#1
I died.
Swiftly swaying across songs in your head,
the sonnet or the couplet that never stays away.
I cried.
Never knowing you stared in the mirror,
The handheld or the fullsets that never goes astray.
I felt.
Worse then wonder on a Sunday morning,
The priest or the father who never doubt the faith.
I dealt.
Dealing death more then nicotine in
The teenager or the grandpa’s diligent lungs.
I taught.
Teaching nothing if I’m whisked away from
The memories or the picture’s captioned time.
I’m gone.


i have no idea how that went.
#2
I died.
Swiftly swaying across songs in your head,
the sonnet or the couplet that never stays away.
mmm. Undecided on this Mike. Nice alliteration in the second line. The thrid- well, it's nice. Not great imo but it's nice and it's a nice thought.
I cried.
It might fit the piece but I feel you can do so much better than this, both with the rhyme and the word cried. I think this needs some spicing up.
Never knowing you stared in the mirror,
The handheld or the fullsets that never goes astray.
go or goes astray? I don't know, just bringing up the point, I thought "go" should've been used.. idk. Agai, I like the first line here but not so much the second. Probably 'cos I don't know what you're on about there with handheld and fullsets, americanisms?
I felt.
Worse then wonder on a Sunday morning,
than, not then. I think.
The priest or the father who never doubt the faith.
Eh I disagree with tis line. I thin kthey do doubt faith sometimes. I think everyone does.
I dealt.
Dealing death more then nicotine in
The teenager or the grandpa’s diligent lungs.
Eh, really I feel this is subpar from you so far.
I taught.
Teaching nothing if I’m whisked away from
The memories or the picture’s captioned time.
I’m gone.
Okay, my thoughts on this piece are kind of like this:

I feel this is a deep piece, as usual from you,and it has the basis of some good images in it, but I feel like this is lacking oomph and excitement, that extra juice. For me this was very bland for you, I was waiting for something to excite me but it never came. Personally Mike, I think you should use the ideas here and try for a more eciting approach to this, The "I dies etc" lines for me were boring 'til the last one, and really I feel you can do better than this.

If you could, I 'd appreciate a critique to the one in my sig. Thanks if you can man
#3
Jamie you pre much always crit my pieces and i realize i use nicotone/ cigs in nearly all of mine lately. Lol, cigarettes are a think im pre much constantly thinking about right now, tis very person all to me because im trying to quit and having a hell of a time doing it. Anyways yeah ill get to yours.
#4
Quote by TrigFunction
Jamie you pre much always crit my pieces and i realize i use nicotone/ cigs in nearly all of mine lately. Lol, cigarettes are a think im pre much constantly thinking about right now, tis very person all to me because im trying to quit and having a hell of a time doing it. Anyways yeah ill get to yours.


Yeah cigs are the standard in most of your work, I don't really have a problem as I think they can be used as a good image and metaphor, even for non-smokers.

Thanks if you can get to mine, it needs it, my pieces are sinking fast
#5
Quote by TrigFunction
I died.
Swiftly swaying across songs in your head,
the sonnet or the couplet that never stays away.
I cried.

loved this. its a great start

Never knowing you stared in the mirror,
The handheld or the fullsets that never goes astray.
I felt.
Worse then wonder on a Sunday morning,
The priest or the father who never doubt the faith.
I dealt.

awesome. i love the lead ins. the 2L here is decent but failed to really blow me away like everything else has so far.

Dealing death more then nicotine in
The teenager or the grandpa’s diligent lungs.
I taught.
Teaching nothing if I’m whisked away from
The memories or the picture’s captioned time.
I’m gone.



L1 and L2 are a little blah. kind of a little cliche for the rest of this. the last 3 lines are perfect.
i have no idea how that went.


sorry i had really nothing to say, this was a nearly perfect piece.
9/10
let me know when you psot another i really like your writing

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544744
if you have time theres my new one. you dont have to say really anything at all just if you liked it or whatever