#1
This is my first post ever, and this is a song my band has been working on, any comments and suggestions are great.

Verse1
Toung-tied and out of my head, im waiting
For you to show me things I have not seen before
Your old news but I can’t throw away your issue
You’ve got me gripping for your pages on the floor

Chorus
One last breath
Untill were pushed head first
with hands tied behind both our backs
into things i don't belive in
Drowning in the deep end demise

Verse 2
Sinking faster so don’t hold your breath (don’t hold your breath)
our hearts beat softer now as we both confess.
Waves collide, tear us apart just like old times,
but believe me that this is for the best.

Chorus
One last breath
Untill were pushed head first
with hands tied behind both our backs
into things i don't belive in
Drowning in the deep end demise x2

There it is, any thoughts and suggestions are welcome and thanks for reading.
#2
the verses were good the chorus i was a little iffy on, i know you dont have to rhyme , but it kinda makes it a little catchy, buts still pretty good for your first, keep it up
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
CRIT MINE
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
Last edited by TeXaS_db at Mar 13, 2007,
#3
ummmm its ok,not a samsh hit but id prolly listen to it,,,,, wat was ur inspiration to write this?
#4
well im not sure i sort of jsut thought of a line then added on and went with the theme of the lines. it could get better with some fine tuning tho
#5
Nice song. The flow and wording were great. To me, the lyrically point was similar to Try Not To Breathe by R.E.M. . Crit mine if you got time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543934
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#6
Thanks for the comment, and i've never heard that song before i'll give it a listen.