#1
Story Behind The Song:
I seem to write better in school, looking at the girls whom I find attractive. Songs seemingly spring to mind. This is no different. I wrote this song from a span of 7th period to 8th (the last period). Enjoy...Crit please.

This might break your heart
And I’m sorry if it hurts
The time we’ve spent apart
Has made me feel worse…
I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout you
And I hope the feeling’s the same
I hope you love me too
Cause I can’t deal with this pain…

But I’ll keep a part of you with me
So you won’t feel bad about this
I forget the things you did
Cause all they do is remind me
Of all good times with you
And all the bad ones too
But I’ll keep a part of you with me
Cause all this does is remind me…

Did that just break your heart?
Cause I really hoped it would
I’d rather break apart
Then stay together like we should…
Cause this really ain’t that bad
Because there are more hearts for you to stab
But I’ll keep the piece of you close to me
Just to feel you…

But I’ll keep a part of you with me
So you won’t feel bad about this
I forget the things you did
Cause all they do is remind me
Of all good times with you
And all the bad ones too
But I’ll keep a part of you with me
Cause all this does is remind me…

Just go away, Sarah
Just go away, Sarah
Just go away, Sarah
I don’t want to see your eyes cryin'

But I’ll keep a part of you with me
So you won’t feel bad about this
I forget the things you did
Cause all they do is remind me
Of all good times with you
And all the bad ones too
But I’ll keep a part of you with me
Cause all this does is remind me…
But I’ll keep a part of you with me
So you won’t feel bad about this
I forget the things you did
Cause all they do is remind me
Of all good times with you
And all the bad ones too
But I’ll keep a part of you with me
Cause all this does is remind me…
Last edited by electric7 at Mar 29, 2007,
#4
uhhmmm... all i can really critique is your word usage... a more over-the-top word usage might be a bit better, Ex.- the word bad is used a lot, you might try switching it up to induce more feeling. Also, structure of statements might need a little inverting, Ex.- instead of writing everything as "Sub.- Verb," try switching it up. sometimes, when you make the reader have to focus more to understand what you mean to say, it makes them focus more and have an overall stronger effect on them
#6
Quote by TheSmilingGoat
i cant get inspired the same as you, i go to an all boys school lol


wow, that totally sucks. i feel bad for you. theres a all dudes school like a mile down from the school i go to. i know a dude who goes there. i hear it sucks.
#7
hey, thanks for getting mine.
i read this once already. but i kind of decided that there wasnt really anything i felt the utter desire to change. i liek it alot, although it gets kind of repitive at the end.
if you could do something about that.. i think it would be better.


darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#8
Alright a few suggestions:

A more expansive vocab and word choice would greatly improve this, IMO. You use almost the same words over and over again. It's not that big of a deal, it's just not doing the actual content of the song any justice. Try to avoid repeating words and using bland language you might use every day in conversation. Look into more specific verbs or stronger adjectives that really paint a picture in our head. You want your imagery or even the narration to leave an impression in the listener/reader's mind. Otherwise, it won't do much, but occupy time in their brains for a few seconds then hit the road. One thing you really have going here is the sincerity. I love how genuine you sound in certain parts of the song. Try to stick with that and make sure it's there throughout the entire song.

I hope this helps a bit. Thanks for the crit on mine. I appreciate it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep