#1
okay. this is a short story in progress.

please tell me what you think and if it's worth
working on any more, cause i really don't know.


“The Coffee’s Cold.”


I woke up in a copse, with a mouth full of autumn leaves and moribund June bugs replacing my teeth. It was raining. My clothes were drenched. I wiped away the layers of dirt and dried blood from my face and looked around the crippled thicket I was lying in. There were broken branches and shards of glass scattered all over the ground like two different sets of jigsaw pieces tossed together into one box. The forest's turbid foliage had almost completely buried the twisted frame of my overturned car, but I could still smell its nicotine-stained interior through the fractured windshield and splintered sunroof. For some reason, the car had always reeked of cigarettes, even before I took up smoking. Not even the hundreds of pine-scented air fresheners that I had bestowed upon the rearview mirror over the years could get rid of the awful stench. And neither could the stale smell of the blood-stained, rain-soaked leaves that were now covering the once bright red paintjob. There was something so disturbingly surreal about the way that the moonlight hit those leaves and the way that those leaves came to rest on that car.

“The coffee’s cold,” I said to her, as I lit another cigarette. I scanned the headlines of the day’s newspaper, looking for something interesting to read, knowing that I wouldn’t. And as I predicted, there was nothing worthwhile, so I dropped the paper on the table and stood up just as she sat down. “I wish you wouldn’t smoke so much,” she said, as I poured my coffee down the drain. “I do too, honey, but it’s just not going to happen,” I replied. I looked at my watch and told her I had to go to work. I took the cigarette out of my mouth for a second, worked up a strained goodbye kiss and grabbed my jacket and keys. I walked out the door, got into my car and left for work.

This was my morning routine. Each and every day began with the same cold cup of coffee, the same tired cigarette, the same dull newspaper, and the same complaints regarding my constant smoking. And every single morning ended with the same forced goodbye kiss, each one becoming more arduous than the last. At first, I found it so incredibly tedious to wake up to the same banal routine every day, but eventually I grew accustomed to it. It soon became somewhat of a reminder of the inevitable monotony of life, and somehow, I found comfort in knowing that no matter what happened, there would never, ever, be anything interesting to read in the newspaper.

One day, instead of simply complaining about my habitual smoking, she reached over, grabbed the cigarette from my mouth and dropped it in my cup of coffee before I had a chance to pour it down the drain. It was extinguished almost immediately. To be honest, I still don’t know what prompted such an unusual response to the usual routine, but it was that single doused cigarette that sparked this whole series of such dreadful events. I violently stood up, grabbed my jacket and keys and walked out the door without the usual strained goodbye kiss. I got into my car, slammed the door shut and left for work. That morning’s commute felt so much longer than any other morning’s.

TO BE CONTINUED.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 10, 2007,
#2
i liked it.... it's definitely good enough to keep working with.

the first stanza paints the scene really well... i can totally imagine being there.

my only complaint is that the character's "routine" seems a little too simple to hold the readers interest... i know it's supposed to be simple and relatable... but i think it needs something extra to help keep it interesting through that point in the story... or maybe thats all part of the big scheme of the story.... either way good stuff so far.
#3
well. it's supposed to be simple and boring.
like. this is his life. it's all just a boring routine.
i guess it kind of gets more important later on.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
The song is very very good. One thign wrong though....you use the word " I " to much. Try to mess around with the structure of the song and take out some of the I's. Otherwise I think it is great.
#5
...

did you read the introduction?
it's not a song. it's a short story.

but thanks for reading, i guess.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
Eh to be honest kyle there was very little in this first part that intrigued me or made me want to read on.

Perhaps it gets more exciting the further you get into it, but for an opening it was tedious to read and I felt it was going nowhere imo.

Alot of it just seemed clumcy and unlike you, imo, "There were broken branches and shards of glass scattered all over the ground like two different sets of jigsaw pieces tossed together into one box." I thought was worded like you were just writing this as you went along and the jigsaw puzzle idea you thought of at the end of the sentence, so you just... tacked it on.

Also, the fact that in 3 bulky paragraphs almost nothing happened got to me. Personally I like openings to grip me and make me want to read on... like you said, it purposely boring and simple, but that for me was a turn of to the piece and it never got me hooked. "but it was that single doused cigarette that sparked this whole series of such dreadful events." is not enough to make someone want to read on.

Sorry Kyle, but I didn't take to this one

If you could get to the one in my sig, i'd appreciate it. Cheers man.
#9
well. it's supposed to be simple and boring.
like. this is his life. it's all just a boring routine.
i guess it kind of gets more important later on.


Yeah but the problem is...it's simple and boring. The imagery is nice, yours always is, and you've got some idea of where this is going, but we don't really. We know the guy ends up dead with his car in a ditch and we know that his home life blows, but you haven't really given us much of anything. You've told us about quite a lot, but that doesn't count for anything. The idea of describing somebody's routine as a way of reinforcing the ideas of the story or whatever is all well and good, but you have to do two things a) you have to try REALLY hard for us to give a shit, and b) you have to break the routine in a significant manner. So far you haven't given us enough of a character that we care what happens when the routine gets broken.

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#10
yay for good criticism!

i don't know whether or not i'm going to continue this.
if i do, i will take all of your complaints into consideration.

I just want to sleep forever.