#1
Another song from me and my friend;
it still needs a lot of work, but it's the idea that counts
some advice would be nice, tell us what you think


For god knows what reasons we've part
we bouth thought it would last forever
now there's no chance for a new start

and now i know these reasons
for this departure
now i see why we left us
Not due the facts of difference
Not for all these reasons - i accused you of
But because I failed you
I failed you as a friend

We both know it can't turn back
to the way it was

And i can only blame myself
for losing you
And i only blame myself
not you
#3
For god knows what reasons we've part
we bouth thought it would last forever
now there's no chance for a new start

*its a good start but it seems that this doesnt match the rest of the piece, the words match and fit but the pattern and flow doesnt.. maybe play with the words a bit to make it feel like a part of the piece as apposed to a prelude? or perhaps thats what you were after...*

and now i know these reasons
for this departure
now i see why we left us
Not due the facts of difference
Not for all these reasons - i accused you of
But because I failed you
I failed you as a friend

*not sure about the why we left us line, I didn't really follow what you were trying to say with it... other than that its pretty good*

We both know it can't turn back
to the way it was

And i can only blame myself
for losing you
And i only blame myself
not you

*Nice ending, I like the last line especially... overall 8/10 there are a couple of improvements and I think if you made it a little longer you could really stress your point more efficiently.... thanks for the crit, I hope this helps*
#6
none taken, but, how does it looks weird and sappy, some examples and advice?

thnx
#7
Quote by KotsPis
Another song from me and my friend;
it still needs a lot of work, but it's the idea that counts
some advice would be nice, tell us what you think


For god knows what reasons we've part
we bouth thought it would last forever
now there's no chance for a new start

and now i know these reasons
for this departure
now i see why we left us
Not due the facts of difference
Not for all these reasons - i accused you of
But because I failed you
I failed you as a friend

We both know it can't turn back
to the way it was
add 2 lines here to make it flow more
And i can only blame myself
for losing you
And i only blame myself
not you

i liked this and i cant realy find anything wrong with it, and im not just being nice. sorry if this doesnt help
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#8
It's clumsy. Some people can pull of rhyming and make it work and I'm always amazed cause I almost never can for an entire song. 90% of the time, however, it ends up like this. You've got some really weird lines just for the sake of the rhyme and that makes me think you cared more about the rhyme scheme than the theme of the song. Which is never good. If you're a good writer you can pull of rhymes. But to be a good writer you have to concentrate on what you're saying first, not just how it sounds in your own ears.

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#9
For god knows what reasons we've part
we both thought it would last forever
now there's no chance for a new start

Not trying push my style of writing but I would not be so wordy. Having too many words for a small idea gets confusing for a lot of people when listening to a song. Try compressing sentences into small phrases. Like y "No idea why we've part/We were to last forever/No chance for a brand new start" Not the greatest but try not to have long sentences.
and now i know these reasons
for this departure
now i see why we left us
Not due the facts of difference
Not for all these reasons - i accused you of
But because I failed you
I failed you as a friend

You didn't know the reasons before and now you do but you give us a vauge "I failed you as a friend". Try finding a better way to get the idea across. Keep a steady pattern to the number of syllables you have in each stanza if you are working with lyrics. Poetry usually doesn't follow that rule but lyrics almost always do. Also rhyming helps a song out a great deal because it sounds nice to the ears. But don't bend over backwards to fit rhyming into a song if you can't do it. Also a lot of the lines overlap the same exact ideas as the one before it. You don't want to have a stanza that is basicly the same sentence over and over again. "and now i know these reasons/for this departure/now i see why we left us"
We both know it can't turn back
to the way it was
And i can only blame myself
for losing you
And i only blame myself
not you

Probably the best part of the song. I like the ending. Could always use work though.

Overview:
Work on compressing your sentences.
Work on keeping a steady pattern to the number of syllables you have in each stanza.
Work on rhyming.
Work on not overlaping ideas.
I like the idea of your song. Its not usually wrote about being that most men think its sappy and weird to write a song about friendship. You just need to work on your structure. Hope this helps.
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#10
Quote by KotsPis

now i see why we left us

Thats a little confusing...

but other than that its an alright song, maybe work on the flow a little bit if your going to put it in music.
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#11
Again, the three liner sticks out a bit, I don't know if it's just me, but it just don't feel right. And the way you end the songs, the last four lines are very simmilar, and I don't know if you did this with some special plan in mind or something, but when you repeat two lines only the second time there are less words, it can really mess with the timing.

Anyway, that's my input.
#12
Ok this is my first crit ever...I tend to agree with HellBent in that it was confusing...and the three line start with fat middle and 4 line end with the 2 line setup....see where I am going...it has a bit of an issue with how it flows. I read it out loud a few times and never really got it to come out smooth. If all the off timing is what you are trying to accomplish then I am dead wrong. I do really like the end though. It was just hard to concentrate on what you were trying to say. Tell me, is this written to be with music? or is it a poem? or spoken...I have a tendency to try to look at how words fit in structured musical phrases and if its not meant to be that then I didnt pick up on it. Sorry to be critical the first time I post one of these deals but it does not mean that I think you stink...Keep working hard and polish your craft as you have much potential.
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#13
This piece describes a very human emotion in certain people. Some are this way and some aren't. It takes two people to make things work and you shouldn't place blame on yourself so harshly. All in all good depiction of your emotion though.