#1
Floating
I ran out
to the water
to grab
an astray frisbee.

CRASH; CRASH

From beneath
a wave
I saw my dearest
friends and my
parents sitting in a circle
chatting
laughing
smiling.

Crash; Crash

I turned my eyes
and saw
two teenage lovers
walking hand-in-hand
then stopping
and yelling
stepping back
hands raised high
then stopping
and hugging
loving
kissing
smiling.

crash; crash

I skimmed the beach
and noticed
nobody unfamiliar
or older
but a child
sitting alone
skipping rocks
to the sea;
one passed
over me,

the water didn't ripple.
and Finished knowing -- then --
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Mar 12, 2007,
#2
Corey you know the rules man.

If I leave this open, you cant post for a week.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
In the past, the rules were interpreted as two threads per week, not two songs explicitly. If they're different now I'll delete this and only post one of them.
#4
Under Alice's revision its one song per day two per week.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Quote by SilenceEvolves
Floating
I ran out
to the water
to grab
an astray frisbee.

CRASH; CRASH

From beneath
a wave
I saw my dearest
friends and my
parents sitting in a circle
chatting
laughing
smiling.

Crash; Crash

I turned my eyes
and saw
two teenage lovers
walking hand-in-hand
then stopping
and yelling
stepping back
hands raised high
then stopping
and hugging
loving
kissing
smiling.
this part doesnt read too well to me..i think you should change the "then stopping and hugging" part around a little
crash; crash

I skimmed the beach
and noticed
nobody unfamiliar
or older
but a child
sitting alone
skipping rocks
to the sea;
one passed
over me,

the water didn't ripple.
and Finished knowing -- then --


that was the only thing i noticed that seemed a little awkward. the rest had a real nice flow to it.
#8
From beneath
a wave
I saw my dearest
friends and my
parents sitting in a circlei would cut out 'in a circle,' it reads better imo
chatting
laughing
smiling.

Crash; Crash

I turned my eyes
and saw
two teenage lovers
walking hand-in-hand
then stopping
and yelling
stepping back
hands raised highmabe put 'with hands raised high'?
then stopping
and hugging
loving
kissing
smiling.

those were the only 2 things i could find that bothered me a bit.nice job
#9
Floating I'm presuming this is the title? Or firts line of the piece?
I ran out
to the water
to grab
an astray frisbee.
"an astray" I feel is awkward. I/out/to/to/an in close proximity, I feel this stanza could do with a bit more imagery maybe or just more exciting phrasing, just to flesh it out. Though I alsolike your imsplistic style. Eh, I'm nitpicking

CRASH; CRASH

From beneath
a wave
I saw my dearest
friends and my
parents sitting in a circle
chatting
laughing
smiling.
Personally I think you need some commas here. I don't feel this piece has gripped me so far in the way I like writing to.

Crash; Crash

I turned my eyes
and saw
two teenage lovers
walking hand-in-hand
then stopping
and yelling
stepping back
hands raised high
then stopping
and hugging
loving
kissing
smiling.

I guess you're not punctuating delibaretly I feel there's a deeper meaning to be had from this now. I like the difference in the last 3 words compared to the last stanza here, nice and subtle repeat of smiling. I'm not sure what you're getting at by "yelling", though my hinking is it relates to the crashes.

crash; crash
Beautifuly simple quitening down of the crashes.

I skimmed the beach
and noticed
nobody unfamiliar
Eh, this last line I don't care for, clumsy imo.
or older
"Unfamiliar or older" I don't like. Just seems odd to say.
but a child
sitting alone
skipping rocks
to the sea;
one passed
over me,

the water didn't ripple.
and Finished knowing -- then --
ah this confused me in the end. The phrasing of this last stanza or two for me was slightly awkward and sounded not quite right, but that might be down to you short (imo slightly tedious) line breaks.

Overall it didn't hit me very hard, I feel you could put a bit more in there to excite the reader more, as I feel this is too plain to really have an impact.

I'd appreciate a critique on my latest, the one in my sig. Thanks if you can
#10
This was not up to your usual standard IMO Corey. The imagery was exceedingly weak throughout. Specifically in the second stanza, when you use "From under a wave" and "In a circle"...for me those phrases actually made the situation more confusing, rather than providing me with an image to frame my thoughts.

I did think that the two final stanzas were quite good, mainly because your syntax improved so much, esp. in the stanza about the boy skipping rocks. The rest of it seemed really stopstartstop, and the diction was plain throughout, which isn't necessarily a weakness, but in this case it was.

:-\