#1
www.purevolume.com/anie ....the recording isn't fully complete yet but it still gives the whole vibe of the song if anyone likes to listen while reading. opinions please, c4c if you leave a link.

You're quiet
and It must be contagious
because I can't remember
the last word that I said

I wish I could replace word with night
and still have its truth perfectly held
right above the halo
you know, the one that you ripped down

and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
it doesn't make you worth it

This silence
Is making my stomach
Feel all sick and twisted
Just like the look on your face
I wish I could erase it with just a simple wipe of my hand
(I wish I could erase it with just a wipe of my hand)
You'd be gone in only seconds
Then maybe I could forget
(then maybe I could forget)

and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
it doesn't make you worth it

you're quiet
and it must be contagious
cause' I can't remember
the last word I said

my face melted to the pillow
you know you were out of line
but you're taking it lightly
am I even on your mind?

and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
(but that's as far as it goes and as far as I know)
it doesn't make you worth it
we were right under the halo
you know, the one that you ripped down
Last edited by anOnyMouSanIe at Mar 13, 2007,
#2
Listening to the song I would say it was very good piece all together. (I know not very uesful but ohh well)

GOOD SONG!
#4
You're quiet
and It must be contagious
because I can't remember
the last word that I said
Last two linea re a nice twist on the opener. However I feel the flow isn't great, and you could excite your vocabularly up a bit.

I wish I could replace word with night
this is clumsy and pretty redundant imo.
and still have its truth perfectly held
Again, awkward phrasing. Make sure your ideas are coming through more lcearly than this, make sure the words read properly.
right above the halo
you know, the one that you ripped down
this last line is too obvious. Plus, flow in this verse was pretty poor.

and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
I like.
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
it doesn't make you worth it
Eh, you could do far better than pointing this out. Excite me more.

This silence
Is making my stomach
Feel all sick and twisted
You could make this last line far stronger imo. "wrenched" would be awesome here.
Just like the look on your face
I wish I could erase it with just a simple wipe of my hand
Less of the word "just" already. Find a syn, or cut that unnecesary word.
(I wish I could erase it with just a wipe of my hand)
You'd be gone in only seconds
Then maybe I could forget
(then maybe I could forget)
Really, cut most, if not al, the "just" because you don't need it at all.

and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
it doesn't make you worth it

you're quiet
and it must be contagious
cause' I can't remember
the last word I said

I don't see the need for the reptitions.

my face melted to the pillow
you know you were out of line
but you're taking it lightly
am I even on your mind?
You mix your images up too much here. Develop the first line.

and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
(but that's as far as it goes and as far as I know)
it doesn't make you worth it
we were right under the halo
you know, the one that you ripped down

Overall alright, but I feel you could cut some extraenous words, improve the flow by far, and I thin you need to concentrate in turning the reader on more and exciting them with more flamboyant vocab, because this is all pretty unoriginal in your wording.

#5
Just curious did you read without listening? because if you listened i don't see how you could say it doesn't flow well. and i'm not really repeating the "you're quiet..." part its just layered underneath the other vocals. The vocab is pretty simple but thats how i like to write...i don't see the need in using a bunch of fancy words unless I'm just trying to impress people. I'd rather people understand what I'm talking about and be able to relate.

thanks for the crit.
#6
I didn't mean fancy vocabularly orr make this packed full of metaphors, I am not a fan of that, I just meant make it more exciting.

Example

said becomes whispered/shouted/prounounced/spoke/bellowed/roared etc.
quiet becomes muted/silent/teary/unnoticable etc

Just spice up the more boring word. and no I didn't listen aswell, I just critique the lyrics, if you really want people to pay attention to music too then go to R+R if you need musical crit.

#7
I like the first and third paragraph, pretty cool stuff. the rest isnt my style.
#8
You're quiet
and It must be contagious
because I can't remember
the last word that I said

I wish I could replace word with night
this line doesn´t make sense to me?
maybe it's just really awkwardly phrased.
but. the point is, i didn't like this line at all

and still have its truth perfectly held
right above the halo
you know, the one that you ripped down
this last line, like jamie said, was obvious.
you don't really need to say it, and if you're
going to say it, you could just make it part
of the line before it and say something new
in the last line, cause it doesn't sound good.


and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
"physically attractive" doesn't work for me.
it seems so... awkward. just because it's like.
a much less poetic phrase than the rest and
it just sticks out as that, making it awkward.

but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
it doesn't make you worth it
i actually really liked these three lines.
they were really really overly simple,
but they flowed really nicely and they
were phrased pretty well. so i liked this.


This silence
Is making my stomach
Feel all sick and twisted
Just like the look on your face
i hate when people say "just like" in songs.
it's like they're trying to FORCE a simile in,
just to make it more interesting, when the
simile really has no business being there.
i would get rid of the simile here or make it
more... uhh... fitting i guess? it just seems forced.

I wish I could erase it with just a simple wipe of my hand
(I wish I could erase it with just a wipe of my hand)
You'd be gone in only seconds
Then maybe I could forget
(then maybe I could forget)
there's something i reall don't like about
this last little bit (that last bunch of lines).
i don't know what it is, but i think you should
get rid of them and put something else there.


and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
it doesn't make you worth it

you're quiet
and it must be contagious
cause' I can't remember
the last word I said

my face melted to the pillow
you know you were out of line
but you're taking it lightly
am I even on your mind?
this seems way too whiney.
i really don't like this part.


and I might be disgusted
if you weren't so physically attractive
but that's as far as it goes
and as far as i know
(but that's as far as it goes and as far as I know)
it doesn't make you worth it
we were right under the halo
you know, the one that you ripped down


okay. well. overall, it was alright.
it left a LOT to be desired and it was
really overly simple and not particularly
original in any way whatsoever. but.
for what it is, it's alright. i guess it works.

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
if you look to the line above "I wish I could replace word with night" i say "because I can't remember the last word that I said" meaning i wish i didn't remember the last night that i had...you're right it is awkwardly phrased but i thought people would still get it. i don't see how the halo line is obvious. by saying "you know, the one that you ripped down" i'm using it to describe how the other person in the relationship tore down anything they had that was actually good or innocent. saying its obvious makes it sound like the line was expected and if it had not been written i don't think the point would've been made clearly. i also don't see how the chorus is unoriginal. i don't even know a song that gets across what i'm saying in the chorus. thanks for the crit though, i shall crit back.
#10
the last word that I said
I wish I could replace word with night

makes "the last night that I said"

I think that's what makes that line so odd, and awkward. to back up myself and Kyle there, to explain our point
#11
i love it.
i dont really have anything else to say.. just that its really good. keep it up :P
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#13
I like it. I can't think of anything to complain about in it.
-Fender '52 Reissue Tele
-1964 Kimberly electric
-Jay Turser Jazzbox
-Takamine acoustic
-Dano Hodad
-SuperCrybaby
-Dano Coolcat Chorus
-Big Muff
-Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Quote by powerhalf
Please forgive what maybe a noob question, but: What is an "FU"?