#1
Crit please... try and guess the theme... not too hard i hope

Verse 1:

Listen to the places where the sun comes west to east,
and then the place that you call home wanders,
through your memory.

Trail the white rabbit through the mirror on the wall,
and then you twist another fable round the,
Lies destroying lives.

Chorus:

Travel far away into the sunset of a world unknown.
List’ning to the sounds: soundtracks from a far horizon.

Verse 2:

Melancholy choirs of the damned but still in pain,
When the gifts from above rain down in a shower.

Waiting not in person for the sons of mothers dieing for no,
Reason whatsoever.
Feeling rather clever?

Chorus:

Travel far away into the sunset of a world unknown.
List’ning to the sounds: soundtracks from a far horizon.

Soundtracks from a far horizon.

Soundtracks from a far horizon.
Last edited by Nick19 at Mar 18, 2007,
#3
Okay here's the deal. I will give you a full and proper analysis if you fix all of those lines when you break at "the."

This piece looks pretty good, but the line breaks are sooo distracting.

Peace -Edgar
#4
@ndakasimba:
Sorry 'bout that. It was written like that because that's how it fits the music, but I changed it for you. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated.
#5
Sorry for the delay man, I've been mad busy.

Verse 1:

Listen to the places where the sun comes west to east,
and then the place that you call home wanders,
through your memory.

Trail the white rabbit through the mirror on the wall, <-- nice use of the word trail, i dig.
and then you twist another fable round the,
Lies destroying lives. <-- sweet word sounds

Chorus:

Travel far away into the sunset of a world unknown.
List’ning to the sounds: soundtracks from a far horizon. <-- this needs to be more interesting. the first line is pretty lame and cliche and the second "listening to the sounds" is pretty trite as well. "soundtracks from a far horizon" is good, but i'd rewrite the rest for sure.

Verse 2:

Melancholy choirs of the damned but still in pain, <-- wha? how does this part fit?
When the gifts from above rain down in a shower. <--- i think i would axe this entire couplet. it doesn't add anything to the piece.

Waiting not in person for the sons of mothers dieing for no,
Reason whatsoever.
Feeling rather clever? <--- nice sentiment, but the phrasing is so awkward. "sons of mothers" is quite redundant since all sons have mothers, but like I said, the idea is def. there.

Chorus:

Travel far away into the sunset of a world unknown.
List’ning to the sounds: soundtracks from a far horizon.

Soundtracks from a far horizon.

Soundtracks from a far horizon.

To me this is a bit of a political piece, which is always cool. Some of the phrasing is whack and I feel like there needs to be a little more of a progression through out the song. I want it to start somewhere and end up somewhere different. Also, I'd like some more description using the five senses, it would spice this one up quite a bit.

-Edgar