#1
Something new-ish. Crit for crit, ya?


i wear the squalor of a faithless world
like a blue chip on my taxed shoulder.
with it's spinning aesthetics
i regret every step i tread beneath it.
i wear starry nights that water eyes,
rainy days and all the same i need
a break from all the sunlight.

I tore the transient liquid continents
from their ripply blue backdrop,
and peeled the oceans
from their salty seabeds until
I had the whole world,
in pieces, in my hands,
the springs and screws,
the clockwork, the quirks.

I grabbed the world by the axis
and i placed it right back on the shelf
because that was exactly where i'd found it.
Last edited by Ad*Astra at Mar 14, 2007,
#5
Quote by Ad*Astra
Something new-ish. Crit for crit, ya?


i wear the squalor of a faithless world
like a blue chip on my taxed shoulder.
with it's spinning aesthetics
i regret every step i tread beneath it.
i wear starry nights that water eyes,
rainy days and all the same i need
a break from all the sunlight.

the flow here is perfect. i liked most everything here my only complaint would be like 4. i liked line 3 but i think the nice lead up was let down with L4

I tore the transient liquid continents
from their ripply blue backdrop,
and peeled the oceans
from their salty seabeds until
I had the whole world,
in pieces, in my hands,
the springs and screws,
the clockwork, the quirks.

i like this all specially the end, i love the last 4 lines. but the 'ripply blue' seems like a pretty bland description compared to the writing level in the rest of the piece.

I grabbed the world by the axis
and i placed it right back on the shelf
because that was exactly where i'd found it.

awesome ending. not much to say



there are only a few things i would change here if any.
another great piece
8.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544744
theres my new piece
#6
i wear the squalor of a faithless world
like a blue chip on my taxed shoulder.
Great start.
with it's spinning aesthetics
i regret every step i tread beneath it.
Love the dissonance ( I thin kthats the term) here, with ..gret, step, tread. Really nice writing.
i wear starry nights that water eyes,
Imo this image is a bit awkwardly phrased.
rainy days and all the same i need
a break from all the sunlight.
yeah, I feel these last three lines are worded oddly, unless I'm just missing the point. I feel they could be reworded slightly.

I tore the transient liquid continents
from their ripply blue backdrop,
and peeled the oceans
I feel this last line is too short. I suggest moving the "from" to this line from the line below.
from their salty seabeds until
I had the whole world,
in pieces, in my hands,
the springs and screws,
the clockwork, the quirks.
Overfussy punctuation. Bar that, great imo.

I grabbed the world by the axis
and i placed it right back on the shelf
because that was exactly where i'd found it.
Nice. Maybe this could have slightly better diction in this ending, I feel the "and I" was awkward and in the end made this part feel rushed. But that could just be me.

Solid, solid stuff again. Hope you stick around
#7
Thanks you both, I'll see what I can do with revising some lines. This piece is meant to be read through, so there aren't necessarily any pauses at line breaks or commas, so moving words to different lines or altering punctuation wouldn't affect the sound. And Jammy, that's assonance. Dissonance is when words sound harsh together.
#8
Heya. Sorry it took a while but I've been fairly busy this week.


i wear the squalor of a faithless world
like a blue chip on my taxed shoulder.
with it's spinning aesthetics
i regret every step i tread beneath it.
i wear starry nights that water eyes,
rainy days and all the same i need
a break from all the sunlight.

All the same what? I might have missed out on something here. Also, I would put "I need" in the last line. It would disrupt the flow, but making the last line longer is not catastrophic imo.


I tore the transient liquid continents
from their ripply blue backdrop,
and peeled the oceans
from their salty seabeds until
I had the whole world,
in pieces, in my hands,
the springs and screws,
the clockwork, the quirks.

I love that. I've really been into that kind of writing as of late. I'm directing a movie right now that explains the creation on the world too, and it's exactly what the French piece you've been commenting on was about. Actually, take off the character you have here and we kind of say the same thing here. Interesting stuff.

I grabbed the world by the axis
and i placed it right back on the shelf
because that was exactly where i'd found it.

Clumsily worded indeed. I'd say "I grabbed the world by it's axis" , instead of "the".As for your last lines I'd try
"and I placed it back on the (adjective) shelf
Because that's exactly
Where I found it in the first place"

or something like that. I don't know.



Anyhow, that was quite a good piece, as were the other ones I've read from you since you started posting here more often. Please stick around

-Mathieu
#9
I tore the transient liquid continents
from their ripply blue backdrop,

those were the only two lines i didn't like.
everything else was a very enjoyable read.

I just want to sleep forever.


#10
I actually considered changing it to "its axis" when I'd first posted this but I just blew it off, but since you noticed it too I think I may work on that last bit some more. Sank yewwwww both.