my songwriting techniques, thought I don't think it's great, so please crit for crit.

And I did steal one lyric from Ghandi, but apart from that it's what came out of my head.

Under the cover,
You know it's the same,
Whisper a lover,
Dropping a name,
Part of a picture,
Part of the game,
Saying I love you,
To settle the rain,
Reason to believe,
The clouds are getting higher,
Reason to believe,
That you start the fire,
And when you realise,
It's me your looking for,
The fire is burning,
You head for the door,

I like everything about this verse, it's greatly written. Nothing great to say about this.
You've got to see to,
Believe,
You've got to feel to,
Relieve,

This bit really lets you down, it stems the flow for hardly any reason. What you say here could be said 1000 times better. I also don't like the repetition of the lexis. In my opinion it's just a nuisance and doesn't create much feeling, compared with the first stanza. Maybe you should leave the lines and add more onto it, or just re-write this bit.

Now I'll tell you something,
You didn't know,
I didn't find you,
You knew where to go,
The sounds are there,
Buried deep in your mind,
An eye for an eye,
And we'd all be blind,
Now if you listen closely,
Deep in your head,
Your thoughts are calling you,
To get out of bed,
And because to love,
Means we don't have to give,
A reason to love,
And a reason to live.

The start (first four lines) to this stanza is plain, it doesn't jump out and want to be read, it's just basically "meh" I s'pose, it's ok. I loved the line "An eye for an eye, And we'd all be blind". So simple, yet so powerful. It hit me in the face "wow" style. The last thing that let you down here was the "To get out of bed" - again it's simple and boring especially with the lines as short as they are. It could have been (off the top of my head) something like: "To confront your dread" or something. The ending is nice though, I like the point. Overall, it's more than solid but there's just little things letting this piece down.

As before, crit for crit, just post the link to your lyric.


If you could please crit mine: "Keeping My Eyes Open" - it's my first attempt at poetry
#4
Quote by Adam_Harrison9
If you could please crit mine: "Keeping My Eyes Open" - it's my first attempt at poetry


I agree with your comments completely, that's what I disliked about it when I wrote it. And I'm a man of my word, so yes I'll crit your piece.
#5
the piece is very good. but i agree that the short stanza is too simple for the rest of the piece. you've set the bar so high with the first verse that then when you get to the "chorus" if you will it just seems kinda lame. not to be harsh, because that would work in a simpler piece but not in this one. could you crit my newest, "us' ? it's in my sig thanks
#6
The flow was amazing. That's all I can really say.
Wade in the water, child.
#7
First four lines were superb. There's a real casual feel to it.
Encore God & Asomodai- UG JHS Brotherhood

Encore God: fighting UG Zeppelin-centrism since 2002.