#1
i'll critique yours if you leave me a crit and your link. It's a little depressing but i think its more real than anything.


Sometimes these days get so long
And nothing seems to keep me alive
Is anything different these days?
What ever happened to that light in your eyes?

It’s been forever since I’ve seen the sun
But I just stay inside all day
I wanna take a plane ride somewhere quiet
Get somewhere far away

Nothing seems to be all that different
Days turn to nights and nights into days
I just can’t seem to get away
I’m surrounded by this hopeless haze

Oh I want to be the king of something
just give me anything
I guess I’ll just keep on driving
And maybe I’ll see you again

It’s always so cold
People go way but the weather stays
I’ve tried to stop myself
From going on with these wondering ways
Last edited by guitardan76 at Mar 13, 2007,
#2
Sometimes these days get so long
And nothing seems to keep me alive
Is anything different these days?
What ever happened to that light in your eyes?
a little really cliche, didn't grab my attention, work on that...

It’s been forever since I’ve seen the sun
But I just stay inside all day
I wanna take a plane ride somewhere quiet
Get somewhere far away
very vague, good idea but not enough detail...

Nothing seems to be all that different
Days turn to nights and nights into days
I just can’t seem to get away
I’m surrounded by this hopeless haze
the rhyming seems rather forced and the second line seems unnecessary...

Oh I want to be the king of something
Something other than terrible timing
I guess I’ll just keep on driving
And maybe I’ll see you again
I love this bit but that second line KILLS it because the rhyming kills it... but i love that first line...

It’s always so cold
People go way but the weather stays
I’ve tried to stop myself
From going on with these wondering ways
eh, well, a little weak, try to be more specific...

i dont really get what the message is, i mean i have some sort of vague idea but it could use a little more detail... i sense boredom mostly and i think you should elaborae on that rather than the depressing aspects of the piece...
pretty good though...
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#3
thanks. I did kind of force the rhyming in the 3rd stanza and i'll work on fixing the 4th so it doesn't kill :P

anyone else?
#6
not bad, i liked it, some rhyming problems but we all go thru that, and the message was pretty clear your depressed and u wana get away from everything thats makin u so depressed (tell me if im right), it flowed very nicely tho some rocky patches keep it up

CRIT MINE https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#7
thanks. and you're pretty much right about just getting away from stuff. I'll crit yours now.

anybody else?