#1
It was the feeling of something dirty in his hands
So vile and tainted, wanting to be clean again
Like some unwritten law that holds no proof of purity
Just a towel for you to wipe away your sins, you now belong to me

My brother Jesus
My brother Jesus

Was the entire world in assembly that day?
Looking for their revenge, the jews, the blacks, the gays
I remember how the army tried to bring him down
Shot down with no believers, no ****ing crown

My brother Jesus, nothing but a dead poet
All along mistaken for something vaguely important

I watched the funeral on my television screen
I felt so many things that day, greed, highs, and poverty
The chaos was truly nothing i could have imagined
Wonder what they'll say when they find out he was a woman

My brother Jesus
My brother Jesus


For anyone interested in what it sounds like, the link in my sig will take you to my band site where you can hear a very rough demo... Crit for a crit of course...
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#2
this is very good, an idea it is brilliantly made, although the whole Jesus thing could be a bit streotyped
www.myspace.com/symmetry4321


Quote by RockerPseudonym
I think stone is either 7 or 14 lbs

Edit I'm gonna go with 14 because it's rather unlikely you're 56 pounds


Quote by evening_crow
sounds like....u need a...

BAND MEETING!!!
#4
Wow, at the moment I need just some more time to really think about your text. But at this moment i also can say that i really like the way you are writing and the title is really good.
So .... yeah ... i just have to think about it one more time, but i wouldn't say that this is a bad sign....
#5
Interesting. I'm not sure about this, but so far I'm interested. Which is good. Still, what you have here isn't effective. That is, it's not a complete 360 degree, solid, substantial piece. It's a very good start and I think the idea is nice, but I don't think there's enough here to really give us a complete picture. So I'm not sure if it needs more or just to be reworked for clarity, but as of yet I don't think it's terribly satisfying.

Rock On
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[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

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#6
yeah there was a whole other verse that got lost somewhere that added a bit of another perspective to it but i lost it somewhere...

thanks though...

hey how is it stereotyped?
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#7
I like the style but cant get your point, you're all over the place.
#8
i dont know people are saying by "stereotyped". do you even know what that means?

i like this, its kind of moving -- in a punkish rockish way. lol. but yes. theres not really much i would change. i like.

good work.

70/30 is my new one. i didnt do a good crit but.. yeah, if you feel like it.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#10
This song is interesting

Its structure is cool

Its a very daring piece so thats cool
The times are changing