#1
i got lazy with the title... sorry.... and yes it's a poem.


The Feti of Flora


I wanted to bring love
back into my life
So I put myself on
a rosebud diet
so that my words
would come out
as potpourri
when diction failed me

Now I feast
on the feti
of flora

I wanted to bring you
back into my life
So I began
to eat the rose stems
so that the thorns
would keep my
tongue in check
when patience failed me

Now I
can hardly
feast at all
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Mar 11, 2007,
#2
"the roses stems"

rose's stemes or rose stems? I don't like how that part is worded anyway, kind of trips the flow.

Anywho... I loved the sentiments form this piece. In fact it's pretty good for what it is, the simple style ad elegeance of it really works and there's not much really change, as there's little of it anyway. I don't thin kthe second half is as good as the first half and I think the second stanza flow could be slightly better, mostly the line above.

Good job man. Nice work.
#3
^ thanks Jamie... i knew something wasn't right with that line... but nothing clicked as to what it was... so thanks for clueing me in.

and when i first wrote it there was no second stanza or anything... i had added that after... because it seemed a little too short before.... but anyways yeah... maybe i'll try changing a couple line breaks in it to help the flow.

thanks again.
#4
Quote by bassbeat77


The Feti of Flora


I wanted to bring love
back into my life
So I put myself on
a rosebud diet
so that my words
would come out
as potpourri
when diction failed me

Now I feast
on the feti
of flora

I wanted to bring you
back into my life
So I began
to eat the rose stems
so that the thorns
would keep my
tongue in check
when patience failed me

Now I
can hardly
feast at all


"These words at best were worse than teenage poetry,
fragment ideas and too many pronouns."

Whenever I see an excessive use of pronouns I think of that song...

but I thought this was really pretty good. Nice job.



oh and I'm not asking for a crit back, in fact I don't want a crit back.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#5
I didn't think there were too many pronouns... It is slightly simple, yet complex when you read over and over again, which is the way some of my favorite songs are. Good job.
#6
Quote by TontoGoneCrazy
I didn't think there were too many pronouns...


It could have been worse, but in my opinion there were a little too many.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#7
thanks guys.... and Alk... thanks for pointing that out... i dont think i can fix it in this one now cause it would completely change the piece... but i'll keep it in mind for the future.
#8
I think the only thing that would need fixing would be the lines:

back into my life
So I put myself on

because of the close proximity of "my."
That really annoys me, the other pronouns aren't that much of a problem. And I know it's hard not to use pronouns, they just bug me.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#9
I really like the way it reads...the simplicity of it made it (and forgive me for using this word) cute. Were you going for the witty kind of feel to it? Either way, great job.
#10
thanks ihatescooterpie... and no... wasnt really going for wit haha.

and Alk... I see what you mean with those lines... if I can think of a way to fix it I will.

thanks.