#1
alright, so this is my first time trying to write something meaningful. i've sat down for awhile and i got this junk. problem is, i don't know whether it reads nice, it should be in 2 different songs or something.

i would basically like opinions as to whether i suck and what i can do before i continue.


----------------------------------------

i don't need to know you,
i already do.
just one of your friends,
but you don't have a clue.
cause when i look at you
and you're smiling at me,
i can help but to feel sad and blue,
cause i'm hopelessly in love with you.

cause it's torture,
when you're by my side
but it's heaven,
when i look in your eyes
you're here beside me,
you're also planets away.
and i'm never gonna be okay
when you don't feel the same way.

-----------------------------------

anything is appreciated. thanks.

edit:

sorry mod. didn't read the faq...
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#2
Quote by mukkey


i don't need to know you,
i already do.
just one of your friends,
but you don't have a clue.
cause when i look at you
and you're smiling at me,
i can help but to feel sad and blue,
cause i'm hopelessly in love with you. try considering changing hopelessly for something with less syllables, it might flow better
I like this stanza, the rhyming scheme's not standard, and it works. Check out the flow though, some of the syllable counts are a bit off. Also it may be a bit cliche, but it gets the feeling accross well.

cause it's torture,
when you're by my side
but it's heaven,
when i look in your eyes
you're here beside me,
you're also planets away. I'd change this to a distance, perhaps lightyears? also, try removing the also. it's not needed, and messes up the flow
and i'm never gonna be okay
when you don't feel the same way.
Again, check out the comment on flow. But all in all a good piece. I especially like the first half of this stanza.



If you have time, could you crit mine? link's in the sig.
Quote by StaggHound
That's the problem with kids today. No upper body strength.
Back in my day, when you smashed a guitar, it stayed smashed.


Cunning Pikes

The one and only member of the Cunning Pike Club.