#1
Hey everyone, this is my first post in this section. I'm a little uneasy about posting things I have written because of the whole plagurism thing. But whatever.

This is a song (or parts of a possible song) I wrote a couple of days ago, I was hoping that someone could help me put some structure to it. It's kind of all over the place. Thanks.


Who knew cloud nine would fall,
the way it is
these god dam ranks
building banks and breaking homes (as they go)

have another drink
better to stumble than to ball
catch this cramp
make it go away with a silver haze before the face ( a silver haze aint no adolescent phase)

live with creeps cause the cops cant stand to become common, infected with the cold

the way i live

driving away aint no good an innocent man misunderstood
#2
some of that is very... deep...
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#4
I liked it. Im not sure which part I liked the most. I think the last line flowed really well. As did the first stanza. I dont know whats with me but I always like swearing in songs. Makes them seem more intense I suppose.

Good Job.

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#5
Quote by Ibanezax372

Who knew cloud nine would fall,
the way it is
these god dam ranks
building banks and breaking homes (as they go)
This starts a little weak I believe. I dunno, something for about repeating a song's title so early. The last two lines pick it up some, but overall, you haven't established and strong imagery yet.

have another drink
better to stumble than to ball
catch this cramp
make it go away with a silver haze before the face ( a silver haze aint no adolescent phase)
Really dug this stanza. Very....bohemian hippy-ish, I dunno. The last line was great. This was almost kind of Radiohead-like

live with creeps cause the cops cant stand to become common, infected with the cold
Perfect.

the way i live

driving away aint no good an innocent man misunderstood

This last lines sort of weak and almost feels played out to an extent.


Hey man, don't fret. You have a solid first post here. The whole thing reminded me of Kill Taker-era Fugazi, which is a plus. I wish I could say more but I'm tired.
Poor advice.
#6
Quote by stellar_legs
This last lines sort of weak and almost feels played out to an extent.


Hey man, don't fret. You have a solid first post here. The whole thing reminded me of Kill Taker-era Fugazi, which is a plus. I wish I could say more but I'm tired.



Thank you, I greatly appreciate the help. I see that you post a lot of comments on lyrics, all of which are right on. You have good opinions. Are you a proffesional songwriter?
#8
pretty good i liked it, some parts didnt flow real well but thats prolly cause i didnt read it write, the structure and the meaning is pretty good and kinda deep keep it up


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#10
Quote by Ibanezax372
Hey everyone, this is my first post in this section. I'm a little uneasy about posting things I have written because of the whole plagurism thing. But whatever.

This is a song (or parts of a possible song) I wrote a couple of days ago, I was hoping that someone could help me put some structure to it. It's kind of all over the place. Thanks.


Who knew cloud nine would fall,
the way it is
these god dam ranks
building banks and breaking homes (as they go)
im not sure what the words in ( ) mean so im gonna assume your wondering if those should be there or not, for the first stanza/verse, for lines 2 and 3 switch them and take out god damn, " they ranks, the way {they are}" im not sure if thats what you are aiming for

have another drink
better to stumble than to ball
catch this cramp
make it go away with a silver haze before the face ( a silver haze aint no adolescent phase)for this stanza/verse i like the last line how it is. i dont think " a silver haze aint no adolescent phase" fits with the rest of the song/poem. i like the 2nd line, it kinda sounds like it rhymes. 3rd line "catch this cramp" instead of the word catch heres some more, capture, clasp, corral ( i think that fits), clench, secure... those are just a few, catch is too open, its not specific enough

live with creeps cause the cops cant stand to become common,first word, liven, flows better
infected with the cold"infected with the cold" ( like mold)?? its always good to have some similes

the way i liveits the way i live

driving away aint no good an innocent man misunderstood
the last 4 lines should be 1 stanza/verse i put it how i think it would flow better

livin with creeps cause the cops cant stand to become common
infected with a cold like mold
its the way i live
driving away aint no good
an innocent man (is) misunderstood




crit mine?? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8564041#post8564041
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Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

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#11
Quote by TeXaS_db
pretty good i liked it, some parts didnt flow real well but thats prolly cause i didnt read it write, the structure and the meaning is pretty good and kinda deep keep it up


CRIT MINE https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276

thats not a crit,
look at what me and stellar legs did
My Music
Quote by x_themetalfan_x
For a second I thought the title said "I swallowed my dick".

my gear:
fender stratocaster american deluxe SSS(s1)
G-DEC 30W amp
custom carrying case
jasmine by takamine acoustic
silvertone acoustic

AMAZING GUITAR SOLO!!!