#1
A big write here, kind of expansive, but I wanted to keep it simple. I really love this one a lot, and it touches home. It's easily grasped but there's a lot of meaning here, especially in the first few lines. I really hope you enjoy this one.

Crit-4-crit, just leave a link.



Wabble Wabble Wobble Wobble

They are such surrogate Pac-men
marching shoe string lines
through bonne bouche tunnels.
Betty and Blue.
A quaint existence without
pixels to eat. A digital
meaninglessness where children
bleed vagrant epithets and
mothers paint pastel epitaphs.
A ghost for each tense of time,
the lowly rents engage in a turbine
exchange where two planes become
one and a half. The cicadas from the
copse four miles away have eaten their way through
her walls; Betty and Blue, are subject
to the feasting of bugs to survive.

Betty's ardent spring grows like moss,
cordial cherries covered green like
the tail of analog comets sneering
through space and glowing with pesticide.
Her tote bag has ink
spilt on it and the black blossoms
extend like veins.
Blue has headaches from the weight
of a leering pregnancy,
he wants death, he wants abortion,
he wants ejection into space, the umbilical
cord to be cut from his suit and to drown into
the vastness of an empty pillowcase.

A harp plays in the back of their minds;
"Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly is sooner than we think."
They embraced in the dark of an alley,
behind the abortion clinic outside their town.
The sky was laced with pinks, and they just
stood there,
Holding
Hands.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 13, 2007,
#2
Quote by Something_Vague
A digital
meaninglessness where children
bleed vagrant epithets and
mothers paint pastel epitaphs.


A ghost for each tense of time,
the lowly rents engage in a turbine
exchange where two planes become
one and a half.


That first part was not good for me. I don't like clinical words like "digital" and "analog" in poetry, and I couldn't understand why you were using them here. Then it felt like you dipped into pointless verbiage, and started adjectivizing nouns ("vagrant epithets"?) which can admittedly be cool, but wasn't here.

The second part was absolutely stunning. The first line caught me totally offguard, and it was such a loaded thought that it stuck me there for 5 or 6 reads and good minute of pondering. Then the euphemism for the planes crashing into each other read beautifully and was very very creative.

Just a few thoughts, I guess. If mine falls to the second page I'd appreciate if you could find the time to do the same. Just tell me it's cute again, if you must.

#3
You mis-spelled 'miraculous'. Also, the title is over-long and sounds more than a little pretentious

I thought that some of the ideas were good, but need a little reworking to be more effective. The last stanza was absolutely superb, very poetic and very desolate. I liked the idea of 'the vastness of an empty pillowcase' as well. Good stuff.

Some excellent ideas, but needs a little bit of refining to make it a really solid piece of work.
Encore God & Asomodai- UG JHS Brotherhood

Encore God: fighting UG Zeppelin-centrism since 2002.
#4
thanks I want the title to change but it is too late, if a mod comes by, change it to what I have in the thread.

and again thanks.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5

Wabble Wabble Wobble Wobble

They are such surrogate Pac-men
marching shoe string lines
through bonne bouche tunnels.
Betty and Blue.
A quaint existence without
pixels to eat. A digital
meaninglessness where children
bleed vagrant epithets and
mothers paint pastel epitaphs.
A ghost for each tense of time,
the lowly rents engage in a turbine
exchange where two planes become
one and a half. The cicadas from the
copse four miles away have eaten their way through
her walls; Betty and Blue, are subject
to the feasting of bugs to survive.

Haha, I thought that would be cool if you could somewhat relate more the ghost line to the pac-man metaphor. Maybe it would make it sound more childish, but I think it'd be awesome. On a more serious note, you had some impressive alliteration in there, but I felt like you sacrificed
meaning for phonetics at some points. "Pastel" does sound good in the alliteration and all, but I think it fails to add as much as it could to the piece. Also, I thought the third to last line flowed really badly, Maybe split it up or try messing around with different line breaks, because it really does not fit as it is now. However, the planes line is indeed amazing.


Betty's ardent spring grows like moss,
cordial cherries covered green like
the tail of analog comets sneering
through space and glowing with pesticide.
Her tote bag has ink
spilt on it and the black blossoms
extend like veins.
Blue has headaches from the weight
of a leering pregnancy,
he wants death, he wants abortion,
he wants ejection into space, the umbilical
cord to be cut from his suit and to drown into
the vastness of an empty pillowcase.

I don't like the use of cordial here, for the same reasons as stated in my critique of the first paragraph. My main complaints for this paragraph is that Betty's description ends somewhat abruptly. The line falls kind of short in matters of length and meaning. Also, in Blue's description, I think you list too much pregnancy-related words, and since it's not a metaphor it's getting kind of repetitive. You should put this in a more subtle way and do clever references to it.

A harp plays in the back of their minds;
"Suddenly, suddenly, suddenly is sooner than we think."
They embraced in the dark of an alley,
behind the abortion clinic outside their town.
The sky was laced with pinks, and they just
stood there,
Holding
Hands.

Cool ellipse here. I think you should insert at least another word linked to the harp, because as it is now it kind of stands out. This is a huge change in tone and voice, but I relate it to the different state of mind that the characters are in, so it works, at least for me. The last line breaks were very kyle-ish, I think you should put "holding hands" in the same line.

Also, I think the first paragraph doesn't set up the storyline as clearly as it could. Keep them very subtle, but I would suggest to give more clues, maybe related to birth, pregnancy, well, the main theme of the poem. Could be interesting to then contrast it with the emptiness you then put them in. Like. They're alone but. Aborted. Yeah. anyways, it's getting late.


So that was an excellent piece Matt, and I haven't told you that many times. I really did enjoy reading it. It was filled with beautiful writing, while being accessible and generating thoughts. Definitely one of the few I liked the most from you. So overall, nice piece to come back with (not sure if this is your first, well it's the first I read), I'll look for more in that style. So please keep 'em coming.

On a side note, I did like you once suggested and posted up a piece in French. You'd be nice if you could get to it. It's located there : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8523438#post8523438 .

Thanks,
Take care,
-Mathieu
Last edited by circular.parade at Mar 14, 2007,