#1
C4C. Sort of a couple things from my night. Tell me why it sucks, please. Doesn't really sound like me, I'm kind of just writing how I want to write not a specific style.



$1.07 in exact change

We're stitching lungs of stranded hair
to collect the smoke we've been exhaling
every night for the past three years,
while waking up only to spit-up blood
and gaze back at blood-shot eyes.

I push open the door,
walk back to the counter,
force a smile and a
"have a nice day."


-when was the last time that
that phrase actually meant something?
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Mar 11, 2007,
#2
$1.07 in exact change

We're stitching lungs of stranded hair
to collect the smoke we've been exhaling
every night for the past three years,
while waking up only to spit-up blood
and gaze back at blood-shot eyes.

I didn't like the stranded hair part at the end of the first line, I'd have thought of something different, but that's just me. I don't have any other problems with it.

I push open the door,
and walk back to the counter,
force a smile and a
"have a nice day."

I don't like the way this is written, maybe it's cause there's one to many ands, I'd take and out of the second line, I think it would sound a lot better.

-when was the last time that
that phrase actually meant something?

Decent ending, I don't have any problems with it.

Overall I thought this was okay.
#3
i very much like the imagery in the first stanza.

i dont like the transition from the first to second stanza. it feels like you are missing something in between

i personally like the repitition of "and" in the second stanza. this stanza does, however, feel like it is breaking the mood of the first portion of this poem.

i like the last two lines, thats a good observation.

BOTTOM LINE:
My only problems with this poem are:
1) It feels like there is a jolt between the first and second stanzas. a smoother transition would help.
2) Stanza number two really breaks the mood of the rest of the poem.
#4
i have no complaints about this poem. i thought the transitions were fine, the imagery was spectacular, and the "stranded hair" pun was very intelligent. nothing but good words, good job.