#1
Crit4Crit
This isn't great, but there's something in it that makes it a half way decent piece, I'll make it obvious later.

"Thoughts I Never Thought I'd Have"

I've always
liked the spot
under the bridge.
Valentines day we came
here and stayed until
early in the morning.
Right now I miss you more than ever.
That moment wasn't ruined with too much thought
or worrying about how much time we had.
Moments like that are perfect
until we're forced to leave each other.
Contemplating what I should do while I'm
here, I lift my head up
to look at the writing all
over the wall,
Darling...
It's so overwhelming...
everything, but...
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 13, 2007,
#2
"Thoughts I Never Thought I'd Have"
Come on man, that title sucks

I've always
liked the spot
under the bridge.
I love your simple, setting openings. Possibly you should think about dividing this up, and give a more descriptive opener. Though this suits the purpose, this little memory opener. "Liked" can be made stronger (though challenge yourself and steer clear of love).
Valentines day we came
here and stayed until
early in the morning.
nice subtle rhyme. Too simple sentence structres so far though.
Right now I miss you more than ever.
Again, wanting more. You need some clauses and more ocmplex sentences, the flow goes with too many short ones. This line is incredibly cliche.
That day wasn't ruined with to much thought
too
or worrying about how much time we had.
This idea was clumsily done imo, the execution can be improved so the idea is more clear.
Moments like that are perfect
until it's time to go home.
See this would be good, if it were breaking up longer sentences. Unluckily it's not. Use sentence length like this to drive home points, make it add emotional impact. This loses allimpact because it's just another short sentence.
Checking my watch it's almost time to leave
Awkward. Bad lin ebreak imo aswell.
here, I lift my head up
to look at the waiting all
Waiitng all? Seems odd.
over the wall,
Darling...
I...
Everything.
interesting ending.

Defintiely I think you can revise this, add more, break it up, vary the sentenc length and make those ideas have far more impact than they do right at this minute

In my sig, if you could. Cheers again man
#3
It's an acrostic, that's why the lines are so weird.
Also I meant writing all over the wall, I should probably proof read more.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 12, 2007,
#4
too much. not to much

makes sense. didn't see that straight off hehe. Ah well, apart from missing out an "o" on too in the acrostic, disregard what I said about line breaks, though they could still be smoother.

Take in everything else though
#5
No offense, but it wasn't a particularly great acrostic... "Iluvhertomuchtodie"? If you're gonna use an acrostic, spell properly? It'll give you more lines to work with, and more variation too. Crit mine?
#6
Well it's about contemplateing (< I probably spelled that wrong) suicide, so it makes sense with the piece since the character is reminising about her while he's thinking about offing himself. I already critted your latest so I'll either edit that one or wait on your next one.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 12, 2007,
#7
I've always
liked the spot
under the bridge.
Valentines day we came
here and stayed until
early in the morning.
Right now I miss you more than ever.
Really bland line
That day wasn't ruined with too much thought
I hate when ppl say "that day" if it is so personal, then be more sentimental about the day.
or worrying about how much time we had.
Moments like that are perfect
until it's time to go home.
You used timeagain here, does seem to work for me.
Checking my watch it's almost time to leave
and again
here, I lift my head up
to look at the writing all
over the wall,
Darling...
I...
Everything.

I'm sorry man I really wasn't a fan of this piece, it felt so impersonal, when it really shouldn't, you mention the bridge then a bunch of lines that just didn't feel heartfelt enough, all for the punchline. Try and detail the day more, its not about your feelings in general, why was it a special day.

I also recently made the same mistake regarding Acrostics (Not mentioning spelling love/luv) you cant just break the lines to suit, I mean it obviously works, but leaves the flow in tatters. Overall I'm sorry I've been so harsh, this lacked finess and the experienced execution of some of your other works.


peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
you know, it should be "too" not "to"

I liked the first few lines a lot, up through "Right now I miss her more than ever." I can definittely relate to this.