#1
Click This
It is the previous part.


4:54 PM 3/15/1994

I drop to my knees. The car fades off into the distance. The rain continues to fall with a pitter-patter like that of a tap dancer atop my head. "Why!?" I shout to the heavens. My face starts to grow cold; the feeling of ice water being painted onto my skin. The my lip begins to twitch with a pins-and-needles sensation.
Paresthesia takes over my brain. My balance fails and I thump on the ground like a ragdoll. My face bounces off of the soaked grass, and with a thud, my eyes are jabbed by the blades of grass. For the first time in my life, I saw what life was like amidst the huge, towering structures of green. I could see ants scuttling to get somewhere dry. Peons, thats all they are.
With the last stitch of energy within my body, I manage to shove myself over on my back. I relished the drops of water irritating my eyes; it was quite comforting. My face was cold, but now I felt warmth streaming down them. Once again, on my lips I could taste salt. Pitiful. My eyes were fixed on the clouds, which were moving quite rapidly. They had all faded from crisp outlines to hazy grey blobs in the sky.
Suddenly, the rain began to lighten. The grey blobs were instead being overrun by shining white blobs. It was like the sun penetrating through the darkness. As a matter of fact, that is what happened next. With it's appearance, came warmth to my body. After laying in the sun for what had to have been hours, my muscles began to flex with my commands. FLEX LEGS, NOW! And with that command came the faint flexing of my legs.
And then my arms to lift me off the ground. And then my legs again to support me. And then my neck to lean back. And then my lips to scream. At first I didn't really intend to say anything, but as my lungs began to ache from screaming, and as my throat began to throb, I choked of and began to speak a faint whisper. "Why? Why do you make me go through this?"
It was 12 years ago, I was 15. A juvenile. I had been dating a beautiful girl whom I loved very much. We had been going out for nearly 4 months now, when a girl came up to me and said something that concerned me. She claimed that my girl had, behind my back, been having sex with 3 of my best friends. When I found out, I asked why would anyone ever do something like that. She told me to question my girlfriend. So, I did. She didn't deny it. She instead, asked me how slow I could be, that she had been doing it for at least 2 months. "You're a loser. You can't satisfy me. Plus, whats more fun than telling every girl at school that your peter is smaller than my thumb? Get lost you loser." I was humiliated. For 3 months, I lived in constant pain, mentally and emotionally. When I walked down the halls in school, I was sneered and snickered at. My friends all abandoned me. It turns out it wasn't just 3. If I told her someone was my friend, she consequently had sex with them. She was the first for over three-fourths of my former friends. But yet I never even saw her nude.
I could have gone on living. I could have just bottled the pain inside, and stored it in the farthest cell-block in my brain, but something happened. It was June 3rd, I had just turned 17. I was shocked when the girl who had opened her legs for so many of my friends seemed to be opening her heart and saying she was sorry. She apologised in a sincere sounding note in my 5th block class. It was triginometry, my last class. As I scrolled over the lines of the note with my eyes, I was warmed inside. My bottled up stress seemed to blow away in the wind. I was back. And as I read the last line on the paper, I thought that I had finally regained a friend. I was invited to a party that friday. So, I went. A few of my close friends, who had betrayed me, were there. I didn't mind. Her parents were gone, and there was beer there. A few people smoked some pot, but it wasn't my thing. It was around midnight, when everyone was telling jokes. I sat unnoticed off to the side. The girl whom I had once dated stood up. She began to tell a funny joke that I had heard before about a priest and a barmaid. She finished up with a laugh that was shared by everyone in the room. Then she turned towards me.
She began to laugh uncontrolllably. She craned her back with laughter. It was like I had something on my face, and I immediatly swiped just to make sure. Nothing. Others glanced over to me and began to join in. "You thought I invited you cuz I wanted to forgive you, huh?" Her breath stank of beer. She was drunk. I began to squeam in my chair. "Yeah..." Was all I could choke out. Silence struck the room for a moment, and then she shrieked another laugh. "Well I guess you were wrong! You see these?" she said, bending over and clutching her breasts, "I thought I would give you one look, cuz' no girl is ever gonna let you see hers! I felt sorry for you!" She said, and then she spit in my face. She took her shirt off, and then sequentially her bra, leaving bare skin. The guys around me hooted and hollered at the sight of her. She laughed, but she didnt stop there. She took it all off, leaving nothing. "You'll never get any of this!" She said, mocking as she began to seduce my friends. My best friend (or former best friend) stood up and began to caress her. He did the same as her, and they commenced to have intercourse, there in front of all of the drunk and high bastards that used to be my friends. They threw their ashes at me, spit their beer at me, and began to kick me as I was on the ground.
I stood, and fled to the bathroom. I passed the window and saw it raining, and my blue sedan in the driveway. As I reached the bathroom, I crouched behind the toilet. This house had 3 bathrooms, so I locked the door. I sat there, crying tears of hatred. I looked in the mirror. Spit ran off my face like marbles on glass floor, and ashes burned my clothes. I shed my outer shirt, leaving a white-tee. My jeans came out unscathed. I sat down on the toilet, and clutched my head. How could I have been so stupid...
As all the moaning and groaning and hooting and hollering had stopped, I looked at my watch. It was 1 o'clock. I guessed all the guys had had their fun with her, and they all were leaving. A few minutes passed, and I heard the girl's soft footsteps go up the stairs. I waited a few more minutes, and I heard her door close, and then the click of a light. I unlocked the door. I headed through the hall, headed for the kitchen to leave. I went through the living room, and stopped at the sight I saw. Condoms lie everywhere, and on the seat was a polaroid of someone. I picked it up, and rage built inside me. It was a snapshot of me on the floor, ashes in my hair and on my clothes, spit in my face, and an expression of disgusted horror. On the back was written: "For the whole school to see."
I stormed into the kitched with the picture in hand. I had my hand on the door to leave when I saw the butcher knife. It layed pristine on the counter beside the door. It was clean, and glistened in the light like a diamond. I looked at the picture once again. I was tired of being shoved around. I clutched the knife, and closed my eyes. I pictured all the things she had done to me. Her body so perfect, her breasts bouncing on my best friends shaft. I yelled at the top of my lungs, sat down the knife, and picked up a chair. I hurled it at the table. Both splintered and broke. I picked up the knife again, and headed into the living room. I heard steps coming down the stairs, and I was ready.
She rounded the corner, and I pounced. I grabbed her neck, and gritted my teeth in her face. I clutched the butcher knife high, and she didn't even struggle. Her eyes just stared widely at me; she knew her errors even as drunk as she was. "Im sorry..." she choked out. "I'm not." I said, nearly cracking my jaw from the force of how hard I was gritting my teeth. My eyes grew wide, she screamed. I smiled a crooked smile. And with that, the butcher did his job. My hand dropped the knife, and began to twitch from a pins-and-needles feeling. Paresthesia.
Last edited by Greenguy32123 at Mar 16, 2007,
#2
oh man... thats one of the best trhings ive ever heard... not even kidding. Very descriptive and very professional... im only in grade 9 and we have this book called Crossroads. Its got complilations of short stories like this and this is what i could imagine in that book.. well probably better than that book but still... i think you get what im sayin.. I got visuals the entire way but i thought at the end he was gonna stab himself. wow, i write too (im not bad when i try) but this is unlike anything ive ever heard. i genuinely loved it and think you have true amazing talents.
Quote by MightyAl
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#3
awesome bro . seriously a great read . i felt like i had to keep reading it . i liked the part in the beginning when you described the rain as irritating but comforting . i have nothing else to say . keep up the awesome work
#5
i love your writing
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#7
Dude LOL I thought this was gonna be an erotic story, but turns out it wasnt . Well, theres nothing I can say other than well. I am amazed. Quite honestly, you really know how to use descriptive words, and how you referred to the guy as "the butcher" at the end, it was brilliant. I loved it. I actually felt sad about the slaughter, because you spent so long describing the victim, it made me connect with her.
#9
" I could have gone on living"
from that point on, it was awsome. but the begining with u lieing in the grass didnt really fit in to well, or u didnt explain it to connect it better. i feel u explained the event of u regaining muscle controlment and getting up was to much, just a little would have done. and this paragraph
" It was 12 years ago, I was 15. A juvenile."
was good, but to short and not descriptive enough to fit the later paragraphs.
plus, u used alot of normal descriptions Ex"... like diamonds" altho yes they did drescribe them well and didnt make it horrible, it kinda just disappointed me to see those simple ones.all in all, i didnt expect something like this from u, it was good, jsut alter the first few parapraghs. nice job
#10
hmmm i think you need to read the first part... the beginning of this part fits in more with part one, and then at "I could have gone on living" it starts to switch moods. It will do that again in the next part too.

And also, thanks in regard to the simplistic descriptions. I figured that they could be a success or a bomb, so in the next one ill try and make the the similies and metaphors more filling. Thanks.
Last edited by Greenguy32123 at Mar 16, 2007,
#13
ok sense ur last one is long to, i read like the first few paragraphs, skimmed through the middle, and read the last few paragraphs. i realize u used some of the same desriptions. u refered to marbles in this and the last one, and how the rain doesnt hurt ur eyes. plus in the beginning of ur last, u used way to much description, i was left bored, hence why i jsut skimmed through the middle.
#14
haha i guess sequential reading adds to it. I meant to use some of the same metaphors as this part is placed in the past... A deja vu kind of thing... I wrote this piece more exciting to build on the ideas established in the first. And I don't see how something can be too descriptive ... I guess just not enough blood and breasts in that one?