#1
Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

Paranoia is LOVE.

Maniacal transcribed oh-hymns,
Grand Staff of rouge wounds.
He fingerpaints his complaints,
Tin Man bleeding sin,
boiling oil for the pigs.

PARANOIA is love.

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

Believe me,
(Prophetic poise flowing in the white noise.)
If I started murdering people,
(Salivating for your salvation.)
There'd be none of you left.
(Missing lips fluttering from my feet.)

LOVE your PARANOIA.


I'd appreciate anything. CRIT4CRIT, of course. I'll be on the computer most of the night, so anything I need to look at will be critted sometime soon. Thanks in advance.

NOTE: This song is about Charles Manson and the Tate Murders. The last verse contained one of his actual quotes, "Belive me, if I started murdering people, there'd be none of you left." I'm not saying I want to kill people. It's a bit of a farce of him.

Just thought I'd clear that up.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Mar 14, 2007,
#2
Quote by nerk13
Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

i liked the opening 2 lines.i din't get LSD thing . but i liked the whole stanza


Paranoia is LOVE.


this really caught my eye

Maniacal transcribed oh-hymns,
Grand Staff of rouge wounds.
He fingerpaints his complaints,
Tin Man bleeding sin,
boiling oil for the pigs.

i liked the 3 lines.but honestly i didn't like the 4 th one "Tin Man bleeding sin". there can be something better then this

PARANOIA is love.

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.



the blue one sounded bit force it was not that gr8 in flow to me.


Believe me,
(Prophetic poise flowing in the white noise.)
If I started murdering people,
(Salivating for your salvation.)
There'd be none of you left.
(Missing lips fluttering from my feet.)

i liked how you expressed yourself in it.

LOVE your PARANOIA.
(nice alteration in end well lanned)


I'd appreciate anything. CRIT4CRIT, of course. I'll be on the computer most of the night, so anything I need to look at will be critted sometime soon. Thanks in advance.



overall i liked it alot.i know my crit is not as good as urs. i will crit ur other piece or maybe i'll come back and edit in this .right now i am doing something very imp. but i promise u i will return you a promising crit..
Hi
#3
Quote by nerk13
Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.

haha i liked all of this except the last line. also the products of broken society is a little cliche and i thought it brought down how great the first line was.

Paranoia is LOVE.

Maniacal transcribed oh-hymns,
Grand Staff of rouge wounds.
He fingerpaints his complaints,
Tin Man bleeding sin,
boiling oil for the pigs.

this is pretty weird but likable. i think the first lines flow is a bit clumsy when read otherwise everthing else here is solid.

PARANOIA is love.

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

Believe me,
(Prophetic poise flowing in the white noise.)
If I started murdering people,
(Salivating for your salvation.)
There'd be none of you left.
(Missing lips fluttering from my feet.)

LOVE your PARANOIA.


the last stanza, in particular the 'if i started murdering' line is a bit straight foward and not to appealing but otherwise everything else was great
.


i was pretty impressed by this, id like to read more by you.
7.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544744
there is my piece if you can return a crit, it doesnt have to be much at all
#4
i liked the opening 2 lines.i din't get LSD thing . but i liked the whole stanza

Manson used LSD to brainwash, supposedly, some of his followers to make it easier for them to kill and murder at his command. Acid was very popular in the Manson family.

the blue one sounded bit force it was not that gr8 in flow to me.

I see what you mean... should I just completely take it out? What do you suggest?

haha i liked all of this except the last line. also the products of broken society is a little cliche and i thought it brought down how great the first line was.

You know, that occured to me while I was writing it. Looking back, it really is a cop out. I'll definitely find something stronger to put there. The last line is a reference to the band he was in with the rest of his followers, I was hoping it would kind of transition to the next few verses, which were music-oriented, smoothly... but I was wrong! IDK, what do you suggest there? Completely taking it out, or finding another way to phrase it?

this is pretty weird but likable. i think the first lines flow is a bit clumsy when read otherwise everthing else here is solid.

Thank God, it's likable. I was afraid the imagery would be way off the grid, but I'm glad it made some sort of mark. I personally love the first line, but, yeah, it is a bit bumpy. I'll look at it again and see what I can do.

the last stanza, in particular the 'if i started murdering' line is a bit straight foward and not to appealing but otherwise everything else was great

Umm.... that line itself? It's a quote, verbatim. Not my words. The stuff in parentheses is mine, however, so if you're talking about the line below it, I can definitely mess with that, if it needs it.


Thanks to both of you guys, I really appreciate the crits. rushmore, I just did yours. It wasn't very helpful, but what can I say? It's practically perfect.

Thanks again.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Quote by nerk13
Jesus of the devious,
products of broken society.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
LSD in trembling hand,
slashing to Family Jams.
i'm diggin the internal rhymes there
Paranoia is LOVE.

Maniacal transcribed oh-hymns,
Grand Staff of rouge wounds.
He fingerpaints his complaints,
Tin Man bleeding sin,
boiling oil for the pigs.
good stanza in general, i think the fingerpainting bit is the best
PARANOIA is love.
i like this metaphor(ish) thing
Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.
i like the way you broke it up and the general scheme of it
Believe me,
(Prophetic poise flowing in the white noise.)
If I started murdering people,
(Salivating for your salvation.)
There'd be none of you left.
(Missing lips fluttering from my feet.)

LOVE your PARANOIA.
like how you kept same idea while switching it up.

I'd appreciate anything. CRIT4CRIT, of course. I'll be on the computer most of the night, so anything I need to look at will be critted sometime soon. Thanks in advance.

NOTE: This song is about Charles Manson and the Tate Murders. The last verse contained one of his actual quotes, "Belive me, if I started murdering people, there'd be none of you left." I'm not saying I want to kill people. It's a bit of a farce of him.

Just thought I'd clear that up.

really solid original piece. and thanks for clearing up the murdering thing, i was a bit creeped out
#6
Thanks, x2x0. Yeah, I know, alot of people were creeped out. I posted it and then it hit me the next day while I was in Social Studies that people may not get the references. A note was needed, I 'spose, after all.

Don't worry, I'm not really that creepy, morbid, or homicidal. It's the voices in my head, they tell me to write it.

Okay, I have a revision. It's not much, but I kept in mind the suggestions made above (I'd love some more, you know.) and rewrote a few things. Let me know what you think.

Jesus of the devious,
Anit-merchandise anti-Christ.
He leads the fleet of holy deceit,
Parading with red confetti,
As the trips swallow the self-pity.

Paranoia is LOVE.

Maniacal transcribed oh-hymns,
on Grand Staffs of rouge wounds.
He fingerpaints his complaints,
The Tin Man bleeding sin,
boiling oil for the pigs.

PARANOIA is love.

Mechanial Boy.
Wind up toy.
Pull the.
String.
Out Phrases.
Satanical sayings.

Believe me,
(Prophetic poise flowing in the white noise.)
If I started murdering people,
(Salivating for your salvation.)
There'd be none of you left.
(Missing lips fluttering from my feet.)

LOVE your PARANOIA.

Not much of a difference, but I think it's a bit better now. Please, crits are welcome, mean or nice.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep