#1
"Helter Skelter!"
He claims and explains,
We will redeem souls,
and stay hidden in holes,
from Armegeddon,
"Take shelter under me."

Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

Paranoia is LOVE.
PARANOIA is love.

LOVE the PARANOIA.


Work in progress, any suggestions welcome. It's more of a poem than anything else. I'd really appreciate anything, so please, leave something. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#2
"Helter Skelter!"
He claims and explains,
We will redeem souls, <-- quotes? This part's not very clear. I can't understand what is being narrated vs. what the person who's quoted is actually saying.
and stay hidden in holes,
from Armegeddon,
"Take shelter under me."

Jesus of the devious, <--- suhweet!!
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

Mechanial Boy. <-- Mechanical
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

Paranoia is LOVE.
PARANOIA is love.

LOVE the PARANOIA.

Hmmm. You've got great lines, but it needs something to pull it all together, some common theme. Right now, it's not clear to me what I'm supposed to get out of this piece. At the very least it needs a basic plotline. The above is more of a jumble of ideas and leaves me craving some cohesiveness.

Sorry I couldn't offer more, but it's late and I've got work in the morning.

-Edgar
#4
i remember the old version of this anyway here i go

Quote by nerk13
"Helter Skelter!"
He claims and explains,
We will redeem souls,
and stay hidden in holes,
from Armegeddon,
"Take shelter under me."

i like the opening except "From armegeddon" instead during armagaedon or in arma....just a thought

Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

i don't have any problem with this stanza it flows gr8 and this time i understand whole LSD concept

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

like last time this part still seems forced instead of giving line breaks in last 2 i think if u connect them it will get solved .lie


Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrase those/your satanical sayings.



Paranoia is LOVE.
PARANOIA is love.

LOVE the PARANOIA.

i think in last version it went somethin like below. anyway here i go


Paranoia is LOVE.
love is paranoia.

LOVE ur PARANOIA.


i can be wrong but if i'm correct that one sounded much better.u can express relation b/w them like A-->B, B--->C so A--->C (transitive property).i can see that how u stressed upon love and paranoia by writing in block letters. i really like urs forget the repitition but how u expressed it was gr8.


As far as how to expand is concerned what u can do is tell the victim's state of mind but in the end you can contradict them and prove that Skelter tradition is right like'

old times flash you.
soul starts shivering.
Access for mercy goes denied.
Don't worry, Don't try to fight
After i'm over , you will feel
alright.


Loved this paranoia.
Paranoia became love.

i hope/guess you feel/know now
PARANOIA is LOVE


it's not probably the best . but hope it helps.


Work in progress, any suggestions welcome. It's more of a poem than anything else. I'd really appreciate anything, so please, leave something. Thanks.



well i hope some of this helps.i am high and drunk . so srry if i made fool out of myself

see ua round
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Apr 13, 2007,
#6
Hi Nerk, this is great.
Helter Skelter is such a good starting point! And I really like the idea of the mechanical boy/wind up toy. I agree with ndakasimba that it contains several good ideas which at present don't seem linked. If you could find away for it to tell a story or somehow make the verses flow into eachother that would be really great.
RollingWalrus.
#7
I'm sure I owe you a crit somewhere down the line.

"Helter Skelter!"
He claims and explains,
We will redeem souls,
and stay hidden in holes,
from Armegeddon,
"Take shelter under me."

Fullstop to end line 2. Since the first line is quoted, and the third seems to be the narrator cutting in. "stay hidden" didn't seem right to me, 'stay' is the weaker word. 'Remain' would sound good alongside 'redeem' if its possible. Think you meant 'Armageddon'. I like this on the whole, just needs a tidy.

Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

I too like the first line, however the second doesn't do it justice, its too vague after the first line. Line for sounds weak grammatically, perhaps 'in a trem...' or ever better, 'with LSD in a trembling hand'. The final line is okay, I can't help but feel I'm missing something though, care to explain.

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

I'd do something special with "Out phrases" I'm not exactly sure what though :p. Great little stanza, really good. Mechanical?

Paranoia is LOVE.
PARANOIA is love.

LOVE the PARANOIA.

hmm seemed very weak for where I thought this was going, its a totally new direction, I was beginning to build this image of a frail boy, being worn down by society, and then this pretty much killed it, lol. Great start but try giving it a more succinct ending.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
I can understand somewhat but i think it lacks a theme
It seems to me like the interpretation is up the the reader