#1
alright so after i wrote the last 2 pieces i needed a break and get back to writing and making it personal. i think i did that with this piece, regardless if its well liked or not theres a lot of meaning behind it. this part of the story is bringing in a girl. ill link all the rest of the pieces to this story later.

a marrow ocean I: hot air balloon
a marrow ocean II: anorexic apples
a marrow ocean III: starfish mafia
a marrow ocean IV: appleseed eyes


a marrow ocean V: steamboat lungs

a naval entrepreneur living inside his briefcase was selling
yesterday's weather reports to some sea sick capitalists wearing
wooden legs and some fish cracker smiles. When I asked if he could
spare me some change because my meter had expired, he explained;
'I can tell by your steamboat lungs and your algae locks that you don't need
more time, you need someone to love.'
Behind him there was a girl with coral eyes and a thrift store smile,
I instantly became product of the world's largest pyramid scheme.
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 15, 2007,
#2
Hey hey! part Five in the series!!

a marrow ocean V: steamboat lungs

a naval entrepreneur tucked into his briefcase was selling <- "tucked into his briefcase"?? cool image, but a bit confusing.
yesterday's weather reports to some sea sick capitalists wearing <-- great stuff, I'm a sucker for mentioning capitalism. great word sounds too.
wooden legs and some fish cracker smiles.<-- I'm not a fan of the fish cracker smiles.. maybe you're talking about Goldfish crackers and how they're always smiling? There was a commercial once that had a jingle, something like "It's the snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off." No lie. I was traumatized.
When I asked if he could
spare me some change because my meter had expired, he explained;
'I can tell by your steamboat lungs and your algae locks that you don't need
more time, you need someone to love.' <-- steamboat lungs and algae locks are both pretty excellent. I dig.
Behind him there was a girl with coral eyes and a thrift store smile,
I instantly became product of the world's largest pyramid scheme. <-- I'm not sure I understand the pyramid scheme part. Hold on... I wiki-ed it. That's brilliant. "No matter how far the scheme progresses, almost 82% of the people involved will lose."

This is a good one. Like usual, there's some great language and crazy ideas. Sorry I can't be more helpful, this one's a bit far out for my style. Great stuff.

-Edgar
#4
a naval entrepreneur living inside his briefcase was selling
yesterday's weather reports to some sea sick capitalists wearing
wooden legs and some fish cracker smiles. I don't really like the two some's so close together. Sounds sort of vague and elementary. I liked the alliteration of wearing wooden, for some reason that really rolled off of my tongue. This is a bit long, but you pull it off well enough. I love how you have this sailor theme going, but this isn't actually at all related to docks and sailing. Very nice.

When I asked if he could
spare me some change because my meter had expired, he explained;
'I can tell by your steamboat lungs and your algae locks that you don't need
more time, you need someone to love.' The imagery here is amazing. I love steamboat lungs, it just.... well... witty, I guess. It's cool, man. NJ.

Behind him there was a girl with coral eyes and a thrift store smile,
I instantly became product of the world's largest pyramid scheme.
I actually laughed out loud when I read this. Awesome ending, the description is perfect and really puts an image in your head.

Overall, this is great. Really one of the best things I've read on here in awhile. GJ, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Quote by rushmore
alright so after i wrote the last 2 pieces i needed a break and get back to writing and making it personal. i think i did that with this piece, regardless if its well liked or not theres a lot of meaning behind it. this part of the story is bringing in a girl. ill link all the rest of the pieces to this story later.


a marrow ocean V: steamboat lungs

a naval entrepreneur living inside his briefcase was selling
yesterday's weather reports to some sea sick capitalists wearing
wooden legs and some fish cracker smiles. When I asked if he could
spare me some change because my meter had expired, he explained;
'I can tell by your steamboat lungs and your algae locks that you don't need
more time, you need someone to love.'
Behind him there was a girl with coral eyes and a thrift store smile,
I instantly became product of the world's largest pyramid scheme.


I just got done reading all five and im really enjoying your style but theres on thing ive notice in this series that urks me. Bascially ( not to pry) but ive noticed you have used a lot of the same things in some pieces (mostly evident with this piece then others) The briefcase, coral, steamboat lungs. Youve refered to the boat as a whale or a living thing a lot. its just, things are getting overused and you either need to find an end to the series, or come up with new metaphors. Otherwise its good, though i thought this one had a weak last line.
#6
i agree with you^ i tried adding some new diction and blah but the coral, and i did mention a suitcase in one of the other pieces, other than that the metaphors are basically all new, except of course like i said the briefcase. thanks though
#7
Quote by rushmore

a marrow ocean V: steamboat lungs

a naval entrepreneur living inside his briefcase was selling
yesterday's weather reports to some sea sick capitalists wearing
wooden legs and some fish cracker smiles. When I asked if he could
"He?" Which one? I think that should be made more clear, unless it was meant to be left ambiguous for some reason. I like this so far, nice start. Are the sea sick capitalists pirates?
spare me some change because my meter had expired, he explained;
'I can tell by your steamboat lungs and your algae locks that you don't need
more time, you need someone to love.'
Behind him there was a girl with coral eyes and a thrift store smile,
I love this part, and all the internal rhyming. I also like how the sea theme continues in the descriptions, I feel like not a lot of writers realize how much more solid a piece is when it maintains the themes within the descriptions through the piece.
I instantly became product of the world's largest pyramid scheme.
And the capitalist idea continues. Nice ending here.


Overall very solid piece, honestly not much for me to crit, nice job.
#8
the one thing i noticed that didnt sit well with me is that you describe the smiles of both the capitalists and the girl... it might sound okay if the two were described together but that wouldn't work for your piece... so i think you need to describe something about the girl other than her girl smile... cause i like the "fish cracker" line, so keep that one.

otherwise it was good... i noticed you pulling from the other pieces too... i assumed it was intentional... to help tie them together.... but anyways nice work.
#9
ad astra, thanks a lot. im glad you got the theme through out

bassbeat - thats kind of what i was doing i was just questioning if people would get that or not so i was thinking about changing it. and thanks for pointing out that smile thing im going to fix that somehow.
#10
Hey just wanted to say that you should post one of your other pieces. The marrow ocean ones are great, but im interested in your other styles. nothing wrong with posting one on the side .Im reworking the cell phone life so.... ill post it later
Last edited by TrigFunction at Mar 17, 2007,
#11
yeah ive been thinking about just posting some of my other stuff for awhile. i kind of need a break from the marrow ocean series anyways just so i can get some new ideas and whatever.
ill definitely get to your piece tomorrow when i wake up.