#1
Hey, this is the song i wrote some days ago. it does't really have a structure, no verse and no chorus, but see if you like it and tell me what you think about it!


A tree drowning in the sea

Open you eyes it is darkest night
just one lonely star is shining bright
you're standing naked on the frozen ground
can just hear this urgent sound
>just a body without a soul<

I can see this beautiful tree
thousand leaves are hiding that you cannot see
that it never bear fruit or was in full bloom
now I realize it's fall while I hear this tune
>water running through your finger, left a whole<

Oh no, it wasn't still and quite
when this feeling went away
it was just too dark to stay

can you see this tree
drowning in the sea
and the smashed sun
a new day had just begun


And what do you think about it?
Last edited by Elen at Mar 14, 2007,
#2
It's not too bad.
The rhyming is very trite and lame.

Perfect Rhymes sound very bad to me. Try some slant rhymes.

Rhymezone.com can help you with that. Slant Rhymes or Imperfect Rhymes are basically rhymes that "rhyme" or sound good sung based on the plosives [p,b,ka] sounds and other basic consanant/vowel sounds.

The other thing that I noticed after I read it a fourth time is the metaphors and lack of story may make it hard to follow to be a "pop/rock" song. You may want to try using less flowery language. As I said before, it's good but it just doesn't "take" you anywhere. A great song will take you somewhere with it's Story AND Flowery language.

Hope that helps
and
Good Luck.

-Jonas
Last edited by JonasStevens at Mar 14, 2007,