#1
crit4crit

MAN-MADE GOD

You speak in tongues that caress me
When will your serenade address me?
Voiceless hymms sung by your eye
Is that celestial song
No more than a siren's call
Or does it sing of Paradise?

Do you remember
Purifying me
In the waters of the stream?
Do you remember
Or was that just a dream?

Pass through the threshold
And bless this house
In your stream of holy waters
Let my heart be doused

The zealot erects shrines of worship
To be betrothed in heavenly courtship
Salvation through a man-made god.
The face of the eternal sun
Shines in my eyes the light of love
Or just a pleasant mirage

Do you remember
Purifying me
In the waters of the stream?
Do you remember
Or was that just a dream?

Pass through the threshold
And bless this house
In your stream of holy waters
Let my heart be doused
Last edited by themarsvolta at Mar 17, 2007,
#2
You speak in tongues that caress me
When will your serenade address me?
Voice hymms sung by your eyes
Such a celestial song
Must be more than a siren's call
The tune leads me to Paradise
Wow. Very desriptive, very good.


Do you remember
Purifying me
In the waters of the stream?
Do you remember
Or was that just a dream?
Very very nice. I love the rhyme scheme.


Pass through the threshold
And bless this house
In your stream of holy waters
Let my heart be doused
I don't really like this part. But that's just me. Great vocabulary though.


The zealot erects shrines of worship
To be betrothed in heavenly courtship
Slavation through a man-made god.
The face of the eternal sun
Shines in my eyes the light of love
Or just a pleasant mirage
This stanza kind of reminds me of a death metal song, I don't know why, it just does. I like it though.


Do you remember
Purifying me
In the waters of the stream?
Do you remember
Or was that just a dream?

Pass through the threshold
And bless this house
In your stream of holy waters
Let my heart be doused


..........

All in all i love it. Kin of confusing for people whom dont know the vocabulary. Crit mine? in the sig

Great by the way
#3
hymns, not hymms I believe

Voice hymms sung by your eyes
Such a celestial song
Must be more than a siren's call


Were the only lines I wasn't happy about here, kind of disliked the flow after a great, flowing opener. Just put this piec eon hold for me imo. The rest as usual was pretty faultless, you're such a solid and consistent writer.

Now challenge yourself and go out of your comfort zone, just for a test, for a hwile. then come back to this style, and take it several notches further, go deeper with metaphors, story and feeling. Experimenting will help you immesnely improve this style when you come back to it. I just don't want you gettin' to comfortable and becoming predictable and old.

#4
I really liked the rhyming scheme in this. It seemed like you just took it and rhymed naturally, rather than trying to be really sophisticated. It was nice. The title really hooked me though, these subjects do... Crit mine?
Last edited by TheShadow at Mar 15, 2007,
#5
Great job man. I can't find anything that I dislike. May I ask what the inspiration was for it?
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#6
MAN-MADE GOD

You speak in tongues that caress me
When will your serenade address me?
Voiceless hymms sung by your eyes
Such a celestial song
Must be more than a siren's call
The tune leads me to Paradise

Do you remember
Purifying me
In the waters of the stream?
Do you remember
Or was that just a dream?

Pass through the threshold
And bless this house
In your stream of holy waters
Let my heart be doused

The zealot erects shrines of worship
To be betrothed in heavenly courtship
Slavation through a man-made god.
The face of the eternal sun
Shines in my eyes the light of love
Or just a pleasant mirage

Do you remember
Purifying me
In the waters of the stream?
Do you remember
Or was that just a dream?

Pass through the threshold
And bless this house
In your stream of holy waters
Let my heart be doused

I really enjoyed this because it's effective on so many levels. I like a lot of what Jamie said in his crit about this piece, and I think you should follow his advice. I only have one question, is it supposed to be "slavation" or did you mean "salvation". Other than that man keep it up, I'd like to take a look when you try something different.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!