#1
A few words to mark the occasion..

Dissonance

I caress your neck, silky and warm, and I see
the strings between the cans: six taught, humming
wires bridge the bleak chasm between us but I fret
the tension is too much for the quivering cables
to endure, and I am sure that as I traverse,
one of them will snap, echoing our departure.
#2
OMG! Did you break a string?!?!?! just kidding, it was kinda cool, but short, but there's nothing really wrong with that.
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#4
Dissonance

I caress Present tense, eh? It's a mean feat to write a poem in present tense IMO...the immediacy of the verbs can easily contradict a poem that is reflective or memory-driven. Well let's see if you can keep it under control... your neck, silky and warm, and I see
the strings between the cans: six taught I think you mean 'taut', humming
wires bridge the bleak chasm between us but I fret LOL nice pun.
the tension is too much for the quivering cables Love this enjambment.
to endure, and I am sure that as I traverse,I don't like 'traverse' without an object. Would 'traverse them' ruin it for you?
one of them will snap, echoing our departure.Departure is sort of too vague a noun IMO.


Overall I'm impressed, I like the double meaning you put in there with the guitar. I'm getting that the guitar is playing the role of communication in your relationship like a can on a string for a six-year-old would...but you fear that it's too facile and insubstantial a medium, and that it may soon lose its potency. I had a few quibbles with your word choices and whatnot but over all this was clever and heartfelt. Nicely done. I think you held up the present tense nicely since it all had to do with the confusion and doubt in a specific moment.

Check mine? It's down yonder, and it has an arrow next to it.
#6
nice explanation truly!! you analyzed it a lot better than I could have. You're absolutely right on more than one point. I'll fix it up a bit. : )
#7
Dissonance

I caress your neck, silky and warm, and I see
No problems here.
the strings between the cans: six taught, humming
Isn't it "taut"? humming is meh for me, I would like to see you expand on the vibrations and sound.
wires bridge the bleak chasm between us but I fret
Nice pun hehe. Not a fan of "bleak" here, imo this was a poor word choice. I think the last line needs a comma? Or some sort of punctuation.
the tension is too much for the quivering cables
to endure, and I am sure that as I traverse,
one of them will snap, echoing our departure.
Nice, though I would like to see this end expanded and a bit more detailed, just seems to... unfocused imo. Also I thin kthi might need breakin gup abit, I thin in this piece you need at least one full stop; maybe htink about splitting into 2 stanzas?

Nice little piece Edgat. Keep on rollin
#8
I loved the world play throughout. "I fret" made my chuckle. My only complaint is that I think it could be longer. What you have here is very good, but I'm not sure that the picture it paints is completed yet. Maybe I'm wrong, but I would love to see a second stanza of this. Good work.

Links in the sig if you get a chance.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary