#1
Unlike my last song about guns, this one is NOT about sex lol. Its fairly easy to understand, and if you get around to critting, PLEASE be as harsh as you can about whats wrong with it. Im not 2 years old, I can handle knowing something is wrong with my peice Here goes nothing!

Another Shell in the barrel

Put another one in the barrel,
Then crack it closed and aim it high,
Watch the fire works as they rain down
Starry eyes as you watch the sky.

Then it hits you like a northbound train,
Your southbound head will feel the rain,
Bloody eyes as you watch the sky,
Crack them closed as I say goodbye.

But this moment was not for death,
And God lent you another breath,
But this air was from my lungs,
And now I must give my life for yours.

So, I put another in the barrel.
I cracked it closed and aimed it high.
I shot my arrow to peirce God's heart.
I hid my face and prayed for a fresh start.

But I was praying and this is true irony :
"I pray this is connecting to you from me.
I hope that you can see what I impart.
I'm shooting this message, to peirce your heart."

With biblical explosions and such,
these typical expectations touch
my alert sense of untypical peril,
So I load another one in the barrel.

Then crack it closed and aim it high,
Watch the fire works as they rain down
Like a kid with a twinkle in his eye,
at a tiger with a thorn in his side.

The tiger in god, my thorn in his side,
In my heart I see his eyes blazing wide
Where can I hide with almighty after me?
There is one place and I have the key...

Put another shell in the barrel.
Crack it closed at aim it high,
The bullets run parallel to my eye.
They intersect at the origin of me,
My brain has visitors for the first time,
Hello, bullet.
#2
this is good, I quite like it. However, one problem:

But I was praying and this is true irony :
"I pray this is connecting to you from me.
I hope that you can see what I impart.
I'm shooting this message, to peirce your heart."

Unless this is meant to have a totally different flow, it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece... especially that first line.... the first lines on the other stanzas start with 9 or 8 syllables, and they fit well with their respective lines afterwards. However, this starts with 12 and goes to 11, then 10 and 10... to me it just doesn't seem to work as well.... but that'll be different for different people, depending on how they read it, obviously. Otherwise, it's good.

crit mine?

Pure Soul, Impure
#5
I'm getting the impression that this is about attempted murder? Not bad, the Biblical references keep it interesting.
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