#1
Here's some lyrics I penned down earlier. Tell me what you think please. If you critique it, I'll critique any of your stuff, just give me a link.

A life without a name
Who is there to blame
Some bullets and a gun
Taken like the sun
Another glass of gin
Who said its a sin
Heres some more lost hope
The long slippery slope
Wasting time at mass
There's something up my ass
The freedoms that I've lost
A coin that has been tossed
The picture on the wall
My busted pair of balls
Speaking in good taste
Old men eating paste
Kicked open doors
Five dollar a night who res
Smoking cheap cigars
Riding in cheap cars
Nothin left to lose
So much shit to use
A fight you cannot win
Just give a toothy grin
Some false information
Ruins a reputation
A needle and a spoon
And a full balloon
All the people found
Dead bodies underground
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
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-Takamine acoustic
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-SuperCrybaby
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Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
Last edited by mastercad at Mar 12, 2007,
#2
No one?
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#3
um some parts i was a little iffy on, but it flowed very nicely
and very good structure i got a lil confused what it is about but non the less it would still good
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#4
Thanks man. I'll crit your's right now.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#5
Any more?
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#6
Hi!
I like it. Cant really tell exactly what its about, but it`s got a cool sound, and flow. And even though I cant figure it out right now it seems as the song got a point.

Just to pick something I like the
"Heres some more lost hope The long slippery slope" part, wich I assume is about life.

I think the "Wasting time at mass There's something up my ass" line seems a bit weird. Maybe "Wasting time at mass Freedom up my ass" could be an alternative?
(If I understand the lyrics correctly) but then the
"The freedoms that I've lost A coin that has been tossed" line would have to be changed somehow maybe. And I kinda like that one.

Anyway overall I like it. It seems like the kinda lyrics were you can use your imagination to find meenings, and understand the story. Nice work.

some crits would be nice
#7
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it. I'll crit your right away.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#8
Hey Alb123,

Your link doesn't work. Do you have any other songs you want me to crit?
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#9
It's a cool concept i didn't really follow what you were writing about but it flowed nice and i liked most parts.
#10
i think there's too many different stanzas or whatever you want to call them...

i prefer more organized stuff but the content is good
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#11
this noone has given a full crit ill do one

Quote by mastercad
Here's some lyrics I penned down earlier. Tell me what you think please. If you critique it, I'll critique any of your stuff, just give me a link.
i divided it up into little stanzas/verses
A life without a name
Who is there to blame
Some bullets and a gun
Taken like the sun
there is not too much to crit on this
there is an overuse of rhymes for a rock song, this would be great if your planning on makeing this a rap


Another glass of gin
Who said its a sin
Heres some more lost hope
The long slippery slope
same thing as all the other parts of this, the lines dont flow, they just are forced but you forced them for the rhymes
Wasting time at mass
There's something up my ass
The freedoms that I've lost
A coin that has been tossed
first 2 lines dont go together, most of this sounds like it is forced

The picture on the wall
My busted pair of balls
Speaking in good taste
Old men eating paste
same
Kicked open doors
Five dollar a night who res
Smoking cheap cigars
Riding in cheap cars
same
Nothin left to lose
So much shit to use
A fight you cannot win
Just give a toothy grin
same
Some false information
Ruins a reputation
A needle and a spoon
And a full balloon
All the people found
Dead bodies underground

sorry i didnt do too good of a job, its kinda hard to becuase there is no structure, i like this though, it just sounds like a bunch of rhymes put together

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#12
Quote by mastercad

Wasting time at mass
There's something up my ass


... Eh?

Quote by mastercad

The picture on the wall
My busted pair of balls


Are you serious?! This doesn't seem to be a set of lyrics as much as random rhyming couplets with occasional homoerotic references scattered around!

I can see where you were trying to come from with this song, but it needs rewriting. Some good ideas, but the forced rhyme really makes it sound false. Try looking at songs like 'Double Talkin' Jive' by Guns N' Roses to get an idea of how to communicate this stuff.

Good luck, and I look forward to the rewrite.
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#13
I like it,
and first it seems like just a bunch of rhymes, but after a closer look
it's kinda deep.
Maybe not the balls and ass, but besides that it's cool
good job.
#14
I like it, it's nice, especially the structure of this text, it makes it really authentic.
#15
haha i actually like the weird lines like "There's something up my ass" and "old men eating paste." They made me laugh and its interesting to have something that adds in a little humor as random as it may seem. I feel like i almost catch on to what you're trying to get across but not completely. However i still like it despite that it causes a little confusion.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544686
#16
There are some interesting ideas in there, but the emphasis on the rhyming couplets is not only childish but completely destroys anything good about it. Get rid of all the unnecessary rhymes and get down to business, that's my advice.

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#18
this song is okay, the tow line rhyme scheme got pretty old pretty fast for me, i think if you added another line or had a better transition from rhymes it could have some potential
#19
A life without a name
Who is there to blame
You may want to elaborate on this. I don't quite understand what you mean here, and it gives the song a shaky start in my opinion. If you don't give it some sort of weight and immediate relevance, this line could really come off as forced rhyming or a filler line. Tie it in better.
Some bullets and a gun
Really vague. Really, really vague. I don't know, if that's what you're going for, but this line doesn't give us much. As cliche and bland guns already are in lyrics, something like this, in my opinion, is lyrical suicide. This definitely needs some more description, something to make it stand out. Right now, I haven't been presented with anything that really pops, if you know what I mean.
Taken like the sun
Another glass of gin
Who said its a sin
This is more like a rheotorical question, which is fine, but it really messes with the previous question you had that started with who. The tendency for a reader/listener is to connect those two lines, because they are similar in structure, but it doesn't quite work because they don't have the same purpose and are completely different, just coincidental repeat of the word 'who'. It gives it a messy feel to me. I'd revise one of the two, so you can avoid it. It may just be me, though.
Heres some more lost hope
The long slippery slope
Wasting time at mass
There's something up my ass
Okay, a bit randomn. You really need a better transition or tie in for this. Forced rhyming, perhaps?
The freedoms that I've lost
A coin that has been tossed
The picture on the wall
My busted pair of balls
Speaking in good taste
Old men eating paste
Kicked open doors
Everything up from here, I could not even remotely see how they were interelated or meant to amount to a meaning of anything. Could you please explain these lines or something?
Five dollar a night who res
Smoking cheap cigars
Riding in cheap cars
Nothin left to lose
Are you talking about yourself, the reader/listener, or the *****? It's a bit hard to tell, you frequently change the intended audience, per say. It's a bit confusing.
So much shit to use
A fight you cannot win
Just give a toothy grin
Some false information
Ruins a reputation
A needle and a spoon
And a full balloon
All the people found
Dead bodies underground
Don't really understand this ending. At. All.

Sorry.

Okay, one suggestion I have: Is there any possible way you could break this up into stanzas or something? A big wall of text is hard to read and breaks would make it easier to understand as well. I don't really see what you were going for here. It sounds to me like you started writing irrelevant, random lines that rhymed. If there is actual meaning and an undercurrent of an actual concept, please, make it more apparent. Otherwise, it could seriously confuse/turn off people. Maybe, I'm being dense. IDK, but please, if that's the case, explain this to me. I'd love to know what it means.

Other than that, you have a great writing style. This has some awesome writing potential. Keep up the good work.

Mind taking a look at mine? It's called Helter Jams. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#20
Thanks man. I'll crit that.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#21
Oh wow, this is old. Could you do me a fav and crit my newest one? It's on the front page. I'd appreciate it. Sorry to be a bother.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#22
um i think you just wanted something rythmy but thats cool but it really isnt a good thing to do most of the time but nice job!!
#23
Quote by Megtillica
um i think you just wanted something rythmy but thats cool but it really isnt a good thing to do most of the time but nice job!!


thanks
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?