#1
So I haven't posted on here for a while. Haven't really written anything either. Anyway, now that the hockey season is over, hopefully I can do some more writing and more critiquing. So if you felt the urge and clicked on this title, just leave me a link and/or title and I will do my best to give you a complete, detailed critique. Thanks.

So this song stems from a dream I had the other night. It was one hell of a crazy dream. I woke up and at around 3am scribbled down three pages of shi t which grew and evolved into these lyrics. They are still in progress, and I am very open to change if you have a strong idea. So here we go.


JUNKIES AND *****S

It tastes so sweet
So sing a song of lost love,
It’s nothing new
We’re over it
You know we are

I’ll take my chance
I recognize these shapes
These sounds
Just recognize
We’re worth more

(now I'm still not sure if this is just going to be another verse or a chorus)
And you know we are
Everything
The world’s not to be
There’s more to life than things and wanting more
One day you’ll find we’re more, more than just junkies and *****s

To sleep so sound
After everything
Even the worst dream’s a dream
To a dreamer

We’re all alone in this life
Please recognize
Just how ****ed up things are
Get over it
Nothing really is OK

(chorus)

You can’t build a kite out of stone
But I can try
Fallen from heights
Lie cracked and broken
On the concrete below

^(I'm still not sure I like that verse)

And we all know
It’s all a pile of shit so kindly **** off and let’s be happy
After all
Well we’re all just junkies and *****s.


Anyway, there it is. Sorry for all the notes I left in the piece. Now before anybody rips on this piece for being emo or angry or anything, I feel it may be misunderstood by some/many. This piece is saying that we are all a junkie of some sort, dependent upon something, be it a girl/boyfriend, a video game, food, exercise, ect. And we are all *****s. not in the sense we all work as prostitutes, but in the sense that we abuse ourselves, physically and emotionally, day in and day out, risking years off our lives, for a moment of pleasant buzz in this moment. So as I said before, if you bothered to click and/or read this far, just leave me a link and/or title and I will critique your piece. Thank you.
#2
I like the ideas in this and your explanation of the song. Its just all the ideas seem to be jumbled together so randomly...and without the explanation I would've been even more confused.

"There’s more to life than things and wanting more
One day you’ll find we’re more, more than just junkies and *****s?"

there is a lot of repetition of the word more here. and i think the first line is pretty weak. i do like how you say we're more than just junkies and *****s though...maybe try to reword the line before it or just take it out.

I also really didn't like when you said "Get over it, Nothing really is OK." Those lines just seem too simple immature.

overall i liked the sarcasm and what you were trying to get across i just think it could've been put together a lot better.

crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544686
#3
Why did you write a paragraph at the end explaining the song? That's what the lyrics are for. If the lyrics can't communicate your ideas, then they need re-writing.
Encore God & Asomodai- UG JHS Brotherhood

Encore God: fighting UG Zeppelin-centrism since 2002.