#1
Crit4Crit

I still owe one or two from my last one, hopefully I'll be able to get to them soon. This is a pretty standard poem, and it sounds forced and it sucks, but it some meaning to me. The second stanza is unnecessary, but I'll probably keep it there.


"Playing Make Believe with the Shadows"

A silver shadow dances across a dark wall,
where it's melting the scarlet paint off,
staining the lead floor red,
It's thinking, "RIP IT TO SHREDS!"

It's either in extreme anger or sadness,
but the shadow's still moving with
unimaginable control and awareness.

The shadow doesn't notice me,
or maybe it's pretending, just like I am.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 15, 2007,
#2
Playing Make Believe with the Shadows"

A silver shadow dances across a dark wall,
where it's melting the scarlet paint off,
staining the lead floor red,
It's thinking, "RIP IT TO SHREDS!"
ok, ur doing good, but the last line completley kills it. u started off with nice imagery, i like the internal rhyme lead and red, but i dont think u should end ur last lin rhyming with red. to me, thats overkill on it.plus rip it to shreds is blunt, and doesnt fit

It's either in extreme anger or sadness,
but the shadow's still moving with
unimaginable control and awareness.
how u ended the second line with "with" annoyed me. i feel is should end on "moving", that way it doesnt sound as cut off..the rhyming here annoyed me again, idk, i guess i just got to a point where i hate most rhyming

The shadow doesn't notice me,
or maybe it's pretending, just like I am.
i was thinking mabe changing it to"the shadow doesnt notice me,but perhaps its just pretending,just like i am"


overal, decent, its simple. the rhyming annoyed me, as i pointed out. if u could leave a cirt on *new*Untitled in my sig, id be happy.