#1
Hey guys, check this out, tell me what you like/don't like/what I can improve on. Thanks in advance

Title: "Administrator"

[VERSE ONE]
say... this ocean swore to swallow up us both,
so will you swim with me, together we will make it to the sharpest rocks, and shore,
so say... you beg of me to help you save your pitied soul,
but i am fresh out of my knightly strength and shine, and armour,

[PRE CHORUS]
they say this fight's been lost a thousand times before,
there's not much left here to defend, and we should just lock our doors,
and walk away,
and walk away,

[VERSE TWO]
this... is the part where i realize that what i am and,
what i should be are two completely different things,
and this... is the night i find myself wide awake,
and watching over the ghastly stranger lying next to me,

[PRE CHORUS]
they say this fight's been lost a thousand times before,
there's not much left here to defend, and we should lock our doors...

[HALF CHORUS]
we crawl and try to understand,
you cling to me like you would to your life,
tonight the alcohol in my bloodstream will,
make me scared to disappoint you,
(we walk away,
we walk away)

[THIRD VERSE]
this wave you're on will crush you, it will fall upon,
every insincere comment that you let slip,
and when the anesthetics wear off, you might find yourself better off,
in dark rooms craving sleep,

[CHROUS]
we crawl and try to understand,
you cling to me like you would to your life,
tonight the alcohol in my bloodstream will,
make me scared to disappoint you,
we crawl and try to understand,
you cling to me like you would to your life,
tonight the alcohol in my bloodstream will,
make me scared to disappoint you,

[OUTRO] [chorus in background, octave down, almost whispering]
the moon's her star,
the telephone's her messenger,
she lives inside our heads,
and never leaves,
another pretty face,
dictates a lengthy serenade,
with notes all crumbled up,
we'll never walk away,

the moon's her star,
the telephone's her messenger,
she lives inside our heads,
and never leaves,
another pretty face,
dictates a lengthy serenade,
with notes all crumbled up,
we'll never walk away,

we never walk away,
we never walk away,
we never walk away,
we never...
Last edited by shamu1001 at Jun 14, 2007,
#2
Quote by shamu1001


[VERSE ONE]
say... this ocean swore to swallow up us both,
so will you swim with me, together we will make it to the sharpest rocks, and shore,
so say... you beg of me to help you save your pitied soul,
but i am fresh out of my knightly strength and shine, and armour,

Like you said with mine, hooray for Brand New references, and I must say the same thing for you. This part reminds me alot of Play Crack The Sky, in a good way. The 2nd line made it so much better.

[PRE CHORUS]
they say this fight's been lost a thousand times before,
there's not much left here to defend, and we should just lock our doors,
and walk away,
and walk away,

This seemed kinda empty to me, but that's probably the way it sohuld sound, for a pre-chorus and all. I thought maybe you could add another short line before "and walk away," just to fill it up better. More Brand New in the first line I see :P:.

[VERSE TWO]
this... is the part where i realize that what i am and,
what i should be are two completely different things,
and this... is the night i find myself wide awake,
and watching over the ghastly stranger lying next to me,


This is all well and good, no real suggestions here.

[PRE CHORUS]
they say this fight's been lost a thousand times before,
there's not much left here to defend, and we should lock our doors...

[HALF CHORUS]
we crawl and try to understand,
you cling to me like you would to your life,
tonight the alcohol in my bloodstream will,
make me scared to disappoint you,
(we walk away,
we walk away)

This part I can relate to, a ton, this is spectacular. This is like the story of my Friday night right here. I especially like the last line. It gives it kind of a "Jesus Christ" feeling to it.

[THIRD VERSE]
this wave you're on will crush you, it will fall upon,
every insincere comment that you let slip,
and when the anesthetics wear off, you might find yourself better off,
in dark rooms craving sleep,

Man, this reminds me of Play Crack The Sky to, especially that 1st line. It's got that seashore feel to it.

[CHROUS]
we crawl and try to understand,
you cling to me like you would to your life,
tonight the alcohol in my bloodstream will,
make me scared to disappoint you,
we crawl and try to understand,
you cling to me like you would to your life,
tonight the alcohol in my bloodstream will,
make me scared to disappoint you,

[OUTRO] [chorus in background, octave down, almost whispering]
the moon's her star,
the telephone's her messenger,
she lives inside our heads,
and never leaves,
another pretty face,
dictates a lengthy serenade,
with notes all crumbled up,
we'll never walk away,


Finally, the full chorus, this should be good. First of all, it reminds me ALOT of "I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light." I like the serenade line, it gives it a nice feeling of "I don't really care what you think." God this is nice.

the moon's her star,
the telephone's her messenger,
she lives inside our heads,
and never leaves,
another pretty face,
dictates a lengthy serenade,
with notes all crumbled up,
we'll never walk away,

we never walk away,
we never walk away,
we never walk away,
we never...


Damn, nice work for sure. I can see the Brand New in you haha. I think the "half-chorus" thing might be a little useless though. Try to make it a little longer, and more memorable. Still, 8/10 for you. Thanks for critting mine.


P.S: I'm watching a live vid of Soco Amaretto Lime
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#3
Quote by calvinthecanadi
Damn, nice work for sure. I can see the Brand New in you haha. I think the "half-chorus" thing might be a little useless though. Try to make it a little longer, and more memorable. Still, 8/10 for you. Thanks for critting mine.


P.S: I'm watching a live vid of Soco Amaretto Lime


Hey, thanks for a great crit. Yeaah a lot of Brand New in my life haha. Aside from Pink Floyd and Radiohead, they are definitely my favorite band. This song has a slow kind of start, but then speeds up a little, especially for the chorus, and gets much darker towards the end. That was the idea anyway. Still a work in progress, but glad you liked it. And I think I've seen that video, good stuff. Brand New's live versions are always so different from their recorded stuff.
Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.