#1
I wasn't going to post this for fear of displaying signs of heading back towards the 'old' me, it still seems I need to eject it every so often, so yeah anyway, enjoy. I added a couple of definitions to help.

Miserere - A prayer for mercy and a ledge for standing worshipers to lean against.
Dreys - (I understand it is a squirrels nest, but literary can mean any form of nest).
Fra Mauro - Is a crater on the moon.
lycanthrope - Is a Werewolf.


Lent against the Miserere


‘gainst an attentive Miserere, lent with
invertebrate frame, was
a misanthrope by the name of Carnot. So preserved
was he, water laid aligned with
numerous corrodes.
Stalactites besieged digits,
and mites wove asthenic dreys
of mold yet limpid form.
Sanctioned with elliptical wit
his projection palate split; and fifty-five cataract allusions
wept with Arcadian apt, towards
the foot of his own shadows feet. If not,
perched as Fra Mauro spectacles,
where fractals are kept, laden in desiccated meres,
to suffix the air with sable cursive
of Valentine declines. Coursing ‘midst living
lobes, and lycanthrope lore- yet fading by
reach of lych-gate lips, where
spectres lurk under horripilate guises
to point you near your flush resides.
It was he; Carnot, to first perceive the world
as a meagre ossuary.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 12, 2007,
#3
Haha I dunno if thats a good or bad thing, if you have anything to say, good or bad, I dont mind.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Eh, I'll be back when your less.... verbose

I'm with Truly on this one.

Your flow kicks ass though, and how it all reads is great.

#6
i say screw it, im gana try to give u a decent crit anyways.

‘gainst an attentive Miserere, lent with
invertebrate frame, was
a misanthrope by the name of Carnot. So preserved
was he, water laid aligned with
numerous corrodes.
ok, so far i love how u described a simple scene with so much detail. i understand it should be about a mankind hater leaning against something, seemingly untouched by time,or thts how i got it. to me, i got the impression the person was a statue of sorts

Stalactites besieged digits,
and mites wove asthenic dreys
of mold yet limpid form.lol, i know wat limpid means, yay me but mabe put a comma after mold
Sanctioned with elliptical witi think it needs a comma after wit
his projection palate split; and fifty-five cataract allusions
wept with Arcadian apt, towards
the foot of his own shadows feet. If not,i think it should be shadow's
perched as Fra Mauro spectacles,
where fractals are kept, laden in desiccated meres,
to suffix the air with sable cursive
of Valentine declines. Coursing ‘midst living
lobes, and lycanthrope lore- yet fading by
reach of lych-gate lips, where
spectres lurk under horripilate guises
to point you near your flush resides.
It was he; Carnot, to first perceive the world
as a meagre ossuary.


ok thanks to my big brain *cough* dictionary.com*cough* i was able to read it.but i never said i completely understood wut u were going for.wat i got out of it was a statue of a mankind hater,leaning against that one thing, with crystal like squirrel nests on him? and then something happened with his shadows and stuff...... but yea im not really sure how the squirrel nests fits in exactly, i think its kinda not needed, but then again, im not sure about its meaning. good writing, and if ur gana leave a key of the meaning of the words..... you might wanna add quite a few more to it.oh dont worry about returning the cirt now, just wait till i post somthing new if u could.
#7
Nice. I liked your use of latin words that most of us Westerner culturized don't understand. Its was good. There isnt anything at all I would change. It was great. If you have time, crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543934
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#8
It's an interesting concept, but I don't think it really communicates much to me. I have a fairly extensive vocabulary, but the constant use of untypical words means that there's a barrier between the writer and the listener/reader. I'm pretty sure that some of the words are slightly out of context as well.

As I said, great concept, but I think it can be better expressed than in this format.
Encore God & Asomodai- UG JHS Brotherhood

Encore God: fighting UG Zeppelin-centrism since 2002.
#9
This is way over-due, but I hope this goes a long way.

Lent against the Miserere

‘gainst an attentive Miserere, lent with
invertebrate frame, was
a misanthrope by the name of Carnot. So preserved
was he, water laid aligned with
numerous corrodes.
Stalactites besieged digits,
and mites wove asthenic dreys
of mold yet limpid form.
Sanctioned with elliptical wit
his projection palate split; and fifty-five cataract allusions
wept with Arcadian apt, towards
the foot of his own shadows feet.

The thing is Steve, I really don't like this, here's why and I think Jared will back me up on this, you're using words for no reason other than to use the words. I would have prefered you spell out the word Against, but for some odd reason, be it flow or pretentiousness rearing it's head, you've opted to shakespeare it. You can have used the alliteration here because this is like reading words from random pages in the dictionary, you've introduced a character but the imagery is lost within the words. I can't visualize anything when you've thrown at me so many ideas already. I think you need to realize that using a word versus another word is the real skill of diction. I think you're just using the opposite end of simple to impress people into thinking this is any thing but a simple piece laced with more complex words that they arem't familiar with. I have completely abandonned this way of writing because it proves nothing in the long run. Sure you've got a hearty sounding piece will a lot of weight placed into the words but, like I said you've lost the meaning of what you've intended to write.

If not,
perched as Fra Mauro spectacles,
where fractals are kept, laden in desiccated meres,
to suffix the air with sable cursive
of Valentine declines.

This is sloppy sounding, suffix the air with sable cursive of valentine declines. I don't think valentine can be used as an adverb, it's not grammatically correct here and it quiet frankly sounds awful. I'm not even sure what the even means, valentine decline. Is it just the inside rhyme you've got there because that's called forced rhyme and I'd hate for you to go back to such a beginner's mistake. This is really bad, and I suggest you revise this or straight up delete it.

Coursing ‘midst living
lobes, and lycanthrope lore- yet fading by
reach of lych-gate lips, where
spectres lurk under horripilate guises
to point you near your flush resides.
It was he; Carnot, to first perceive the world
as a meagre ossuary.

Same thing here with the above comments, but here you've tried to salvage this ship wreck by re-introducing the Character. I'm not sure if I read a story, or a history lesson on this Carnot, or really if I just read a bunch of words that are vaguely relating to something this cat did. I can't find any real meaning in this except in the last line, which is generally bad, as your last line shouldn't be the line to give meaning to the piece, it should be the line that detonates the dynamite and makes the piece explode with brilliance. If the first few lines are the hook, then the middle would be the line and the meat, and the very last thought, sentence, idea, should be the sinker, the explosion the thing that turns the piece into being okay into being brilliant. If you can completely change someone's mind with a final line then it's done the job. The point here is, the only part of this piece I got was the first line and the last, and everything was lost in between as a sort of wordy history lesson on a Character that I have no real connection to. It's like me writing a Sonnet as Abraham Lincoln about his wife during a day when he wasn't saving the slaves. I, for one don't give a shit about Abraham Lincoln, and for some reason I could go so far as to say you don't give a shit about this Carnot. Anyway, I wouldn't give two shits what was in the poem, and the reader wouldn't give two shits what they were reading because there is no personal connection there, when you do characters, there has to be a connection there otherwise it's like, who the **** cares about this guy, I don't. You've got a lot progressing to-do as an "abstract and verbose" writer and doing pieces like these are leaps and bounds backwards into a primal state of using words as sticks to kill poetry that are retarded deer. I'm sorry Steve, but I figured you had to hear this from someone, and I am glad it is me.




I still you.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#10
I think I didn't know what to say because I wanted to say what Matt said, but didn't want it to come from me.
#12
Fair enough, I do have to mention that these pieces are purely exercises for me. And while it seems an exercise in pretention, it actually is just practice. I'll post the re-write of this in the near future. Thanks for the honesty guys. And Evan say what you want bro, i'll only take it on board.

You can tell from my other two pieces that this isn't just my style.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 14, 2007,