this is sumtin i wrote a short while ago. im not really a fan of it myself , but would like to hear other peoples views before i change it or scrap it. also , its not entirely finished but , ah well. crit 4 crit

Gonna make it this time

Jumpin off the back of a strange guys truck,
We`ve been thinkin of this day for long enough,
And i turn to you and you smile at me
And i know were gonna make it this time.

We ve been through alot in our lives,
We`ve fallen behind oh so many times,
But we get back up and we start again,
Cuz we know that we can go it alone.

The mountains and the valleys that twist and turn,
They may stand in our they may slow us down,
But there`s nothing in this world gonna make us stop
No there`s nothing gonna make us stop.

The nights roll on and the days burn up,
And we`ve been talkin and talkin for many a month,
Coverin ground we`ve never seen before,
Yeah i think we`re gonna make it this time.

The canyons and the rapids beat and bruise us up,
And the forests and the deserts seem so tough,
But we know in our heads we can make it this time,
We`re gonna see it to the end of the road.
member number 14 of the UG John frusciante fan club

Founder of the 'the John Frusciante ****ing sucks!Club!" sucks, club!
im not really a fan of it myself

Word of advice, don't ever say things like this. It gives us a bad first impression of the piece and gives us the right to not be a fan of it either. Either work it over until you are happy with it, or at least don't admit to that fact. Unless you say it as a "I'm not a fan of this, tell me what I can do to improve it" sorta thing. Anyway, on to the song.

It's alright. I was in a band with this guy and the songs he would write were all like this. I swear he had magnetic poetry of like, twenty lines and would just rearrange them to come up with new lyrics. Almost every one of his songs included the lines "Let's burn the city down" "Let's fly away" "We can make it this time" and it always happened "tonight." Basically, it got old really fast. So songs like this are hard to do well. The entire idea is old and it's hard to get right. This is fine enough and the writing is good, but it's impossible not to sound at least a little cliche with a song like this.

When we hear "We'll make it this time" we start asking ourselves a few questions like "what happened the last few times?" or "why this time?" Saying that you've been pushed around but you're better for it is nice, but it doesn't answer any of those questions and we're going to leave unsatisfied. Like I said the writing here is solid an all, but thematically you're going to have to think way out of the box if you want us to really like it.

Rock On
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[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
thanx man, ill keep dat all in mind for future songs. seems like u really know ur stuff. cheers
member number 14 of the UG John frusciante fan club

Founder of the 'the John Frusciante ****ing sucks!Club!" sucks, club!