#1
hi, i havent written anything lately, i wasnt in the mood at all, but now im back in the mood, and wrote somthing i think is decent enough to post. i dont have the ending yet, but ill be working on that soon. crit for crit, leave a link. thanks. any ideas for a title is welcomed

Theres a minuscule hole in my wall;
a cyclops left adrift
in the circular motions
of the blue paint streak waves
covering my room with the seven oceans.
They are trying to stomp imagination
completely from my mind,
and ignore its tempting stories.
Though soon to be tarnished,
it will never truly go away
for i am lost in the vision of,
the sweeping doses of,
aspersion,hypocrisy,adulterine
mixing ghastly to create
an assorted blur of deep darkness,
with wisps of routine figures
revolving mysteriously.
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Mar 15, 2007,
#2
not bad, but i didnt make sense to me really, but maybe cause i wasnt reading it right ,and to many big and fancy words, keep it up, u may have something


CRIT MINE https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544276
My Music
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Gibson ES-335
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Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
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Danelectro Daddy-O
#3
its ok, i didnt really expect anybody to get it.one thing that might help is that one stupid rhyme ive heard before
"theres a hole in the wall and somebody saw it all"
i didnt really use and fancy words except 3,aspersion,hypocrisy,adulterine. and those arnt to hard to figure out. thx for the crit tho, ill get to urs wen i can
#4
Okay there's some phrasing in here that made me chuckle because it just didn't fit, but I'll point those out. My main complain tis that your pieces feel so forced and unnaturla, for some reason.

Theres a minuscule hole in my wall;
a cyclops left adrift
in the circular motions
of the tide of blue paint streaks,
covering my room with the seven oceans.
I feel there's nothing of here to grab the reader. No emotional impact or anything. Just... additions to an image. You need to have more solid wording and meaning in the opener.
They are trying to pelt imagination
"pelt" just bleh.
completely from my mind,
and ignore its tempting story.
This line is decent. "stories" would work better, as imagination holds more than one.
But like a heroic copper statue,
This seemse a random image. There'a a lack of cohesion in your pieces wiht the images, theyfit awkwardly together and jump around alot, which is why it's hard to feel there's anything concrete hlding this all together in some underlying level .
though soon to be tarnished,
it never will truly go away.
Awkward phrasing in these to lines.
I am lost in the vision of,
the sweeping doses of,
Far too overfussy puncutation in these four or so lines. "sweeping doses" seems redundant, as it doesn't back up the vision image.
aspersion,hypocrisy,adulterine
There's nothing to link up here imo. Feels like these words are here for no reason. Even metaphorically I can't take these words seriously in this piece.
mix ghastly to create
"ghastly" isn't really a decnet adverb, if one at all.
an assorted blur of deep darkness,
with wisps of routine figures
revolving about vigorously
"vigourously" was one I laughed at, imo a poor word choice. you have "blur, wisps, sweeping" and suddenly "vigouroulsy", just nothing solid here.

This piece flits and flluts around so much, with awkward phrasing, seemingly randomised ideas and was a piece lacking cohesion. Just, meh, either not to my tastes and I'm missing the point entirely or what I said last time, this stuff feels so forced ad you're just trying to imitate someone. Just let it flow, man.

In my sig, if you could. Much appreciated
#5
im just really fed up with people saying im just forcing it and trying to copy everybody else. i seriously don't give a dam anymore what people think, and i wish i learned that earlier. i try so hard to not copy anybody, not make anything to simple like corey's, nothing to advanced like steve's, and i've been wanting to do a piece with a hidden messenge in it, but what is the point? everybody is just ganna say im copying steve or some other person i've never heard of. i'm just sick of it all.im actually considering to stop writing, and not bother with it ever again.mabe im just in a bad mood rigth now, but watever
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Mar 14, 2007,
#7
Quote by ragglefraggle
hi, i havent written anything lately, i wasnt in the mood at all, but now im back in the mood, and wrote somthing i think is decent enough to post. i dont have the ending yet, but ill be working on that soon. crit for crit, leave a link. thanks. any ideas for a title is welcomed

Theres a minuscule hole in my wall;
a cyclops left adrift
in the circular motions
of the tide of blue paint streaks,
covering my room with the seven oceans.

i like this all. my only complaint would be the use of 'of' twice in the 4th line.

They are trying to pelt imagination
completely from my mind,
and ignore its tempting stories.

pelt seems like a poor choice in diction here. it kind of messes with this flow that you have going and doesn't really relate.

Though soon to be tarnished,
it never will truly go away.
I am lost in the vision of,
the sweeping doses of,
aspersion,hypocrisy,adulterine
mixing ghastly to create
an assorted blur of deep darkness,
with wisps of routine figures
revolving mysteriously.

ha loved this ending.



there wasn't much for me to say here, it was written pretty nicely with just a few things i personally would go in and change.
8/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544744
there is my newest piece if you have time
#8
whoa raggle, you need to chill bro.

Looking at someone else's style and learning from it is an excellent way to advance as a writer. I do have to agree with Jamie though, this one looks like you flipped through a dictionary and sprinkled words in there that you liked. The problem with this style of writing is that 1. Not everyone is going to get it. In fact, most people won't get it. and 2. it's ridiculously hard to do well without it sounding like nonsense language poetry.

Personally, I think this style is obscure and meaningless unless you have the lexicon of God. I think you would do better to check out some stuff by Billy Collins, George Bilgere or Sue Ellen Thompson. All are excellent contemporary poets and you could learn a ton from them. I know I have.

peace and respect
-edgar
#9
I can't say anything other than that I like it. I'm not a very good critter.
Wade in the water, child.
#10
Quote by ragglefraggle
im just really fed up with people saying im just forcing it and trying to copy everybody else. i seriously don't give a dam anymore what people think, and i wish i learned that earlier. i try so hard to not copy anybody, not make anything to simple like corey's, nothing to advanced like steve's, and i've been wanting to do a piece with a hidden messenge in it, but what is the point? everybody is just ganna say im copying steve or some other person i've never heard of. i'm just sick of it all.im actually considering to stop writing, and not bother with it ever again.mabe im just in a bad mood rigth now, but watever

Don't stop writing if it's something you enjoy doing, you're way better at this point than I was, in fact you probably use twice the range of vocabulary in your pieces than I do mine, and your younger and newer to writing than I am. I'm just commenting on your writing in general.

I can't think of a whole lot to say except I didn't care for the cyclops, it's just me though, I find cyclops an unpleasant word for some reason. I love the blue paint streak waves coverign.. part, it's my favorite in the piece.

Though soon to be tarnished,
it never will truly go away


Also here I think the second line should read "it'll never truly go away" or "It will..."
Overall I thought this was pretty good.