#1
Ahhh hometown life.

Critique for critique. Leave a link pretty please.

Enjoy


asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life

downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown
#2
asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours

I think this is an awesome way to start a piece, I just really like it for some reason. Only thing I haven't figured out is why it says brown but it's browtown, I'm guessing it was a typo and he just went along with it.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)


stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..

So far I really like this piece, for some reason it reminds me of "Mindless Drug Hoover." I loved the first two lines because they flow very well, it's catchy.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...

I love the first line, this is my favorite stanza in the piece. I don't know what stick up the Vs means.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life

I still think the internet chat thing is really cool.

downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown


I get the browtown thing now, the brown town is probably just what the kids call their shitty town. I don't have any problems with this stanza.

I liked this. I thought you had a lot of good imagery, and described things really well.
Sorry but I couldn't think of a lot of stuff to say about this,
if I can think of anything else I'll edit this.
#3
Thanks for the crit. I always enjoy reading your words of encouragement. Anyways, another solid piece from you. I liked the reference to the internet chat. I thought that was pretty cool and original. I thought the whole piece was pretty humorous. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but it's still good. Very good, indeed.
#5
Ahhh hometown life.

Critique for critique. Leave a link pretty please.

Enjoy


asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours
very interesting start. i like how it is simple but very clever at the same time. the whole conversation idea is pretty neat and makes it fun to read.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..
Here its curious vibe starts to slow down but it still keeps me interested and it works well the first part.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...
I like how it started off sort of playful and now you start getting more insightful...if that makes sense. i especially like the last two lines

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life
i like how you go back to the internet conversation idea.
downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown

overall i liked this a lot. its very original...i would suggest just maybe adding in more conversation since that was my favorite part.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544686
#6
Quote by Jammydude44

asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours

Nice start, interesting idea. In a formal piece of writing "the guy was like" would sound really odd, but this does seem to be an informal "conversationy" piece at this point, but the phrase still sounds unattractive in this piece of writing to me personally. It could really go either way, just a nitpicky opinion. I do like the back and forth conversation and the subtle rhyming with that. Overall great start.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..

First two lines are really great. I see the "jay" part again which I can't say I'm particularly a fan of, although I suppose I could see that working if this is a song as opposed to a poem, which I can infer that it most likely is a song from the strange oohing. It gets more descriptive here which I like, moving the piece along well. So clarification....Browntown, like you're saying it's a shitty town, right?

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...

Um, can't say I have any complaints here, I love this stanza, especially the first two lines.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life

Back to the original "forum" idea. Nothing bad here, just the last two lines seem lacking to me, maybe just bland wording.

downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown

Decent ending here, nothing wrong but the "where young tykes take poppers" line sounds weird in general. I like the alliteration it has, which sounds nice, I just almost feel like that line's too long or something. Otherwise the rest is good.


Overall this is quite an enjoyable piece, the descriptions were great and there were some clever lines. So yeah, not a lot of complaints here, nice job.

Could you please check out mine if you've got time?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544026
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Ahhh hometown life.

Critique for critique. Leave a link pretty please.

Enjoy


asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours

Umm i like this, though i think the 'for no reason' is A. unnecessary and B. ruins flow
otherwise good

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..

i really dont like "flying knife " I would prefer "victims of browntowns very own" i dont like the... brown town thing. Plans to release one? dont udnerstand that.

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...

sp on syringes

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life

downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown


ya know i really like the central theme behind this, though i think you could of presented it better. By better i dont say different, i love the way you did it but i dont like the lack of punctuation, especially cause these are full sentances. Now it seems like your actually providing a commentary right? you use things like 'cos and stuff like that but soemtimes it seems like your just narrating. I think you should distinguish when your commentating compared to when your narrating. If your constantly narrating, slang words like 'cos arent necessary.

That is all
#8
Thanks oodles you three, I'll get back to you two anonymous and ad*astra.

Appreciate the words Mike.

#9
asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours

i think the internet convo thing is a neat little twist . flows weird but i like it

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..

i like the last line . nothing to complain about here

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...

def. my favorite part of the song . no idea what the Vs thing is about . but nothing to fix

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life

again i like the internet convo thing

downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown
love the ending


sorry i really couldnt help you out much but theres just nothing that i could see that needed to be fixed . keep up the good work . and if you get a chance could you crit mine . https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545148 . thanks bro
#12
Cheers you three, I'll hit you back when I have some spare time, within the next two days

And everyone else above me.
#13
wow, you have a lot of crit on this piece. my two cents are going to sound like everyone else's, so instead, if you'd prefer, you could pm me a link when you post a new one. or I could crit this one, totally up to you

Cheers,
Edgar
#15
Quote by Jammydude44
Ahhh hometown life.

Critique for critique. Leave a link pretty please.

Enjoy


asked where he lived
by an annonymous forum goer
jay shouted in caps, for no reason
browntown
and the other guy was like
where's that?
down south
why's it brown?
you should see for yourself
but the other guy didn't come down in the end
probably heard the rumours
this is a great way to start this out

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

stepped out on the streets and looked left and right
'cos from either side could have been a flyin' knife
jay looked about for the boys who deal in punches take out the so its just for boys deal in punches
to the unsuspecting victims of our very own.. browntown
an advertsiment at the local tesco once asked for staff
with no criminal records or plans to release one
had to hire some eighty year old pensioner in the end
couldn't find any innocence in our very own..
this is good but i think its going to be hard to sing

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

we live life like a pack of cards and deal with what we've got
don't complain or ask for the rain to stop but that's what we all want
and the winter slush can't make men but we still play on outside
knee high in broken shards and syrignes of our very own.. browntown
second hand cars rock about the street dodging shops and kids
and the boozers being chucked out of the pubs stick up the Vs
in a place where you're cool if you can spit out a witty insult
and then turn your mate onto the grain found in our very own...
this is good, this one will be easy to sing

downtown browtown (strange oohing)
downtown browtown (strange oohing)

jay typed into the comment box
gotta get myself outta here
but no one came to help him
'cos they'd heard the rumours and
seen the stories of our town's life
"seen the stories of this towns life"

downtown
where the clipped scenes land
browntown
where ladies will give a hand
downtown
where muppets are the coppers
browntown
where young tykes take poppers
downtown
i like how you end it


this is good, its long too but good


Crit Mine?? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544519
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!
#16
seen the stories of our town's life
"seen the stories of this towns life"


Nope, my grammar was correct there

Cheers.

Critting all back now.