#1
me and a friend wrote somekind of a "song" during class,
it could use some work, but we would like to get some advice and say what you think
( sorry for bad english..)

edit: i added the newer version of the song, is it better or not? is it even shittier?
tell what you think

very first:
They make you listen to their ideals
luring you into their group
Is this the way you feel
Or are you just indifferent
Ask yourself the question
are these ideals worth living for
Or would you rather ignore


They don't have the answer
there are other paths to walk
Don't believe their idiotic talk
And make up your own mind


Time will come for you to choose
Choose what's good for you
and don't just go with the flow

Choose your own path
Choose your own life
Because one day
you won't be able to retreat
and repeat


They don't have the answer
there are other paths to walk
Don't believe their idiotic talk
And make up your own mind

a little bit different now;

They make you listen to their ideals,
luring you into their group.
Is this the way you feel,
Or are you just indifferent?
Ask yourself the question,
are these ideals worth living for?.
It seems like you don't care anymore

They don't have the answer,
there are other paths to walk.
Don't believe their idiotic talk.
And make up your own mind.


Time will come for you to choose.
Choose what's good for you
and don't just go with the flow.

Choose your own path;
Choose your own life,
Because one day,
you won't be able to retreat
and repeat.


They don't have the answer,
there are other paths to walk.
Don't believe their idiotic talk.
And make up your own mind.


Would you rather
be a mindless clone
Follow and die, like all the other
you'll be nothing more than
Another slave kneeling for their throne

It's time you realise that

They don't have the answer,
there are other paths to walk.
Don't believe their idiotic talk.
And make up your own mind.


wich one is better?
Last edited by KotsPis at Mar 16, 2007,
#2
It was alright. I think you should work on changing up the terminology for things alittle bit. Like, sometimes instead of saying values say morals or something of that sort. Besides that, great concept in general. If you have time, crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=543934
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?
#3
i think its a little too passive and by that i mean aybe you could be either a little more accusatory or maybe a little more angry, rant a little more...
i mean yes its a very good concept but its not very effective becase its very simple...

could you imagine doing the opposite? like maybe telling the viewer to be a follower, a little reverse pshycology?

pretty good
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#5
Quote by KotsPis

They make you listen to their ideals,
luring you into their group.
Is this the way you feel,
Or are you just indifferent?
Ask yourself the question,
are these ideals worth living for?
Or would you rather ignore. <--- this seems kind of force but it's not bad
I think this is a great start. It really sets up the song nicely.



They don't have the answer,
there are other paths to walk.
Don't believe their idiotic talk.
And make up your own mind.


Time will come for you to choose.
Choose what's good for you
and don't just go with the flow.

Choose your own path;
Choose your own life,
Because one day,
you won't be able to retreat
and repeat.


They don't have the answer,
there are other paths to walk.
Don't believe their idiotic talk.
And make up your own mind.
I think it's good it has a common theme, but also has variation so it doesn;t get boring. Just expand on it some and it'll be real good.


keep up the writing
#6
thanks man
i'll try and work on it.
and besides that, i'm actually a little bit proud of myself because most of the times my texts resemble shit on a wet floor
i wish all my texts were this good
thanx.
#7
i really like that song, i think it could be way better if you added a little more depth though
#8
Quote by x_thurston_x
i think its a little too passive and by that i mean aybe you could be either a little more accusatory or maybe a little more angry, rant a little more...
i mean yes its a very good concept but its not very effective becase its very simple...

could you imagine doing the opposite? like maybe telling the viewer to be a follower, a little reverse pshycology?

pretty good



i agree i think some reverse pshcology would be a cool idea. As for the song its good. A simple message and easy to understand.
#9
thanks, i"ll try and work on it
i'll post it when i'm ready, tell me if you like it better.
#10
What kind of music are you playing? Rock, pop or...?

Other than that, the three liner kinda sticks out a bit, it would really depend on the melody of the song itself, of course, but I would still recommend thinking about that.

Also, you use some words quite frequently, and especially the way you end one line with the word choose, then start the next line with the same word. Again, this can build up some momentum depending on how fast you do it, but still, you may want to think about that.

Other than that it seems good.
#11
we play (more agressive) punk, with some fast singing

thanx. I'll work on the words a bit.