#1
I was recently studying poems in school for my GCSE exams and i was inspired to write a piece based on the poem "Vultures" some of you may know it. It is about love and how even when you do something utterly disgusting every day like concentration camp guards used to do, you can still live a very normal life and love.

It also sounds better with music, when i have recorded it with my band (click the sig) i will post a link to it.

Verse 1
He walks home in the rain
The sky's are grey
Its been a hard day at work
Disposing of the bodies

Chorus
How does he sleep at night
With all the things hes done
Mass murderer during the day
Loving husband at night

Verse 2
Stops off at the local sweet shop
To buy his little girl some sweets
For after her tea

Chorus

Verse 3
His wife is at home
Waiting for him to return
He will be greated
With hugs, kisses and
Lots of love

Chorus

Verse 4
What is the more worrying thing
That all evil can still love
Or that
Even the nicest people
Can still cause mass destruction

Chorus

Crit for Crit

THANKS IN ADVANCE!
Last edited by mimimimi at Mar 14, 2007,
#2
i think your verses are bit small. and i feel you should combine both v1with v2 and v3withv4 and last line of chorus i didn't like it that much
Hi
#3
I like the idea you are writing about but this is extremely simple. The verses are short and they don't seem to cause any emotion. i mean based on the subject matter it should definitely conjure up something. Its not that what you have is bad its just that it doesn't seem to have much depth. The chorus is especially weak. Its just too blunt for me. i thought the last verse was probably the best. i would suggest maybe putting more time into it to trying to expand the verses.

crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544686
#4
Quote by anOnyMouSanIe
I like the idea you are writing about but this is extremely simple. The verses are short and they don't seem to cause any emotion. i mean based on the subject matter it should definitely conjure up something. Its not that what you have is bad its just that it doesn't seem to have much depth. The chorus is especially weak. Its just too blunt for me. i thought the last verse was probably the best. i would suggest maybe putting more time into it to trying to expand the verses.

crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544686


Thankyou