#1
I have been keeping my poems to myself lately, but the simple fact is, I really like this one, and wanted to share it.

EDIT: and this is very much my 'old' style...with complete sentences and not much subtext beyond what i explicitly say...kind of imagist i guess? I'm trying to branch out but i'm in love with this style of poetry.

The Guardia Civil

The Spanish Civil Guard
    Came onto the bus as Peru and I
Were in transit from
    A sleepy fishing town of Socialists
    To a quiet mountain town of Separatists
    
I was
    Frightened at their mere appearance, but
    Peru who has grown up in this place
    seemed unconcerned.
    
We arrived at his Grandfather's house and I
    Helped them to mend a boat that
    Looked like it hadn't seen a shore in thirty years.
    
Life goes on, I guess
Even with the Guardia Civil.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Mar 13, 2007,
#3
Well come on, let me get a few more responses before I tell what it's about to me...

What did you take from it?
#4
I don't want style/mechanics crits...unless something really irks you. But the poem is written how I want, and I'm not changing style.

Instead, please tell me what you got out of the piece, what it meant to you.

Matt, Simba, and possibly Corey...you guys owe me.
#5
Simba? haha, my name's Edgar.

The Spanish Civil Guard
Came onto the bus as Peru and I
Were in transit from
A sleepy fishing town of Socialists
To a quiet mountain town of Separatists

I was
Frightened at their mere appearance, but
Peru who has grown up in this place<-- I thought at first that you had personified a country here and I was looking to see if you carried it through the piece, but now I'm not so sure..
seemed unconcerned.

We arrived at his Grandfather's house and I
Helped them to mend a boat that
Looked like it hadn't seen a shore in thirty years. <-- "hadn't seen a shore"? as in, it's been in the water for thirty years, or it's been out of the water for thirty years?

Life goes on, I guess
Even with the Guardia Civil.

It's very good, well written and there's only one or two points I would clarify a bit. This one looks very publishable to me, pienso.

-Edgar
#6
Hmm, with all the war/dictatorship stuff floating around in art these days, I'm kinda surprised you just left it pretty shallow and didn't really try to relate the past to the present. Actually (now that I think about it) I'm kinda glad you didn't go out of your way to do it because that might have ruined this piece. I liked it. I don't really have much to say about it. It's simple and solid and works. Maybe not perfect, but it works.

Rock On
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#7
you'll always be Simba to me, breh.

I hadn't thought of the boat line as having that double meaning before. I may have to fix it to show that it has been landlocked for the thirty years.

And as for 'place'
that was ambiguous on purpose.

Thanks for the kind words, Simba.
#8
Personally, I thought the line about the shore was fine. I guess you could easily change it to "hadn't left the shore" or "hadn't seen an ocean" easily, but I don't think it needs the change.

Rock On
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Short Stories:
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#9
I love it for its simplicity, and that the mere mention of The Guardia Civil adds a depth to the piece, yet the characters keep it on a personal level. I'm not really a fan of the structure though, It seems needless. The peice is good enough without it.

It means little to me, but I get alot from the characters, so it more than makes up for it. Nice stuff man.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
change "to mend" to just "mend".

i owe you a couple of crits i think,
and i feel really bad that i can't find
anything else wrong with this, but
it was a really good piece, i thought.
i couldn't really find anything wrong.

I just want to sleep forever.


#14
I dunno, but what I get from it is: The need to escape from oppression, yet not having a clear-cut way to do so.
#15
Alright, I'll try my best. I'm slightly busy doing homework but I'll keep editing this as a break from all that nonsense.

The Guardia Civil
These guys were the guys who helped the Spanish rulers oppress their people for a few hundred years, and are seen as symbols of that oppression, even though they're relatively straight now, if I'm not mistaken. I'll keep it in mind.

The Spanish Civil Guard
Came onto the bus as Peru and I
Peru is an interesting name choice. Peru used to be part of the Spanish empire, correct?
Were in transit from
A sleepy fishing town of Socialists
To a quiet mountain town of Separatists
I'm assuming that by Socialists you're referring to the Peruvians, or whatever, who are succumbing to the rule of some dictatorship, due to your contrast with Separatists and usage of the Guardia Civil in the title. It might be Spanish, but that just might be a better hint into it. I'm sure there's more to it, so I'll keep tearing at this... however, I have to stop here; I'll edit more into this post soon.

I was
Frightened at their mere appearance, but
Peru who has grown up in this place
Wouldn't it be "had"?
seemed unconcerned.
The meaning of the poem seems to be shaping up here. I'm starting to feel a comment about differing point of views, how while some people would fear an oppressive rule, for others it's just a way of life. However I think you're portraying Spain as just an example of this, and not the grander meaning of the poem and the metaphor. It's an excellent example.

We arrived at his Grandfather's house and I
Helped them to mend a boat that
Looked like it hadn't seen a shore in thirty years.
I just want to make sure I mention that I really enjoy the style here. It's effective, and reminds me of how I strive to write. I love complete, simple, straightforward sentences, as I'm sure you've gathered. For some reason though, the structure of this makes it seem so much more... mature, I guess, for lack of a better word. This seems to reiterate the point I mentioned from the previous paragraph, as how life goes on, despite the circumstances, what may seem horrible or absurd to me is just life to you. I may be off base here, but interpretations are what you make of them. I'm curious as to why you chose Grandfather though, maybe to drive home just how mundane even the most frightening situations can be, even for generations.

Life goes on, I guess
I liked the "I guess". It shows that you still cannot cope with the fact that they're different, which accurately reflects how you'd expect somebody in your situation to act. It made it even more real I suppose.
Even with the Guardia Civil.
And the Guardia Civil. They were once oppressors, but now they're just a normal organization. Is that why you used them as the example?

So yeah, I guess that's what I thought it meant. I'd love for you to PM me and tell me what it meant to you, hearing people's interpretations is one of my favorite things about poetry. Please do.

Excellent, excellent poem.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Mar 20, 2007,
#16
I love this. To me it seems like just a beautiful story. The most I can take from it is something as cliche as "life continues, even under oppression." I'm no good at deciphering pieces.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.