#1
i was hoping for a room with
an antique projector
that would
softly click
as the film rolled
from reel
to reel,
casting images
of taciturn
coastlines
all over the
weathered wall.

but instead,
my throat was punctured
by a cactus on
the side of the road,
and the cynicism poured
from my neck like a thousand
tequila shooters
with no salt or lime.

the last thing i heard
before i met with oblivion
was the sound of a child's
toy accordion, playing
the same
three
notes
until my eyes fell shut.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 18, 2007,
#3
no one wants to read this?

fucking lame.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 17, 2007,
#4
no one wants to read this?

fucking lame.

ok here you go.i am not good as u but i hope some of my suggestions are helpful to you


Quote by Grovermans
i was hoping for a room with
an antique projector
that would
softly click
as the film rolled
from reel
to reel,
spraying images
of taciturn
coastlines
all over the
weathered wall.

i really liked the intro and how you painted the whole picture of that room. it's perfect.

instead,
i got my throat slit
by a cactus on the side
of the road to that room,
and the cynicism poured

i think instead of and if you use some other word like growing cynicism and whatever u think. it will make sure that reader is intact tour piece. and is really buying it.


from my neck like a thousand
tequila shooters
with no salt or lime.

and the last thing i heard
before i met with oblivion
was the sound of a child's
toy accordion, playing
the same
three
notes
until my eyes fell shut.

to be honest i didn't like the last line may be u can rephrase it better


overall i liked it . i reall y loved the whole projector scheme
#6
If I were you, I wouldn't change the last line. I think it was the perfect closing. Third stanza was really strong, IMO, my favourite of all three. This is really good man, great imagery. Very nice Please crit mine if you can
Member #11 of the Steve Irwin Memorial Club, pm Clincher09 to join

Quote by MuffinMan
Women: the newest form of currency.
#7
of the road to that room,

I thought that part was abit awkwardly phrased.

I would take out the "and" that starts the last stanza.

I wouldn't change that last line.

This was short and sweet Kyle. Nice work.
#8
kyle, i'm tired, but i'll do my best.
first stanza was perfect. your description was good, and i could really see what you were saying. not much to say really. it was simple, but good.
second stanza has a sudden change of atmosphere, i had not expected that, but it works and your writing is still up to your standards.
final stanza wraps it up nicely, i loved the toy accordion line. maybe oblivion wasn't the right word, IMHO it didn't fit between the other, more simple words.

thanks for your comment on mine.
joris
#9
i was hoping for a room with
an antique projector
that would
softly click
as the film rolled
from reel
to reel,
spraying images
of taciturn
coastlines
all over the
weathered wall.
i love how this starts. great use of "taciturn"
instead,
i got my throat slit
by a cactus on the side
of the road to that room,
and the cynicism poured
from my neck like a thousand
tequila shooters
with no salt or lime.
this part is also very interesting. personally i would prefer "my throat was slit" over "i got my throat slit" but either way is fine.
and the last thing i heard
before i met with oblivion
was the sound of a child's
toy accordion, playing
the same
three
notes
until my eyes fell shut.
wow, amazing ending. i really like your writing style.


the only thing is it seems like this would only actually mean something to you...but thats not a problem unless you want others to really feel something from it. very good writing though, i enjoyed it.
#10
I only found a few things, this is too good for a full crit, sorry.

spraying images

Spraying, IMO, doesn't sound like the right word. It doesn't really to that imagery justice in my head. I don't have a suggestion for a replacement, I'm a bit useless, but just wanted to point it out for some thought.


i got my throat slit

Awkward phrasing. To me, it would sound alot better if you said, "My throat was slit." I don't know, there may be some special meaning behind that phrasing. If not, the voice here doesn't blend with the rest.


until my eyes fell shut.

Yeah, I'm going to agree with everyone else. This seriously needs some work. Enough people had said it, so I'll leave it at that.

Other than that, this is awesome. I love the imagery and your language and word choice is just ****ing amazing. This is probably one of the most original things I have read on here in awhile.

and the cynicism poured
from my neck like a thousand
tequila shooters
with no salt or lime.


This verse made the song for me. It's just... well, I'm speechless... impressive, I suppose.

Brilliant song, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#11
Really decent piece, the ending was excellent. I suppose my only complaints would be the "taciturn coastlines" bit and the second stanza in general. While the idea of coastlines being taciturn is a pretty intriguing description, I just don't like wording. I don't know, I'm just reading and I hit the word taciturn used here and it kind of...like, upsets me? haha whatever the fuck that means.

As for the second stanza, you go from some great imagery straight into the blunt "i got my throat slit" which is bland and unattractive. And I don't think I'll believe you if you try to claim it was intentional with the contrast of "instead," because the second half of that stanza is worded quite nicely.

All in all I really enjoyed it. Can I ask what the significance of the title is? I know it's a place in Mexico and I can connect that with the tequila shooters but other than that I'm lost.
#12
Quote by nerk13
Spraying, IMO, doesn't sound like the right word. It doesn't really to that imagery justice in my head. I don't have a suggestion for a replacement, I'm a bit useless, but just wanted to point it out for some thought.
yeah i didn't like spraying either, cause it kind of went
against the more gentle imagery i was trying for there,
but i couldn't think of anything else to change it to. BUT.
i want to change it so i shall try to find something for it.


Quote by nerk13
Yeah, I'm going to agree with everyone else. This seriously needs some work. Enough people had said it, so I'll leave it at that.
only one person has said that


Quote by Jammydude44
of the road to that room,
I thought that part was abit awkwardly phrased.
i thought so too, but i couldn't think
of another way to include the room
in the line without that wording.
but maybe i'll find something!


Quote by Ad*Astra
As for the second stanza, you go from some great imagery straight into the blunt "i got my throat slit" which is bland and unattractive. And I don't think I'll believe you if you try to claim it was intentional with the contrast of "instead," because the second half of that stanza is worded quite nicely.
haha i'm not going to claim that because it's not true.
you have a very good point there, and i was kind of
worried about the whole "i got my throat slit" thing.
i'll try to think of something else to change it to.


Quote by Ad*Astra
All in all I really enjoyed it. Can I ask what the significance of the title is? I know it's a place in Mexico and I can connect that with the tequila shooters but other than that I'm lost.
it's about my vacation there.
well. i'm still there. it's lame.

BUT ANWAYS. thank you very much everyone.
i will try to fix those problems now while i've
still got time at this stupid internet cafe computer.

thank god i'm coming home tomorrow.

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
Quote by Grovermans

i was hoping for a room with
an antique projector
that would
softly click
as the film rolled
from reel
to reel,
casting images
of taciturn
coastlines
all over the
weathered wall.

Nice flow, and a tone that is well set, wouldn't touch a thing in this stanza.

but instead,
my throat was punctured
by a cactus on
the side of the road,
and the cynicism poured
from my neck like a thousand
tequila shooters
with no salt or lime.

I'm not too keen on the 'but', that however is just personal nit-picking.
I'm charmed by the metaphore at the end, but I find it slightly vulgar, again, nit-picking. Another good stanza.


the last thing i heard
before i met with oblivion
was the sound of a child's
toy accordion, playing
the same
three
notes
until my eyes fell shut.

Does what it's ment to do, but i'm not feeling quite how I should, can't quite put my finger on it, sorry. Some people are saying the last line should be changed, but I disagree and think that it really makes the last stanza.


I'm always compelled to read your pieces Grovermans, and i'm not at all disappointed with this effort, I think it's pretty neat and a good read. 4/5.

[*Apologies for what is a pretty shit crit*]