#1
This is a poem... Im not used to writing things without playing music to them, so its a new thing for me.


Hitman's Veracity

December 5th.

The silence envelops.
The scheme evolves.
Blue eyes stare out,
Not knowing what develops.

The silencer slips on
Quietly behind the door.
The hammer is drawn,
As he treads across the floor.

She stands, back to him,
Watching the snow fall.
The lamp's glow is so dim,
Hiding the silent assassin.

"Dont scream." He whispers,
His gun softly stabbing,
"I've been hired to do you in,
But I wont do this again."

So soft was the sound.
The woman turned around.
His eyes a soft green,
His face shaved clean.
His hair pitch black,
Short and spiked back.

"I came here to tell you,"
He said with a hard stare,
"What you must do, is
Pack your things and run
Far away from here."

She mouthed the words but
she did not speak a word,
"Why? Who?" and "For what?"
These things seemed absurd.

She blinked one time, and
Only once - A split second,
and when they reopened,
he was gone. There lay
a letter. What did it say?

Dont ask questions.

December 12th
The silence envelops.
The light runs thin,
Against his word,
He would kill again.

The room was black.
The walls were white,
They would be red
But not this night,
If it were not for the
cleanliness of the man.

Unguarded was he,
Not a smart way to be.
When you bribe such
A hitman, you should be
careful when a touch
could be your end.

And this was the end.
He had too many enemies,
And too little friends.

"Dont scream" He said.
The gun pointed at his head,
The man gasped; it was his last.
And was gone with the gun blast.

But why did he want her dead?
Why did he put a price on her head?
In a blink the hitman was gone,
The deed was finally done,
But so many loose ends.
In the dark lay another note:

Dont ask questions.
#2
Quote by Greenguy32123



Hitman's Veracity

December 5th.
- I like the business with the dates.
The silence envelops.
The scheme evolves.
Blue eyes stare out,
Not knowing what develops. Odd rhyme scheme, but I like it.

The silencer slips on
Quietly behind the door.
The hammer is drawn,
As he treads across the floor. Different rhyme scheme. Since most of the rest of it is like this, you might want to tweak the first stanza

She stands, back to him,
Watching the snow fall.
The lamp's glow is so dim,
Hiding the silent assassin.

"Dont scream." He whispers,
His gun softly stabbing,
"I've been hired to do you in,
But I wont do this again." This line doesn't make a lot of sense. I know he's talking about warning her, but it sounds like he means the hit. I'd work on clarifying it.

So soft was the sound.
The woman turned around.
His eyes a soft green, I'd make this line about her eyes instead of his if I were you.
His face shaved clean.
His hair pitch black,
Short and spiked back.

"I came here to tell you,"
He said with a hard stare,
"What you must do, is
Pack your things and run
Far away from here."

She mouthed the words but
she did not speak a word, You should think about replacing one of these "words" with a synonym.
"Why? Who?" and "For what?"
These things seemed absurd.

She blinked one time, and
Only once - A split second,
and when they reopened,
he was gone. There lay
a letter. What did it say? Very good, I this stanza a lot.

Dont ask questions. This I like.

December 12th
The silence envelops.
The light runs thin,
Against his word,
He would kill again.

The room was black.
The walls were white,
They would be red
But not this night,
If it were not for the
cleanliness of the man. My favorite line.

Unguarded was he,
Not a smart way to be. Great couplet.
When you bribe such
A hitman, you should be
careful when a touch
could be your end.

And this was the end.
He had too many enemies,
And too little friends.

"Dont scream" He said.
The gun pointed at his head,
The man gasped; it was his last.
And was gone with the gun blast.

But why did he want her ?
Why did he put a price on her head?
In a blink the hitman was gone,
The deed was finally done,
But so many loose ends.
In the dark lay another note:

Dont ask questions. Good use of repetition.


Overall, I like it. I'm a fan of Bond films, and it reminded me of them. I like the way the language shifts from being epic to very colloquial ("unguarded was he/not a smart way to be"). It's good as it is, but with some tweaking it could be great.
Listen to mah discs.



And coming soon, THE CLEVER DEVILS VS. THE BLONDES.

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Last edited by VoodooChild15 at Mar 11, 2007,