#1
Story:
I was on the bus today, and one of the friends whom I haven't seen in a while showed up (obviously named Laura). My friend Larry grabbed the mini-book (and I take that term literally) and began to read some songs that were in it. Laura asked if I had any songs about her (jokingly, of course) and I said no. It did give me a good idea for a song though. Possibly one of the most poppy songs I have ever written. Crit 4 Crit.

I watch the silhouettes
Dancing on the glass
I used to love watching you
Dancing in that dress
But that seems like ancient history now
And it must have been cause by destiny
I look around
You’ve moved from next to me

Oh no
Where’d you go?
Oh no
Where’d you go?
You’ve gone away again
You’ve gone away again

Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura

If history repeated itself
You’d be right back by my side
That must be the biggest load
I’ve heard in my life
And it seems to me
You took a part of me
Away

Oh no
Where’d you go?
Oh no
Where’d you go?
You’ve gone away again
You’ve gone away again

Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura

Cause I miss your warmth
I miss you smile
It’s making me so hostile (Waiting feels so infantile)
Cause I miss your warmth
I miss you smile
It’s making me so hostile (Waiting feels so infantile)

Oh no
Where’d you go?
Oh no
Where’d you go?
You’ve gone away again
You’ve gone away again
Oh no
Where’d you go?
Oh no
Where’d you go?
You’ve gone away again
You’ve gone away again

Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
Come back Laura
#2
I don't think she's going to come back if that's the best you can do. I work at Pacsun and I hear songs like this by Landon Pigg or Donovan Frankreiter all day and I always ask myself "How in the world do they expect the girl to come back if that's the best they can do?"

Sure it's nice and sweet and it might make Laura sad to have left you, but you gotta ask yourself, does it really say what you want it to say? To paraphrase the speech from "Walk the Line," if you had time to sing Laura one song to make her want to come back to you, is that the one you'd sing?

You've obviously got the motivation and you've got some good memories and some strong ideas, but you need to really dig into it and ask yourself what you're trying to say. Do you want her to come back or be in love with you? Do you want to just be friends? Do you miss her smile cause it was a pretty smile, or do you miss her smiling because she was out with you?

The writing in this piece is pretty poor, but I think it's because of all the stuff above. I think if you really get down to the bottom of it and really figure out what it is you want to say, the writing will improve.

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