#1
Edit : alright, I added to this. It's pretty much complete story-wise, but I'll most likely make some changes.


I'll add some more to this. I don't expect crits on that, but decent comments will be returned. Thanks to those who take the time.

Perdus en mer

Une mer infinie, tombant de tous côtés
Sur laquelle voguent des bateaux démis,
Navires sans voiles ni coque, des radeaux majestueux
Se referme.
Les embarcations glorifiées
Se plient sur elles-mêmes
Sans toutefois ne jamais se briser ;
Elles sont souples comme la nuit,
Cette dame qui s’étend dans la brume,
Nue, sur le lit du monde.

Et sur le bois pourris par les flots et le temps
Perlent la sueur, les larmes,
et les crues violettes,
violentes d’ivresse,
Voilant tendrement
L’écrasante tristesse d’un voyage éreintant.

Puis le mouvement gagne en intensité,
Les tendons se tendent et les vagues se superposent
En une gamme bruyante et variée,
Vague amalgame sonore et grandiose

Puis la houle claque et la tempête cesse,
Quelques toues poindrent maladroitement
De derrière ce qui reste des crues.
Ces improbables survivantes,
Sensibles à quelconque secousse, au moindre souffle,
Pointent maintenant vers un ciel bleu et clair.

Et pendant que les marins se relèvent et se soignent,
Se questionnent sur les événements,
Lentement émerge cette Dame chaleureuse qui dormait,
Douce et vierge, au fond des océans.

Et non loin de la vapeur percée par de clairs faisceaux,
Sans trop comprendre pourquoi,
Pour la première fois,
Un marin cria :
"Terre!"
Last edited by circular.parade at Mar 14, 2007,
#4
No no man nothing like that, I'd have just closed it. It was me eagerly entering the thread to read, only to realise, suddenly I cant read, it.

<- Initial impression

<- I dunny understand iiiiiit!

<- Me leaving with head down. (ish) he looks happy though.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 9, 2007,
#5
A lot of pieces have been posted lately about the sea and everything.... i think I've enjoyed this one the most. All of your descriptive words compliment eachother and that helps in painting the picture. I particularly like the metaphor you used for mist... very well done. And I liked the angle you took in the last stanza... looking at it from the angle of exhaustion... that adds to the originality.

Seeing as french is by far not my strong point I can't give you a crit... so I'm glad you're not expecting one.

good work.
#6
Best piece ever.

Eloquent, very much so. The fog lines are brilliant, as is the whole first stanza. The second stanza is an excellent step-back and finishing touch on the piece. I'm a little off on the grammar set up of "glorifiées", though. No biggy, pretty sure I have it.

I basically love this.

I love any sea-involving poems really haha.

Excellent work.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Wow, thank you so much to both of you!

How exactly do you read it? like, can you read french or do you put it through google translator? 'Cause I'm a bit afraid of what it would look like. But yeah, thanks a whole lot, definitely! I'll return comments tomorrow (well, bassbeat's actually, since Culex you barely ever have anything up )
#8
I'm fairly fluent. I can do more reading and writing than I can do actual speaking. I have to pause at times and I'm slow-speaking compared to more fluent people. I've also pretty much stopped becoming fluent as the only practice I get nowadays is AP French. The only problem I had was the glorified boats folding in on themselves part, I just found it awkward in wording because I read it the wrong way.


And no, I don't post here really. No need to get back to me :]
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Mar 10, 2007,
#9
That's beautiful, it sounds great in the first place, and the little I understood was awesome, then I put it in the translator, it doesn't look as bad as you'd think, it's actually looks great.
I applaud this.

I liked these three lines:

et les crues violettes,
violentes d’ivresse,
Voilant tendrement

and the obvious use of three similar "V" words. Sounds good.

If you want to please leave a comment on
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=542063
Thanks.
#10
I thought it was excellent. Something to keep in mind though is I think the "sea" themes are pretty overdone nowadays. Is french your first language?
#11
I just ran this through a translator (see post #9) and it basically butchered it.

Translator doesn't work for this one folks.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
It's actually fun to see you guys going through what I first went through when I joined back 2 years and a half ago . Thanks again, eh! Will have supper soon but I'll get back to you guys.

Quote by Stevo12312
I thought it was excellent. Something to keep in mind though is I think the "sea" themes are pretty overdone nowadays. Is french your first language?


Actually yes, french is my first language. I know about the sea being cliché and all, but this piece is not done. The sea is more a setting than the main metaphor itself... I guess I won't explain already though. But thanks a lot for your comment.
#14
this is good. what more can i say
the sound of the words combined is powerfull

the next Jacques Brel
i love french texts
#15
i'm not good at explaining and not so good in translation french,
but i understand most of the parts i think.
again, good job mon ami
#16
I win, win, win, since I don't understand french because I was taught spanish, I can't read this, but I don't even care, because it was phonetically beautiful.

But yes, I told you so, so, so.

<3
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#18
i thought it was beautiful. first of all, french is such a beautiful language and i loved the flow and your choice of words and all. can't really crit much though, apart from the fact that i loved it.
okay i went back and read it twice over again, out loud. i'll tell you again. it's beautiful, from start to ending. do you have more french poems?
#19
does that mean I can post songs in Hebrew?

wth all these great reponses i'm kinda sorry I can't read it myself

maybe a translation will help? (paweese) or is that out of the question?
...And The Nominees Are
#20
I really like this, I love how it sounds so great in both French and English (I used a translator), especially in the way an online translator is likely to screw up or just be straight-up inaccurate. As it has been translated by computer it's kind of tough to get the whole meaning, but from what I can gather it's about being lost at sea and finding land. Despite complications with deciphering meaning, I can still say that some of the descriptions are great. Overall I'm just impressed by how well this works with both languages, good stuff.

If you could leave any brief comments on mine that would make me happy.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8556533#post8556533
#21
Phantom : Yes , I have tons of them. I've been experimenting a lot in french as of late (which might explain why I don't write much in english). Thanks a whole lot for your time, I'm very glad you like it.

Jagstang : yes, I guess you can't post em (Hebrew poems), but there aren't as many people that know the basics of that language as French. I don't feel like translating it, since it would be totally different... Sorry, eh!

Ad*Astra : I'll definitely critique yours, I've read it already don't worry. Right now I'll go to bed though, but I'll do it soon. I'm afraid the translator might have butchered it but eh. You've got the main lines of the poem, so I guess it kinda 'works' anyway. Thanks for your time.
#24
i can't speak/read french but i put it in a translator and despite a couple words not fitting (it was easy enough to find a word that would fit thoug) it was still very good in my opinion so i can only imagine what it's like in french...
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#25
í gave this a try without the translator,
but, simply put, i just plain suck at french.
so i put it through the translator and got
a butchered version, but i pretty much
understand it overall and stuff. SO.

my only complaint is when you used
"puis" to begin two stanzas in a row.
it just didn't feel right for some reason.
i think you should think of something else?

but. from what i understood of it,
and from what i got from the translator,
this was very well written and sounded
very very beautiful (in french, that is).

I just want to sleep forever.